Why Pursue Siblings After Secondary Rejection?
(Is It Really So Crazy?)

My sister Shari is coming to visit today, for a few days. She wanted to be with us for the Easter weekend. (We are both believers and this weekend is extremely important to us as women of faith.) It will be the first time we’ve seen each other since our mother passed away this past August.
As far as immediate family, my brother and I are all that my sister has left in this world.

Both of her parents are now dead, and there are no other siblings but my brother and I.

Our brother is loving but extremely quiet and to himself. Connecting with him is a challenge at times – not because he’s uncaring (he isn’t) he’s just not a communicator.

If I hadn't pursued my natural family (including the siblings I knew about from the adoption agency) with wholehearted determination, back in 1991…my sister would be a lot more “alone” in this world, as far as immediate family. 

I kept going with the search, even after experiencing what is known as, "secondary rejection."

Judy (my natural mother) was consistent over the years in being happy about mine and Shari's relationship. She told me all throughout our 20 years together, and reaffirmed it right before she passed away, that she was so grateful Shari and I had each other. She often said she hoped our bond would increase. (Judy was so blessed throughout her whole life to have such a close bond with Aunt Jeri. She wanted that for us.)

It's a weird paradox how she didn't want to be found and yet was so glad to be found at times. (It's best when I just don't try to figure it out. LOL)

It’s times like today,that I’m really, really glad I didn’t give up, even when all the powers that be said it was over.

It’s never over til’ God says it’s over.
Don’t give up.

Different is No Cause for Dismissal of a Person or Story

There are times I meet an adoptee whether in person or online and they say, “Oh my gosh, it’s like we are living parallel lives! My head might fall off from nodding so much while I read your story…”

Then, there are those who say, “My situation is nothing like yours. At all." 

And isn’t that entirely NORMAL?

When did not living as a cookie cutter become a crime?

Why are some intent on dismissing a person or story because it's not anything similar to their own?

We meet people whose journey is so much like ours, it’s uncanny.
We also meet those with whom we have little in common.

Two adoptees raised in the same house have two different stories. 

That doesn’t mean there’s a problem with my story.
Or yours.
 Or theirs.

It simply means we’re different.

Different is no cause for dismissal.
It’s just…different.

Different is good.

Adult Adoptees: We Are The Grown Ups Now

Yesterday was National Sibling Day.

I was once again reminded of the fact that had I not pressed forward after my natural mother’s initial refusal to reunite, I would not know two of my three siblings. (I have two natural siblings that I met in reunion in 1993 - a brother and sister, and one adopted sister that I grew up with.) 

As many of you who regularly read this blog already know, my natural mother initially said no to reunion -- through an intermediary. Two years later, I showed up on her doorstep to give her opportunity to accept me or reject me, with no one in between us. I thought two adults deserved the chance to talk to one another unhindered. She made the decision to reunite once she met me personally.(The story will be released as a book, later this year.)

I got the feeling right up to her death last year, that my natural mom felt she should be in charge. Enter Deanna, who was born in charge. Comin’ out of the womb with a briefcase in one hand and a microphone in the other. At least, that’s what my good friends say.   

Needless to say this was an oil and water mix at times. Two women who both thought they were in charge. And one who thought the other woman was still a baby! Add to that an adoptive mom who thought she should be in charge at times because, "I'm the one who raised you!" and ka-BOOM! Call a SWAT Team, now. Adoption bombs raining down...

Shaming Adoptee Pain is Never Effective

“Here’s a woman with rheumatoid arthritis, and she looks happy to me!”

Would you purposely post a photo and story of a woman who has rheumatoid arthritis so friends who have RA could see it, and say something like this? Would you attempt to “shame” your struggling friends for not keeping smiles on their faces 24/7? Would you question the character of your friends for admitting they have difficult days?

No.  If you answered yes, I know a lot of good therapists I can refer you to. Nobody with all their marbles is going to exhibit this appalling behavior, but it happens to adoptees all the time.

It happened to me yesterday. Someone who openly questions the trauma aspect of adoption posted what I would consider a “slam” on Facebook.  A photo of a young adoptee along with their story was posted and in response the person wrote, “Here’s an adoptee, and he looks happy to me!”

Dear sweet Lord baby Jesus, where do I even begin? I struggle that people like this hold critical jobs in our society.

When Is Closed Adoption the Best Option for a Child?

What reason, aside from a child's safety, would a closed adoption (versus an open adoption) ever be the best option for a child?

I do not ask this question for the sake of argument.

I am genuinely wondering.

This question popped into my mind the other night and won’t get out.

 I have racked my brain in wondering why a closed adoption would EVER be the best option for a child, unless his or her safety were at stake.   

Aside from safety, I struggle to find a compelling reason.

Please, share with me your reasons, if any -- that a closed adoption would be in the child's best interest.

I'm listening... 

*Photo courtesy of freedigitalphotos.net

2 Requirements for Adoptee Breakthrough

Expressing feelings of pain or grief  is something adoptees aren’t supposed to do in regard to our adoptions.  Early on, we understand our job description well. It basically consists of two words:

Be grateful.

We are not to vocalize any feelings of loss or grief, one reason being that it may be perceived as speaking against what is proclaimed as a heroic choice.   

Adoptees are told by the people in our lives (and many times people who aren’t even in our lives and have no idea of our personal circumstances) that our natural mother made a heroic choice -- the greatest choice- the most unselfish choice. We are assured that what she displayed in giving us up, was true love.

As children this left many of us perplexed. 

Adoption and the Dead or Alive Card

When adoptees speak out and share our feelings or the need for reform in the institution of adoption, people soon pull out the dead or alive card.

It goes like this:

“Just be glad you’re alive.”


“Just be glad you’re not dead.”


Doesn’t that apply to anybody and everybody on the planet?

Any of my friends could be dead or alive -- adopted or not.

But people love to pull the dead or alive card on us. If all else fails and they don’t like whatever it is that we’re sharing the ol’ “just be glad you’re not dead” card is pretty standard.

And know this, adoptee…when a person pulls the dead or alive card on you, it means they have run out of anything intelligent to say.

This dead or alive card is code for: “You’re making great points and I can’t refute them with anything that actually makes sense. All I know is you are making me so uncomfortable, so I thought I’d just remind you that you should be glad you aren’t dead.”

It would be laughable if this dead or alive argument weren’t so common!

When people remind me how glad I should be that I’m alive, I smile and say, “You too!” And they look at me so perplexed. As if only adopted people have the potential to be dead.

*Photo Courtesy of freedigitalphotos.net
Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...