Dear God: Thank YOU for Getting Me Here!

 


Recently I decided to read the Gospel of John in the Bible with fresh eyes. Basically this entails trying to forget I know any of the information contained therein and try to take it in like  I’m reading it for the first time. I’m doing this in an effort to know Jesus more and differently than before.

In my quest to do this I came upon a verse in chapter one (Amplified version) that I had never seen before. It’s this one – verse 13, that I made a graphic of. I can’t believe I didn’t notice it before. When I came across it this time, it deeply spoke to me. 

For a long time I’ve said that I feel like I was dropped out of heaven, not really of this world. Please don’t misunderstand, I’m not implying that I’m God or any type of god, or an angel. Certainly not. What I am saying is that I’ve never felt like I fit in here. A huge part of that is all the pieces that are still missing. I have very little  information to speak of about my first two months of existence in the hospital and foster care. I have no photos of myself before three months of age.   I have heard many adoptees say they have a hard time feeling like they truly exist because they don’t know where they came from or who they came from.

There are many unanswered questions, and my bio mother chose to go to the grave refusing to answer them.  

So, I give God the credit for getting me here. He gets all the gratefulness.

Thank you, John 1:13. You rock. 

I am born of God.

DNA Results Are In...

 


Angela and I are not a match. Insert primal scream here.

I spiritually and emotionally prepared myself for it this time more than any other before this. I didn't stockpile Razzleberry pies. I’m not bloated today from binging. I am so disappointed but not slayed. I'm not taking off work. I'll get a lot more done now that I'm not checking DNA results 30 times a day. I'm not laying in bed crying. I'm not feeling as if I want to check out of life and leave this world.  I'm stronger now. This time I'm just taking a big breath and moving forward with everything in life including searching.

Update on the DNA Test: I'm Done Being Knocked Down

 


I got this text today from Angela. (The person who DNA tested for me that I hope is my cousin.) As you can see, DNA results can come in at literally any second now. I am a mix of excited and apprehensive. In my experience as an adoptee, this moment in time where you are waiting on a DNA result is so unique. In one sense, I love this moment because hope is alive. Never do I have as much hope as when I'm waiting for those results. When results come back as not a match as has happened to me numerous times, I do get the feeling for a while that hope is dashed on the rocks into a million pieces. It's that, "oh my God, we are back to square one..." sinking feeling.  In my experience when that happens, hope is slowly regained through the encouragement of others.   

Mental Torture and Not Knowing Who Your Bio Parent Is

 


Yesterday was three weeks since the DNA test was sent in to Ancestry. My friend Regina and I have both been checking for results about 30 times a day. I know the time given is 4-6 weeks, however some people have been known to get results earlier. I just keep the Ancestry app open on my phone, next to me.

This is my week at school, and I’m in the classroom all day long hearing lectures and engaging in class discussion. Yesterday our professor did a magic trick with a quarter, as an illustration. His execution of this trick was stellar, and every student in our class was struggling with moving on to the next topic without him telling us how he ‘magically’ moved the quarter from one place to another. 

He dismissed our questions and went on to  lecture about something else and someone would raise their hand and ask about the quarter. This went on for a few hours. We just wouldn't let it go. The whole point of his illustration was that the curiosity would drive us crazy and we would keep asking about how he did it. And it worked!

Once he had proved his point he said, “Curiosity is a sign of intelligence. Wanting to know is a sign of intelligence.”

I instantly thought, “Hmmm…I must be pretty smart!!” (Bahahahaha!!)

Once he told us the point of this whole thing, which was staying curious and going after what we have a drive to find out, all I could think about is the fact that I believe it’s literal mental torture (no, I am not exaggerating, I really do believe it is mental torture) to not know who one or both of your biological parents are.

My professor sharing about curiosity and the drive to know validated something in me where I was comforted that I’m not crazy. Although it's threatened to drive me off a cliff at times, I'm normal. There is nothing wrong with me. It’s perfectly okay that I don’t want to let this go, that I can’t just let this go.

Just like our class needed to know where that darn quarter was, I need to know who my father is.

She is Not the Victor!

 


Today makes 10 days since the DNA test was sent in. It feels as slow as molasses.

This isn’t my first rodeo with waiting on a DNA test and one thing I have learned is that the only way to stay half way sane is by immersing myself in activity.

It’s difficult to not think about the results 24/7.

Lucky for me, I lead a pretty busy life all the time. There's always plenty of work beckoning me for my  job as well as things at home and school. We've been on a staycation this week but there has still been constant cooking, cleaning, and we've been doing some special projects.  Since I have five book reviews due in the next 10 days for school, I’m pretty immersed in that as well, When you’re in grad school it doesn’t matter what else is happening -- you just stick with it if you're going to finish. Over the last few years, even if it’s been my most hectic work week, or I've been on the road for work, or someone has died, or anything really – school work has to go on if I'm going to succeed with it.

Livvy has been with us this week and that has been good for me too. I’ve taken her swimming a few times, and we went putt putt golfing. It’s easy to get taken up with anything she’s involved in, as I treasure every moment with her.We went to a new Mediterranean restaurant in the area that was out of this world. She's an extremely picky eater and even she loved it. 

 



I’ve heard that Covid 19 has slowed down some of the results from getting in as fast with the various DNA companies but I’m hoping that doesn’t happen.

If it’s a match, I have so many plans I don’t even know where to start first!! (Except screaming with glee.) I'm already planning a party, as well as a visit to Richmond.

I'm Afraid to Fall in Love

 


 My possible new Greek family member who for now here on the blog I will call Angela, has completed her DNA test and mailed it in. 

Angela has fallen in love with me as a possible family member. I feel a pull in the exact same direction but I am fearful. I am scared of my heart being broken and just as much, I don’t want to disappoint her. And then in the midst of all these feelings I stop to think, “Someone is this excited about ME???”  

The Greek Orthodox church is the center of this family’s life. It runs very deep and just how deep I cannot disclose here yet because it would give the identities away... 

Bio Father Search: The Cold Case Just Got Hot!

 


Mr. Spin has the beginnings of dementia. This explains the merry-go-round of a conversation we had earlier this week. 

How do I know this? I called one of his relatives that would be my cousin. (He has no bio children that we know of). I explained my situation and made a plea for her to help me by taking a DNA test to reveal whether I am part of their family or not. 

I hit the jackpot! She is nothing short of amazing!!  She was overjoyed to help me. Before I told her anything about me personally, she mentioned something about feeling like, "this is the Lord." I said, "Oh you're a Christian? Well, so am I..." and things just took off from there. When I say we hit it off I mean like…

Mr. Spin and the Search for my Biological Father

 



I haven’t written here in a while. There wasn’t a lot to report on my bio father search for a long span of time, and I wasn’t up to writing anything about adoption. When reading some other adoptee writers, I discover that many of them take  hiatuses from time to time for their well being. I totally understand and have been at this place for a while now.

There has been some progress on the search for my bio father. It is necessary for me to be careful how I write about it, as part of it is someone else’s story to tell, someone I have grown to care about very much. She is another adoptee who is also part of my maternal family. We are first cousins and we connected because we were a DNA match. (Thank God for DNA!)  We have been in contact for a few years now, but this coming month we will meet in person for the first time. I am so excited! I am not sure if she will be comfortable with me using her real name, so for now, here on the blog I'll call her Meg. 

Although Meg is part of my maternal family, her birth situation gives clues as to possible whereabouts of my bio mother and bio father in 1965, and friendships, connections, etc. that may identify who my bio father is. We have been pursuing those leads.   

The clues have brought us to a man I have been trying to reach who we believe may be my father...