I Cannot Live With You If You Are One of "Those People"!!!

This is us!

My marriage could have seriously been in jeopardy this past year, over an Ancestry test. 

No, it's not what you think. 

This past year my husband tested on Ancestry. He was really excited to do it, and to investigate his family heritage. Before he tested, I warned him that he may well find some surprises along the way. “You might have relatives you don’t know about – even close ones,” I said, “and when you do, you have to help them.”
“Well, how do I know if I want to help them if I don’t even know them yet?” he said. 

“You don’t have a choice but to help them!" I said. "You’re married to me!” LOL

Okay, I just said LOL, but really I wasn't joking. Not at all.

I didn't care if that test showed that he had 10 siblings he didn't know about. He's married to Deanna Shrodes gosh darn it, and that means he helps people who take DNA tests. It's The. Way. It. Is.  

I told my husband in no uncertain terms, "I cannot live with you if you are one of those people!" 

"Who are those people?" he said. 

"Those people are those who don't help other people who are trying to find their family. 
Nope, can't live with those people! Just. Can't. Do. It.

That is a special type of cruelty that cannot co-exist with me.

So, the Shrodes didn’t have to wait long to actually have to live this out. Larry didn't have any siblings waiting in the wings, or any kids I didn't know about. Nevertheless there were surprises. Someone reached out who was a cousin match, searching for their father. Larry knew the information they needed.  He helped the person as soon as they reached out so they could connect the dots as well as get connected personally. I was never so excited in my life!! And, thank God, I can stay married now. Or at least in my bed and not have to move to the couch or make him do it.

In the past month I have encountered two people in my search who were not helpful. That's okay, they will both receive a victorious "I did it!" postcard in the mail from me when the search is complete.    

I have the type of job where I don’t have the option of isolating myself from the public at large. And I don’t want to. However there is a difference between the public at large, those who are in your inner circle. Plenty of people  exist who deny human being’s basic human desire to know the truth of who they are and where they come from. Thankfully they are much fewer in my experience than those who have a desire to help – and to live truthfully. All I’m saying is that I don’t need this kind of negativity in my life up close and personal.  I am friends with many people who don't share my religious or political views. But this is an issue I just can't build a bridge on. 

Thank God Larry helped this person. We can proceed on to year 32 of our marriage!  

It's Not The End, My Friend!

I recently heard it said: "You'll be surprised how far you can go from the point where you thought it was the end.” 

I believe this with all my heart! So many times I’ve thought it was the end with my search, but it’s never the end until the breakthrough comes. One of the best pieces of advice I was given with my first search was, “There’s always something else to do.” And it’s true! 

You never run out of steps to take in a search. I’ve found most times when a person says there is nothing more to do, they have just run out of steps they don’t mind taking. For instance, one step I hesitated to take was going public on some social media pages to ask the public to help with my search. I held back on that for as long as possible but finally came to a point where it was “the next thing.” If you are stuck in your search, what are you hesitating on doing?  

Recently I was involved in an adoptee search. I rarely to almost never have time for that anymore with my schedule the way it is, but this was an exception. It’s so exhilarating to complete a search. There’s nothing like it! I remember when I completed my maternal search. I literally didn’t sleep for days afterward, I was so enraptured.

Every time I have occasion to be part of someone’s search, even if it’s just that I’ve “shared” their post on Facebook, or I have prayed for them -- I remind myself of what happened to Job.

In Job 42:10 it says, “After Job had prayed for his friends, the Lord restored his fortunes and gave him twice as much as he had before.” 

I continue to hope that as I help others, my prayers will also one day be answered with my paternal search.   

Never doubt what a girl who prays and helps others can accomplish. 

Don't give up, my friend. 

It's Good to Be Grown

For me, being an adoptee has meant growing up with the feeling that my life circumstances were dictated to me out of my control. And in a sense they were for the first 18 years. I had no say in any of the decisions that were made in the beginning of my life. And, like any other child – I didn’t make the rules when I was growing up.  That part is normal, for anyone adopted or not.

However, that time is past.

Yesterday is gone.

It’s a new day.
I have had to try to overcome the mindset I had for a long time that I am on a path set by others -- one I cannot change. One that I must just accept whatever comes to me, and try to navigate my way through it.

Even in my adult life I've kind of had a mindset that I need to "wait and see what the grown ups decide." Well, guess what...I am the grown up.  I don't need to wait to see what they decide and I don't necessarily have to put up with what they decide, unless I want to.

It's easy to come to a place where we let life happen to us rather than us happening to life.  I want to make something happen in life, not just wait around to see what’s going to happen to me. Sometimes I forget – I have the power to make decisions.

 But recently I have journeyed through a time of growth in this area of my life. It’s not limited to adoptee-related things, but everything that touches my life.

This thought is revolutionary to me: 

I’m not a victim. I’m a decision maker. 

If something is not healthy for me, I have the power to change it.

If it doesn't work for me, I have the ability to change it.

I don’t have to just lay down and take it and say, “It is what it is.”

Life awaits.

My potential awaits. 

I can allow other people to determine my path or I can be the decision maker.

I’m not a baby anymore in the arms of the social worker at the Children’s Home Society.

I am a grown woman who has a purpose.

No longer do I see anything in my life as something I just have to put up with. I think it’s a combination of a God-thing in my life (an awakening) and being in my 50’s and knowing I don’t have forever here on earth. I am not going to waste my life letting others dictate my happiness, potential, or peace.

So that’s the purpose of this blog post, to tell you what I’ve been journeying through in my life and to encourage every adoptee – stop letting life happen to you!!!

Get out there and decide things for yourself. Make some bold moves. Refuse to just float along and wait to see what happens. Act now. You have the power!

It’s good to be grown.