Recently I had occasion to meet with “T” -- a teen adoptee. I happen to have all A’s in school at the present time in my master’s program but T is way smarter than me. He makes me look like a tinker-tot when it comes to brain-power. T is doctor smart, lawyer smart, maybe even brain surgeon or rocket scientist smart. He has so much promise. But right now, T is making all the wrong choices, throwing it all away due to intense anger and rage over post-adoption issues. Without a change, T is headed to becoming another tragic statistic.
I get it, I really do.
With tears streaming down my face, I pled with T to hear my heart. After validating all his pain, I said:
“Relinquishment, adoption, the system…all of it has taken so much from you. Are you really going to let it take any more than it has to?"
Many people would never guess that in my 50’s I have to periodically drain post-adoption anger out of me before it becomes rage. Even at this stage of my life, I have to keep it in check so it doesn’t take more from me than it already has. Whenever it rears it’s ugly head, I’ve learned to not push it back down, but to liquidate it and drain it out. What does this look like? As a human being I sometimes cry, journal, walk or bike it out. As a Christian, many times I worship it out and pray it out. As a Pentecostal, I pray it out in my prayer language.
I spoke to T about the importance of safely and regularly draining, as I call it. I’m not a therapist, just a fellow adoptee who is decades older and could have a degree in adoptee drain-o. (In case you wonder, T is not substituting me for therapists. He’s been to many.) Regarding adoptee anger/rage if you don’t drain it out it will kill you. If it doesn’t kill you physically it will kill every opportunity in your life, every relationship, every good thing.
Oh my adopted friend……
Don’t let it steal your future family from you…the one you dream of and the one you have the power to create.
Don’t let it steal your educational opportunities from you.
Don’t let it steal your career from you.
Don’t let it steal your dream house.
Don’t let it steal your dream experiences – vacations you dream of taking, or things you want to check off on your bucket list.
Don’t let it steal all the goals you will slay.
Don’t let it steal all the incredible things that are awaiting you.
I begged T and I hope he listens.
I hope you listen, too.
Post adoption issues threaten to rip every amazing thing out of your hands that you are destined for.
Refuse to let what has happened to you derail your God-given destiny.