Laura Dennis and I are able to do what many other adoptees
do every day – succeed in life, despite very regular triggers that come our way.
Today we’re teaming up on a two part blog post, to discuss how real and numerous triggers are, and how we succeed with
that reality. Part one is below and part two can be found today at Laura's blog.
Deanna: My
assistant Erika and I were having lunch the other day and this subject came up.
I’ve discovered that Erika is really open minded about this subject and
understanding. We were talking about adoption and my involvement in the
community and I shared with her about how many triggers take place in my daily
life and how I not only manage but overcome them. It’s no exaggeration that I usually face at
least one of these a day without me ever bringing up the subject. In fact, I
try my best to steer clear of the subject most times, just out of self
preservation. Once I alerted my family about how often these triggers come and
encouraged them to take special notice and watch how many times people bring
things up, they too are amazed. Until I told them to become vigilant about
noticing, they had no idea what I was facing on a daily basis.
The main reason I don’t bring things up with others would be
protecting myself from more pain than I have to go through in life but the
second reason would be that it’s very hard to succeed in life and respond to
triggers the way I want to, versus how I have to, if that makes sense.
Laura: Yes!
Sometimes it feels like they’re everywhere! Let me just back-up a moment and
explain to those who may be unaware, just what we mean when we mention
“triggers.”
Adoption triggers are a specific kind of emotional trigger
that happens when we come across what to others may be a seemingly innocent
comment. They trigger us, as adoptees (but it also happens to first family
members and adoptive parents), because these observations touch a nerve,
reminding us of our adopted status—all that we’ve lost, in spite of the things
that society reminds us that we’ve gained.
For me, it’s deeply personal triggers like everyone
expecting me to be happy on my birthday. Or, “in the news” events such as
seeing a child removed from her willing-and-capable first family when an
unethical (should-be-illegal) adoption is finalized.
I see what you’re saying about responding to triggers. To
survive, we have to pick our battles, so-to-speak. We can’t reeducate everyone.
That said, if someone is particularly nosey (borderline rude) with regards to a
personal trigger, I have been known to lay down the truth. As in, Do you find something happy about the day that I literally lost my
first mother for twenty-three years? I don’t. … One may guess that truth-telling did not go over so well. We’re
talkin’ awkward silence, blank stares and quick exits.
But these people are few and far between. I think the most
important first step towards living with, and thriving in spite of, triggers is
recognizing them in real time. What are your thoughts?
Deanna: First
of all, thank you sooooo much for explaining triggers. Geeeesh, where was my
head? I’m assuming everyone out there understands our adoptionese. Okay…
Being fully out of the fog there I go with the
adoptionese again I pretty much recognize them in real time now. But I
didn’t always. That subject is a fascinating blog post topic in itself. I’d
like us to unpack that sometime. What you said just made me realize that for
years people would say things and I would have an incredibly icky feeling and
didn’t understand why. Often those moments led to my parents or my husband
saying, “What’s wrong?” over and over again. I didn’t know what was wrong, I
just felt so blue. Now I realize it was in those moments where triggering
things happened for me.
As you mentioned, different groups of people face triggers.
It’s not the same for everybody. But whatever our personal ones are, they are
powerful. For me it usually centers on people telling me how I should feel. The
worst is when it happens with those who want to characterize my adoption as a
sacred event rather than a legal transaction.
A huge trigger happened to me shortly after I started this
blog. I walked into a ministers meeting. The business hadn’t started yet but I
walked up to the coffee station at the hotel we were meeting and a colleague
walked up and said, “Hey, I’ve been reading your adoption blog…” I said, “Oh
really? Well that’s awesome. Thanks so much for reading.” And he said, “Your
writing is really good but on the adoption thing I just don’t understand what
the big deal is, because we’re all adopted.”
I looked at him quizzically.
And then he quickly followed up with, “In Christ…we are all
adopted in Christ, so it’s all good…”
And I wanted to just scream:
Really??? I had no idea we ALL lost our entire first family
in a day…
I had no idea we ALL lack a truthful birth certificate!
I had no idea we ALL experienced the trauma of separation
from our mothers…
I had no idea we ALL were relinquished and then papers
signed, placing us with strangers…
I had no idea we ALL have a case number with health and
human services…
I had no idea we ALL understand what it’s like to be part of
the legal INSTITUTION that is adoption! Woowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!
This is what I wanted to scream, but I didn’t.
My effectiveness on the job, not to mention
my very livelihood, depends on me not saying these things, at least not in that
manner.
What I did in that moment was say, “Is this the regular or
the decaf?” and quickly move to change
the subject.
