When This Adoptee Faces More Than She Can Bear

I have an incredible life. I admit it.  

I have a fabulous family.

Loving and loyal friends.

A job I love that is more than a job - a ministry, a passion that sets me on fire.

A beautiful place to live.

And at the same time I have gone through so many changes in the past six months it felt like it would kill me at times. 

Where does it show the most? In my dress size. Just keeping it real. 

I can remain stable in loving my family...in managing my job like a pro, in leading a team...but trying to lose five pounds? Yeah, it's up there with asking me to be the one responsible to find the cure for cancer.  Or solve immigration. Or something equally as lofty.

I tell myself if I made it through the past six months of big changes, what else can’t I do?

Change is so hard for me as a person and as an adoptee it is at a whole ‘nother level.

Some people say they thrive on change. The truth is, absolutely no one I know thrives on change unless they are the one making it.  Who do you know that thrives on change that is completely out of their control?

For an adoptee change not of your own making can feel like the world is ending.

It’s not just uncomfortable, it’s terrifying.

Like you wonder if you will survive.

Or if you want to.

 

So here’s what I know about this. Sometimes we do have more on us than we can bear. 

Did you know the Bible never says we won’t have more on us than we can bear?

Yes,  I know Gospel singers say differently. I know lots of old wives tales and sermons down through the years say the opposite. But the truth is, the Bible never promises, “He will never put more on you than you can bear.” It says you will never be tempted beyond what you can bear. There is a difference between temptation and hardship, or trauma.

I often have more on me than I can bear and you know what? That’s why I need Jesus.

I am thankful for the power of the Holy Spirit that helps me every day through challenges and changes that I could not bear otherwise. 

There have been a lot of them over the past six months and every one of them He is helping me through. 

Now if He can only help me lose a few dress sizes. It will just take time but through a power greater than my own, I can do this. For a while there, I didn't even care. At all. The fact that my dress sizes were going up was inconsequential compared to the loss and pain I was feeling and the insane desire to feel better if only for three to five minutes while a piece of cake went down my throat. 

So here's to caring again.

I pray that while I'm starting to care again, big changes can just stop for a while.

Just stop.

Unless I like you...
Unless I asked for you...
Unless I welcome you...
just stop it already.    

Photo credits: All photos by me  

Help When Reunion Blows Up A Conversation with Laura Dennis

Today I'm doing one of my favorite things to do! I'm having a conversation with my dear friend, Laura Dennis. Specifically we are talking about being restored personally after reunion blows up in your face. I wrote about this in my recent book release, Restored. The first part of this conversation is at Laura's blog, so if you've come here first, hop over there and read and then circle back here for the ending. Here we go...

Deanna – Thank you! That means so much to me. I have a lot of compassion for all people who have been through this type of pain. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone! I guess we all tend to think our pain is the worst because it’s what we know, what we have experienced. As you know it’s important that we never dismiss nor mock a pain we haven’t endured. I try to be sensitive to all types of wounds that may be people’s reality. And, admittedly I am more attuned to this one because I’ve experienced it. My heart is to tell people, there is help, there is hope. I see so many of our friends and acquaintances who make comments on social media saying things like, “This will never get any better,” and “there is no hope, no moving forward for me…” and I want so badly for them to experience what I have. This was the catalyst for Restored. 

Laura Dennis

Laura—I would also add that you are a highly empathetic person, so that helps with your sensitivity and attunement. You really did come from such a broken place—but you walked (sometimes crawled!) that path to healing, and you stand so much stronger today.

I know that Restored is going to help so many people. It’s actually the best bit of advice I could give someone who thinks there is no hope: 

Muster just enough hope to start reading this book. 

What other advice would you give to someone in the depths of their despair? 

Deanna—Know that no matter what it looks like today, it really can be different tomorrow. It won’t automatically be that way. Victory doesn’t just fall on you. So much of restoration is putting yourself in position for it. As you take steps toward healing you can and will move forward. There are many tangible and practical steps I give in the book in the Restoration Toolkit chapter. But if I were to just give a few words of advice–I would say three things.

First, if you don’t have enough faith to believe for restoration right now–hold on to someone else’s. Hold on to a friend, a family member, or mine right now. Know that although this may be your darkest hour, there is help and hope for a different tomorrow. Refuse to give up!

Second, get some help from human beings who know what they are doing when it comes to this. Realize you don’t know it all. Admit that you need help. Eight months of therapy were invaluable for me in the healing process. I wouldn’t be writing this right now and furthermore, I don’t know where I’d be had I not gotten that help.

Third, know that God is there and cares for you. Reach out to Him. Maybe you don’t believe in God right now. I challenge you to simply ask Him to make Himself real to you… to show you that He is truly there and cares for you. There is no judgment in this challenge, only love. God loves you and He has a plan for your life and your restoration.  He will walk with you through this pain and help you get to the other side.

Laura—Such great advice, I truly hope it speaks to those who need to hear it. I also want to remind both of our readers how much authors value (and need!) their honest reviews—they definitely help future potential readers make a buying decision, so please leave your review of Restored once you finish reading it. 

Deanna - Yes! Reviews are golden and I so appreciate every single one of them. If you have read the book, it would mean so much to me if you would give a review on Amazon. Thank you all for reading and joining us for this conversation today.

The Adoptoland Echo Chamber - Part 2 A Conversation with Laura Dennis

Today I'm collaborating once again with Laura Dennis, and we're discussing what it takes to get out of the adoptoland echo chamber. (Did you know that exists? Yup.) If you've arrived here first, hop over to Laura's to read part one and then come back. 

Deanna: I so agree with you, Laura. I still get mad too, but I believe unless we deal with or at least manage our madness we’ll never get out of the echo chamber.  Inside the echo chamber we go around in circles because of a plethora of things…as you mentioned, we can’t agree on language (birthmother vs. firstmother), we think “our group” is most important (domestic adoptees vs. international adoptees) or we veer off into a plethora of other social justice issues –muddying the waters rending the adoption reform message unclear. I’ve landed on some adoptee sites I used to frequent and wondered if I landed at the wrong site! They have picked up so many causes it’s unclear what they are even fighting for anymore.  I for one believe we need an undeniable clear and focused message to get out of the echo chamber.

In addition to a clear message that remains entirely adoption reform/rights related, we’ve got to be able to have conversations with others who don’t believe or think like we do – without flinching or reacting. We’ve got to respond thoughtfully, not react immaturely.  If we can’t manage to do this, we will stay in the chamber. It’s that simple. 

Laura: Ability to respond thoughtfully goes to the issue of responsibility. Until the wider population no longer sees us as stubbornly unwilling to accept responsibility, the echo chamber endures. The shifting of blame goes round-and-round, as you said.

What do I mean by “responsibility”?

Do I mean victim-blaming? No.

Absolutely not.

We do not blame the victim for what happened to him or her.

However, this does not mean that this person is off-the-hook.

Those who have experienced trauma—including first moms who were mistreated and forced to relinquish, including adoptees who feel grief and loss at losing their first families, including adoptive parents who are devastated by infertility and loss—are STILL responsible for their actions going forward.

We are all responsible for finding healing for our own pain.

It is NOT OKAY for those who remain unhealed to take out their hurt on others.

This is why the echo chamber endures; if we are unhealed, we feel justified in our ranting, and it is simply exasperating.

Deanna: Couldn’t agree with you more, Laura. We are responsible to heal. Nobody else can do that for us.  I also believe we have to be prepared to thoughtfully dialogue with people who don’t believe the way we do. How else are we going to break out of the chamber?  

There’s a place for ranting.  I do mine while laying on my hammock on my patio, talking to you. I don’t do it when I’m trying to get a message across to people who oppose all that we stand for on this issue. 

It’s interesting that as you and I are collaborating on this post, a letter hit my inbox from a blogger in the adoption community, asking to interview me on her blog. This is someone who is not well respected in our circle of adoptee friends. In fact many people revile this person and consider her an enemy to everything we stand for. But my thought is this…if we don’t say yes to conversations with those who believe differently than us, how will we ever see change come?  My next thought is this – it’s not selling out to appear on someone’s site that you don’t agree with, as long as you maintain your integrity in all you say.

As much as we don’t want to “go there” we have to dialogue with what many in our community refer to as “adoptoraptors.”

Laura: I agree. Recently I was so pleased to have several large adoption information sites request an advance review copy of Adoption Therapy, Perspectives from Clients and Clinicians on Processing and Healing Post-Adoption Issues (which I edited and to which you contributed the Afterword). … If I were to remain in the echo chamber, I would say “no,” to them, as these sites seek to help people adopt. [As in, how dare I engage with those who think adoption is okay?]

While I believe we should do everything we can from a policy and personal standpoint to encourage family preservation, if such organizations are willing to read an anthology whose basic premises are: 

1. An adoptee’s first losses—including mother loss, heritage loss, ethnicity loss, language loss, and more—absolutely must not be discounted.

2. Whatever training or approach is used, the client’s individual experiences must be validated through empathetic care. 

… Why wouldn’t I engage with them? The book is meant to get help, not only for our generation, but for the next generation of adoptive parents, first families and adoptees. This is vital information that needs to be absorbed—and sometimes what needs to be heard is difficult to listen to. If people are willing to engage, to learn from those who have walked this path … it’s my responsibility to educate. 

Deanna: Yes!! I fully believe if they are willing to engage – we need to.  Even if they don’t respond favorably right away, at the least it’s given them something to think about.  It takes a serious amount of time for most people to come out of the fog so anything you can do to get them one step in the right direction is progress.    

When Those Who Hurt You Try to Dictate the Terms of Your Healing

“You don't get to hurt someone and then outline the 'appropriate way for them to heal.' Perpetrators don't get to write the rules of healing.”

 Last night I wrote this quote on my Facebook, when the thought hit me that many times, those who hurt us try to dictate the terms of our healing. When the person who caused our hurt attempts to control the way we heal, it’s sometimes as painful as the initial injury.

When I’ve gone through the more traumatic times after losses incurred, I notice how some want to set a clock on my grief, or tell me the appropriate ways to go about seeking healing. This is accompanied by shame for seeking healing in ways they aren’t comfortable with.

The rules vary from person to person.

It may be everything from, “I don’t understand why you need counseling for this…” to “Is it really necessary to write about this?”

Well here’s the thing…if they caused the hurt they have no right to speak into the situation.

One of my heroes is Martha Tennison, a very well known evangelist in our denomination. I’ve listened to her preach since I was just a little girl and I still sit in awe of the many things she shares. One thing she often says is, “Those who hurt you cannot heal you.” What wisdom!

Not only can those who hurt you not heal you, but they aren’t the ones to turn to for wisdom or boundary setting on how to move forward. They may try to tell you what’s right and wrong, exactly how you should proceed to move forward or how you aren’t progressing quick enough for them. But that’s not their place.   

I have found it’s uncomfortable at best to deal with such individuals but for my health, developing healthy boundaries is important so I can actually move forward. 

At my pace.

And my rules.

*Photo by Deanna Doss Shrodes

        

Adoptees and a Broken God-Concept

 

Many adoptees don’t turn to God to heal them because they’re convinced He caused the separation from their first family. After all, it’s what they are so often told…

“God had a plan…”

“God always ordained this for you…”

Do I believe God has a plan for my life? Absolutely.

Do I believe God ordains my steps? Yes.

Do I believe God is responsible for the separation of my first family? No.

I don’t believe God causes everything that happens. To allow and to cause are two different things.

I do believe He works all things together for our good, if we let Him. A huge part of that is our own wise choices. I can't control everything that happens to me in life but I can choose how I respond to it.

Everything that has happened to me in life hasn’t been good or God.

But God was always there through it all, and when life dealt some harsh blows, God was an ever present help – time and time and time again.

Recently I’ve been reading a book my sister gave me called, “Overwhelmed” by her pastor, Perry Noble. One of the key points Perry makes is, “In a world that is bad, God is still good.”

I understood this truth from the time I was really young. By God’s grace I was able to grasp the goodness of God early on and didn’t allow anyone to talk me out of it. 

I find it easy to reach for God to heal me because I don’t  believe He hurt me.   

I wish all adoptees could know this.

God loves you.

There’s nothing He won’t help you through. You can trust Him.

*Photo by Deanna Doss Shrodes

Yes, You CAN Get Through Secondary Rejection!

I know about what is known in the adoption world as "secondary rejection" from first-hand experience. It happened to me and was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to overcome.

There are a lot of things I want to say about this, but today, my thought for those of you who face this is:

You CAN get through this.

“Well Deanna, you got through it because your mother changed her mind.”

No, she didn’t.

Yes, we were in reunion 20 years before she died this past August. 

But that didn’t happen first because she changed her mind.   

It changed because I showed up on her doorstep anyway.

And then, she made the decision to stay connected.

Don’t think it wasn’t hard, or isn’t still hard now at times, for that matter – to know that she would have never changed her mind and gone back for me if I hadn’t shown up.

How do I know that?

I asked. You're crazy to ask this stuff, Deanna...

What I have never seemed to be able to handle is the not knowing.

So I ask the hard questions.
And, sometimes still don't get the answers.

There’s still plenty of unknowns to be had, even 47 years later.

I can’t say that those things ever get easier.
But I can tell you that I get stronger.

I'm not the same person even though many of my circumstances have stayed the same. 

I've learned my situation can change because I make the decision to change. (One variable changes it. That variable has most often been me.) 

I've also learned this:

Getting through it is INTENTIONAL. 

There’s nothing accidental about getting through a secondary rejection. Please, if you have any inkling that time alone is going to heal it, or that you are just going to wake up one day and miraculously feel different, dispel that myth right now.

The after-affects of secondary rejection don't just fade away with time. You MUST address them and go to the hard places to get to the healed places. 

Getting through it is A PROCESS.   

Please, remove the clock from this process. And remove comparisons as well. You’re not in a rush or a race. You will get through it if you are intentional and it will be in your own unique timing.

Caution: "Getting through it" does not mean you will never have another sad thought. Or that you won't have to determine to forgive again. And again. Getting through it and living an overcoming life doesn't mean things are perfect and you will never have a sad moment. Know what that's called? HEAVEN. And we're not there yet.

Getting through it is POSSIBLE.

There’s nothing you will ever face that God can’t and won’t help you get through. One thing I do know is that God won’t do anything with something you are unwilling to give to Him. Over and over again I’ve had to give him the broken areas of my life. He didn’t cause my secondary rejection. But He did work it for my good as I kept giving the pain to Him.  

Do. Not. Give. Up.

Refuse to let secondary rejection kill you, physically – emotionally – spiritually.

You CAN overcome that which you are convinced will be the death of you, I promise. 

If you have just experienced it, you are finding it hard to breathe.

Every part of you hurts.

And you are trying to hold your life together the best you can and not spill out emotionally all over the place while you get your work done each day.

I remember it like it was yesterday...

How it Happened for Me


My secondary rejection took place when I was pregnant with my second son. My boys are just a year apart. Having them so close, I got a double dose of the magnificence that is motherhood. Experiencing motherhood for the first time and then so rapidly in succession while also experiencing secondary rejection made me ask, "HOW IN THE WORLD DID THIS HAPPEN TO ME?????????????" 

It was too overwhelming for me to even comprehend.

More than once, trying to wrap my head around it sent me to a sobbing heap on the kitchen floor, crying out to God to please help me.

Usually this happened while Dustin was napping in his crib and I (pregnant with Jordan) was standing at the sink doing the dishes. There were times I was so overwhelmed with the thought of how I could possibly let go of my babies  and why someone ever let go of me...25 years prior and then the previous year AGAIN...that I just dropped to the floor and wailed until I was as limp as the dishrag in my hand. 
 
"God, please help me," I prayed. "I can't face the magnitude of this realization, alone."

"You're never alone," He always spoke back, in the still small voice in my heart.

I wasn't alone then and I'm not alone now. 

Neither are you, my friend. 

Photo courtesy of freedigitalphotos.net

When Adoption and Valentines and Forgiveness Collide #Boom

Taking my jacket and heels off was the first thing I did after walking in the door late last night. After a meeting lasting most of the day yesterday and an unexpected hospital visit on the other side of town, I couldn't get my jammies on soon enough. In short order, I began leafing through the snail mail and noticed a big red envelope on top. It contained a card addressed to me.

Nobody sends me valentines except my husband it’s this red hot monogamy thing we have going on,  and I wondered why he would be mailing a card to the house instead of just laying it on my pillow and saving us 49 cents. My frugal self and my romantic self often duke it out over things like this. 

I opened the card to find this handwritten note inside:

Does It Bring You Abundant Life?

One of the post-adoption issues my therapist worked with me on was an eating disorder. Up until the day my natural mother died, I had not conquered that issue. In fact I had never managed to go more than 21 days without regressing.

Photo Credit: Sam Howzit, Flickr

 
That all changed the day my natural mother died.

I’m not saying I’ve arrived. 

Not boasting here and making a triumphant announcement of perfection or anything like that. This isn't my first rodeo with post-adoption issues or stupidity.

What I can tell you is that for the longest time, ever in my life…60 days as of today, I have not regressed.  **happy dance**

Wheeling my suitcase out of hospice, I remember thinking to myself, "I will never be the same again." 

And with God's help, I'm not.

I was changed and never looked back.

Tragic News For My Critics: My Therapist Said Goodbye.

Goodbyes are hard for me as an adoptee.

I was afraid of this day coming.

Photo Credit: Eje Gustaffson, Flickr

I love going to therapy more than teenage boys love Axe. 

Being in therapy hasn’t only helped my adoption related issues -- it has touched every area of my life. I had considered keeping a monthly session scheduled with Melissa simply to help me in dealing with ministry related issues. 

 I believe therapy should be something we all do, like wearing deodorant.

One day recently Melissa delivered the news: “Deanna, it’s time for us to work toward closure with your therapy.”

“WHAT???” 

I almost fell off the couch.

Why Celebrating Our Progress Is Essential As Adoptees

Years ago I lost about forty pounds and was looking and feeling great. Rocking a bikini at the beach and all that. Emphasis on was. (I'm back to addressing this post-adoption issue again...one of the most challenging that has yet to be overcome.)

Anyone who has ever lost weight doesn’t need to have it explained that it's some of the hardest work you’ll ever do. Back then, I wrote down every bite that went into my mouth and was on the elliptical machine, daily.

Imagine my frustration when quite a number of well- meaning Christian friends and acquaintances said: “Deanna…you look incredible! What an amazing miracle the Lord has done in your life…”

Photo Credit: Howard-f, FlickR

Okkkkkaaaaaaaaaaay. There were no miracles. And, it wasn’t the Lord’s butt on an elliptical machine everyday.

The Stubborn and the Strong

The truth about life adopted is that it’s not all you live. Although I will always be adopted and it forever impacts my past, present and future there are many other things going on at the same time.

Photo Credit: UplandAccess, Flickr

I am blessed with a 26-year marriage, and three children. Like most if not all people, there are always issues weighing on my mind concerning my family. As a mother, I become concerned about things with my kids. Most any given week I am doing what some Pentecostals call “carpet time” on their behalf. (This consists of laying on the carpet crying out in prayer, asking begging God to do something). I am trying to keep a marriage strong. We pastor a church. Yes, it’s a wonderful thing but takes a tremendous amount of energy and fortitude. Not complaining, just stating fact.

One day I was sharing with a friend everything going on in my life aside from adoption and she said, “Oh my gosh, you have all this going on, AND you’re adopted?” I replied that I don't have any other choice.  And if you’re an adoptee, you don’t either. You have a whole life outside of adoption issues, to navigate. Doing it well is definitely intentional.

5 Choices I've Made In Response to Pain and Loss

I lost my job as a career coach and got it back, within 24 hours. 
True story.

This happened last year, in what I know was not a twist of fate but divine intervention.

Photo Credit: Michael Ruiz, Flickr

Emotional Vs. Physical Pain (And What I'm Discovering in the Storm)

Yesterday was a hard day.
Hard is not an appropriate word.
But appropriate words don't come easy right now.

I'm a wordsmith. Words are my deal.
And yet, accurate adjectives escape me.

Photo Credit: Permanently Scatterbrained, Flickr

I woke up to some adoption drama. Yes, that occurs even this far into an adoptee's journey. We will always be adopted no matter how old we get. (When they say, "Adoption is forever..." it really is!)   And our families (birth and adoptive) react in different ways to us, particularly in the storms of life. And they always will do this. It's not always a conscious thing on their parts that they do it. It's not always malicious or intentional, it's just reality. It comes with the territory of being a family "touched" by adoption as some call it, and I have come to accept this aspect and be at peace with it. I will always be different in this regard than my non-adoptee counterparts.  

Ask A Therapist: What Are The Greatest Struggles of Adoptees?

Therapists hanging out and commenting at Adoptee Restoration was something I didn't envision when I started, but it's happened quite a bit, to my delight.

Karen Caffrey, LPC, JD is a therapist I've been privileged to meet here on the blog. She gives valuable feedback on the AR Facebook page and I've come to appreciate her contributions and expertise and am interviewing her today. She specializes in working with adoptees and has an enormous amount of insight to share since she has provided therapy for so many.  She will be available in the comments for anyone who would like to ask her a follow up question. 

Deanna: Karen, it's such a privilege to have you share at Adoptee Restoration today. I love that you specialize in helping adoptees. As you know, there is such a need!  I'd like to start off by asking you...what is the greatest struggle expressed by the adoptees you have
provided therapy for? 

Significant Loss & Trauma Related to Adoption: Interview with Bonnie Martin, MEd, CACS, LCPC

Photo Credit: KetuGajjur, FlickR

When I started this blog, I expected to gather some adoptees together for healing, and hopefully educate some Christians in the process. I've been overwhelmed and humbled by unexpected responses. Many educators, social workers, licensed professional counselors and therapists (both Christians and non-Christians) have reached out to me to thank me for what I write here. 

Over and over I hear, "You're doing an important work here, Deanna. Please, don't stop." 

I believe adoptees are the experts on adoption because we are the ones who actually live it. But we're not alone in understanding the complicated realities of adoption.  Many experts possessing specialized education, professional experience and licensing also believe and declare what many of us adoptees know to be true.

 

I am going to feature them in a series of posts to come, entitled, "Ask a Therapist".  I'm incredibly excited to introduce the first therapist to be interviewed -- a personal friend of over 25 years. I admire her so much, for many reasons, one of which is the work she is doing all around the world in bringing hope and healing. 

  

Bonnie Martin, MEd, CACS, LCPC is a therapist specializing in psychotherapy for adults, young adults and adolescents. Her more extensive bio is featured at the end of this interview.

Horrible Things People Would Never Say (That Are Said All The Time!)

 

 “I know a girl at church whose mother was killed by a drunk driver  and it was never any different for her, being raised by her Dad's new wife."

“My neighbor had a son who got lost and never came home, but she never talks about it. She must be fine.”

"I kinda wish my parents would have died. I've always envied people whose parents died and were able to get new ones."

"God redeemed you through your parents death. Isn't He amazing?!"

"Friends whose spouses die are lucky. They are extra special because they have the choice to pick new ones. Better ones. Ones with more money who can provide them with a better life."

"My cousin doesn't even want to know how his parents died, or search for their bodies. He has no interest."

“My best friend thanks God every day that her parents disappeared. She knows it was God’s plan and gave her opportunities she would not have had, if her parents stayed in the picture.”  

Adoptees: In Position For Healing!

Recently, a desperately hurting adoptee asked me, "Deanna, can God really heal post-adoption issues?" 

I'm going to share my answer that I gave her, here in this post.

First, for anyone who is doubtful, let's establish why healing is needed in the first place.  

 

You can find links with a lot of information about post-adoption issues on my blog's resource page,   but today I'm going to share a part of a conversation that was on a private Facebook discussion with the Lost Daughters bloggers. I am doing so with the permission of the two writers involved, Julie Kelly and Rebecca Hawkes. (Two women I am abso-freakin-lutely crazy about.)

Julie Kelly: Adoption is not a one-time event. It is a lifelong experience. We will never be UN-adopted. Being an adoptee will forever color the way we see the world and events. Yes, adoption has a legal start date. Just like I was married 27 years ago, and I'm STILL married. 

Rebecca Hawkes: What? Julie, are you telling me that you STILL haven't gotten over being married? What is wrong with you!? 

Julie Kelly: I think adoptive parents tend to look at adoption more as a legal event that added a child to their family and that it's all over now after the judge signs the papers and they get the child home. That's adoption to them - going through the hoops to obtain a child and then finally getting one. For us, it's only just the beginning of the adoption experience. It literally never ends.

I agree with Julie and Rebecca.

An adoptee processes how their adoption impacts their life, throughout their life.  

To proclaim: "they're over it!" is not only naive, but inaccurate. 
Is the adoptee still alive?
Then they are still processing their life events.

With that said, does this mean an adoptee can't experience healing?