Adoptees Who Think: How Did My Parents Pass a Home Study?!

The health of his or her adoptive home is a serious issue that impacts the experience of every adoptee. Despite what many people believe, a home study does not always reveal the quality of a home.  

Do you know how many adoptees I have met who have said, “How the heck did my adoptive parents ever pass a home study?” 

Too many to count.

I personally know of more than one adoptee who has considered suing their adoption agency for letting them “slip through the cracks” and go to a dysfunctional adoptive home.

Meanwhile many adoptive parents are heard complaining about “all the hoops they have to jump through” to adopt.  

Adoptees face judgment from those who surround them – many people they don’t even know -- who are convinced they grew up in a quality adoptive home, but really have no idea of what their growing up experience was really like.

I am friends with scores of adoptees. Many of their adoptive parents are religious and community leaders, model employees and nice neighbors. And yet, what some of these adoptees experienced growing up in their homes would make an excellent Lifetime movie. Keep in mind, quite a number of serial killers were actually Sunday School teachers. Many of the adoptee's extended family members  -- aunts, uncles and cousins -- assume so much about their upbringing they know nothing about.


Did they sleep in their bed?

Wake up in their house?

Were they with them 24/7?

Do they really know what went on every moment in their home?

No they don’t.

And have many of them even had the courtesy to ask the adoptee their personal experience? No. 

Oh but judge? They do.

Usually when an adoptee in this situation opens up about any of this to others outside the adoptee community, they hear such gems as:

“At least you’re alive…"

"Be grateful.”

“You could have languished in an orphanage or foster care.”

Or, “God placed you where He wanted you.”

To which he or she deducts, “God must hate me.  Nice.”

These "gems" are the opposite of what an adoptee who experienced the complex traumas of relinquishment, adoption and placement in an unhealthy adoptive home need to hear.

“Wow,” is all an adoptee with this experience can say to such clueless people sometimes.

That and, “Thank God for therapy" as they go back to the refuge that is the  adoptee community to receive the understanding from humans that they need for another day.

*Graphic courtesy of

Are You a Pain Reliever, a Dismisser or a One-Upper?

People tend to think that whatever has happened to them is the worst because it’s what they’ve experienced personally. It's common to hear people attempt to "one up" people when it comes to pain... 

"You think you have it bad? My child was killed by a drunk driver!"  
"You think you have it bad? I have cancer."
"You think you have it bad? My husband left me..."

All these things are the worst...for that person.
And they are horrible things to happen to anyone, in general.

Whatever a person experiences impacts them first-hand. Whenever we lose something relationally, physically, financially or in whatever way – is what we tend to fear as well as talk about the most because we’ve dealt with it up close. It's often becomes a person's passion or mission in life to try to do something about whatever pain they have endured so that others might not have to go through what they did.

Many times those who haven’t faced whatever it is others deal with will have a lack of understanding as to why others are upset. It’s tempting but completely unproductive to judge another person’s pain or their response to it.

Loss is loss.

In the adoptee community it's a little more complicated being that people don't view what we go through as on par with drunk drivers, cancer or spouses leaving. It's kind of like fibromyalgia. Some people question whether it's real. And that really hurts. I have a few friends who have fibromyalgia and I know their pain is real. How cruel is it that there are people who claim that what wracks these people's bodies with pain every day really doesn't exist? How dare any of us claim a person's pain doesn't exist.

There are very few people outside of the adoptee community that I can be real with when it comes to adoption issues. I used to feel like here was something odd about me in relation to this, like maybe I was just a terrible communicator. But it seems I'm actually a pretty good communicator, and that I'm not alone, at all in my experience of facing a lack of understanding, dismissive people, or one-upping. 

What would the world be like if we tried to understand another's pain with all our hearts, refused to compare and instead chose to do whatever we could to comfort them? It does absolutely no good and even does great harm to tell another person, "You don't have a right to this pain."  Or "This pain is not as bad as my pain," or "This pain is silly" or "I've never known anyone else who was in pain over this like you are..."

It’s my prayer that we could all become pain relievers rather than dismissers or  one-uppers.

A Father's Day with Answers
An Adoptee's Dream

 Yesterday I was leading worship at church and one of the songs we did was, “Great Are You Lord” by All Sons and Daughters. I couldn’t help but think to myself even as we were singing it, “Yes, it's true. Great are you Lord!  And I know You can do anything. I am still trusting you for the answers..."

Grander earth has quaked before
Moved by the sound of His voice
Seas that are shaken and stirred
Can be calmed and broken for my regard

And through it all, through it all
My eyes are on You
And through it all, through it all
It is well
And through it all, through it all
My eyes are on You
And it is well with me

Far be it from me to not believe
Even when my eyes can't see
And this mountain that's in front of me
Will be thrown into the midst of the sea

So let go my soul and trust in Him
The waves and wind still know His name

It is well with my soul
It is well with my soul
It is well with my soul
It is well with my soul
It is well it is well with my soul   


As we sang, my thoughts roamed to…will this mountain, this 48 year old mountain in front of me EVER be thrown into the midst of the sea? Because sometimes, keeping it real…I doubt. 

Time really is running out. And yet, I do trust that I will not wait until heaven for these answers.

I wish God wasn't waiting until the midnight hour to answer, but it appears that's what He's going to do. 

Because I am no spring chicken.
And neither is my natural father.

In fact, unless a miracle occurs, I'm going to find a grave. 

It's all so unnecessary. No, not unnecessary for me to care about, or unnecessary for me to focus on. That's not the unnecessary part at all. The unnecessary thing is that we have an archaic system in our country whereby people don't readily know their own history.

Of course here I need to give the obligatory, "I'm thankful for my adoptive dad, my step dad, and my father-in-love..." because if I don't say it, I'm fixing to get an admonition in the comment section to focus on them, or on my husband who is a great father. Please, tell me something I don't know for once.

My eyes are on God.

I do trust.

And I really hope that by the time I am 50 years old, I will have a Father’s Day where I actually know who my original father is.

My thoughts will not wander during worship to, "When God, when?"  

A girl can dream.  

Adoptee Marriage: The Trigger Free Home

Recently I let my husband know that I needed our home to be a trigger free zone. I really wish I would have done this sooner!

Maybe you are an adoptee who lives in a trigger free home, but I wasn’t one until recently. 

My husband and I have had conversations about many issues we don't agree on. Adoption-related issues we disagree on are rare, as I would estimate we agree on 95% of the issues. Still there is that 5%. And sometimes the conversations about those rare things can be heated and hurtful.

Larry has lived with me for 27 years of marriage, and understands as much as a non-adoptee can, about what it’s like to be me. When we have disagreed regarding something about adoption, it would usually trigger me terribly, sending me to an emotionally low place. Even though our disagreement about adoption was rare, the fact that my spouse believed the opposite of me on something that went to the very core of my very being was hard. Sometimes I would be triggered simply because he didn't get what I was triggered by and I felt dismissed.

After 27 years of marriage, he is still surprised at certain things that trigger me.

 In the past we would talk through these issues, hash them out, and ultimately agree to disagree. But something has changed. It was my job.

A year ago I went from working in the church as co-pastor, (where I've been our entire marriage) to serving as director of women's ministries in our state denominational office.  When serving in this role, triggers come a lot more than they did when I was working in the church. I meet so many more people, many of them adoptees and adoptive parents. I handle triggers well in the context of my work, and am successful at my job. But at times, it's a lot to hold in until I get home.

I compartmentalize well in order to be successful. Holding it in forever isn't good, and I don't hold it in -- even for a few days. Processing my feelings with other adoptees in order to stay emotionally healthy is essential.

Because I am triggered so much more in the role in which I now serve, I’ve requested that our home be a safe zone. Coming home to more triggers than I already face would be overwhelming. I need my home as a place of refuge. I used to be able to handle the occasional debate or disagreement with him regarding adoption but that is not the case anymore.  Though we may have only dissented on 5% of the issues, even 5% is too much for me at this time as I have no more emotional bandwidth for triggers other than the ones I already deal with.

This means Larry and I don’t discuss the 5% anymore and he is also understanding of my need to bow out of watching certain shows or movies with the family. Before we watch a show, I ask them if there's anything in it that will affect me.

So how this works is, anytime I am feeling triggered by a conversation, I inform Larry that we need to change the topic and then we do. Of course I do not abuse this and cry “trigger” when it has nothing to do with adoption. Ha ha!

I must say, I like things much better this way. It’s really not necessary for me to discuss the 5% with him, nor do I need to subject myself to entertainment that creates negative emotions for me but makes my family feel good that I’m sitting on the couch next to them. 

What do you think about home being a trigger free zone at home? Would you specifically ask your family for this like I did? Why or why not?