"I keep telling myself this isn't important in light of all the blessings in my life...but as much as I tell myself that I don’t care, a feeling keeps popping up that it does mean something to me. It is important to me. I wish I could honestly say it doesn’t bother me, but it does. I can't rationalize the desire away. It just keeps bubbling up no matter what I do."
I said this to my friend Dream, about finding my natural father.
"Ummmm, it is important. That's why you keep feeling that way. There's nothing wrong with that."
"Yeah, I guess I've been living in denial at times," I say quietly, looking away while comforting myself with her words and a warm cup of latte.
I am at a dead end with my paternal search and at this point applying to the reality show, "Long Lost Family." (No, this is not a joke.) Why am I doing this? I've been encouraged to by a lot of readers of this blog to do so. Everyone seems to think this is the way to breakthrough. Although I’m an optimistic person it's hard for me to believe they will accept me because of a few issues...
First, I've had amazing help with this search. I have literally had the best search angels available, and 17 people working on this who know what they are doing.
Second, I have tested with every DNA company available and have nothing closer than a third cousin. (Still praying for that first-cousin holy grail match.) I believe once the producers take a close look at my situation they will have doubt they can crack it. And that won't make for great TV. Who wants to just tune in to hear them say, "Sorry, Mr. Greek could not be found" and see me sob my eyes out?
Never mind, a lot of sick people might want to see that. Remember, America tuned in for Honey Boo Boo and still keep up with the Kardashians.
Third, when I watch the show it seems most adoptees on the show have closer DNA matches than 3rd cousin when they are going off of DNA, and when it comes to identifying info they have a good bit of that too. Unfortunately everything in my adoption file about my father has been proven to be a lie. So, that doesn't help any.
Lies really mess things up, you know.
Well, here's the deal. I have a fabulous life. I really do.
Even though I pick underwear up off the floor every day. Every. Single Day.
And my natural mom told me this over and over and over again.
No, not that I pick underwear up off the floor, the fabulous life part.
She went back and forth between, "you're beautiful" and "you have a great life" as reasons to not seek my natural father.
She would list all the ways that I'm blessed and why I just need to let this go and move on.
Yes, I wanted to drop kick her at times. In the most loving, Christian way.
I have tried telling myself all these niceties over and over again.
When I keep seeking my paternal family despite my beautiful life, it can seem ungrateful. As much as adoptees hate that word. Maybe we hate it because along with the fact that we are accused of it when we search, we are also prone to feeling it ourselves aside from anyone else saying it. Adoption has a way of beating the tar out of you emotionally whether anyone says anything triggering to you or not. And of course, they do. All the time. (And don't even realize they are doing it, and when confronted about it flat out deny it most of the time which makes things even worse.) All that can leave a person feeling hopeless at times. I wish there were restraining orders for people who say things to adoptees that hurt.
I don’t want to feel this way.
I wish to God I didn’t.
I have tried to reason it away.
Deny it away.
Call myself beautiful and blessed thousands of times a day.
Focus on all my blessings and accomplishments.
Be “too blessed to be stressed."
And you know what? At the end of the day, I just want to know who my father is.
“But…there's no need to search. You’re a child of the King. That’s who you are…you already know who you are…and your dad is the one who changed your diapers...”
Where’s that retraining order???