June 8, 2017

When This Adoptee Faces More Than She Can Bear

I have an incredible life. I admit it.  

I have a fabulous family.

Loving and loyal friends.

A job I love that is more than a job - a ministry, a passion that sets me on fire.

A beautiful place to live.

And at the same time I have gone through so many changes in the past six months it felt like it would kill me at times. 

Where does it show the most? In my dress size. Just keeping it real. 

I can remain stable in loving my family...in managing my job like a pro, in leading a team...but trying to lose five pounds? Yeah, it's up there with asking me to be the one responsible to find the cure for cancer.  Or solve immigration. Or something equally as lofty.

I tell myself if I made it through the past six months of big changes, what else can’t I do?

Change is so hard for me as a person and as an adoptee it is at a whole ‘nother level.

Some people say they thrive on change. The truth is, absolutely no one I know thrives on change unless they are the one making it.  Who do you know that thrives on change that is completely out of their control?

For an adoptee change not of your own making can feel like the world is ending.

It’s not just uncomfortable, it’s terrifying.

Like you wonder if you will survive.

Or if you want to.

So here’s what I know about this. Sometimes we do have more on us than we can bear. 

Did you know the Bible never says we won’t have more on us than we can bear?

Yes,  I know Gospel singers say differently. I know lots of old wives tales and sermons down through the years say the opposite. But the truth is, the Bible never promises, “He will never put more on you than you can bear.” It says you will never be tempted beyond what you can bear. There is a difference between temptation and hardship, or trauma.

I often have more on me than I can bear and you know what? That’s why I need Jesus.

I am thankful for the power of the Holy Spirit that helps me every day through challenges and changes that I could not bear otherwise. 

There have been a lot of them over the past six months and every one of them He is helping me through. 

Now if He can only help me lose a few dress sizes. It will just take time but through a power greater than my own, I can do this. For a while there, I didn't even care. At all. The fact that my dress sizes were going up was inconsequential compared to the loss and pain I was feeling and the insane desire to feel better if only for three to five minutes while a piece of cake went down my throat. 

So here's to caring again.

I pray that while I'm starting to care again, big changes can just stop for a while.

Just stop.
Unless I like you...
Unless I asked for you...
Unless I welcome you...
just stop it already.    

Photo credits: All photos by me