"We Didn't Want Reunion, So We Chose Openness Instead." An Interview with Adoptive Parent, Lori Holden

Lori Holden

Today I’m interviewing the lovely Lori Holden, known in blog world as Lori Lavender Luz.  Lori is a contributing author of Adoption Reunion in the Social Media Age. She’s someone I’ve really come to appreciate in the adoption world and if you haven’t met her yet, you need to!  

 Lori is an adoptive parent who has actually written a book with her daughter’s birth mom. How cool is that?

Lori and I have the pleasure of interviewing one another on our blogs today as part of the Blog Tour for the book release. I was so excited when I found out we had been matched up together, for this writing project!  Lori is the writer of the chapter: “We Didn’t Want Reunion, So We Chose Openness Instead.” 

Deanna: Lori, why do you believe people would think a purposeful reunion, spearheaded by adoptive parents to be “crazy”?

It's Finally Published!

Lost Daughters:   Writing Adoption from a Place of Empowerment and Peace is now available in ebook format with print copies forthcoming, on Amazon.com.

This anthology, boasting nearly 30 Lost Daughters authors, was edited by Amanda H.L. Transue-Woolston, Julie Stromberg, Karen Pickell, and Jennifer Anastasi. It features a collection of writings aimed to bring readers the perspectives of adopted women and highlight their strength, resiliency, and wisdom.

In his review, Addison Cooper, blogger at, “Adoption at the Movies,” says: 

Lost Daughters: Writing Adoption from a Place of Empowerment and Peace gathers the well-articulated stories of around two dozen adult women who have been adopted. The stories shared are powerful and painful, open and honest, and realistically complex. No one is standing on a soapbox; these are real, lived experiences that the Lost Daughters continue to process, understand, and share. The book does not tell adoptees or adoptive parents how to feel, it simply believes that “the voices of adult adoptees make adoption better.”

Again… conversation can bring about understanding. Understanding creates interpersonal health.

That’s why I write Adoption at the Movies. That’s why the Lost Daughters write. That’s why people read stuff like this. We are all taking steps in the right direction in an emotionally loaded situation, forgoing polarizing polemics in favor of insightful, honest, and considered dialogue. And I think this is the road that will lead to healing for those who have been hurt through adoption, and to better experiences for the people yet to be adopted. Adoptees can find healing and community; adoptive parents can make better choices, social workers like me can learn to be more sensitive. This is a good book, and I hope it's joined by many others like it.

Read the free sample of this book that contains the entire Table of Contents and some sample chapters, here. 

Purchase the book, here.

  

TWO Blockbuster Adoption Books in One Week? My Cup Runneth Over!

Fate would have it that two hot things in adopt-o-world are happening THIS WEEK!  It’s the release of two breakthrough books, and my only dilemma is which one to talk about first.  These books will change the world as we know it! I truly believe that.

I’m so honored to be a contributing author to both books. Both are anthologies and feature some of the most incredible people I’ve ever had the privilege to know.

The two amaaaaaazing books are:

Adoption Reunion in the Social Media Age,  the brain child of my bestie, Laura Dennis who compiled and edited this masterpiece.  

And...

 Lost Daughters: Writing About Adoption From a Place of Empowerment and Peace edited by Amanda H.L. Transue- Woolston, Julie Stromberg, Karen Pickell and Jennifer Anastasi, published by CQT Media and Publishing, LGA.  

Already, the Lost Daughters book has hit #1 in Amazon's adoption hot new releases and #4 in adoption bestsellers!

Both books are a MUST HAVE for anyone who cares anything about adoption. 

Right now they are both available on Kindle and in the months forthcoming they will be available for paperback purchase.

On Wednesday I’m going to share more about the Lost Daughters book. And on Friday, I’m doing an interview with the lovely Lori Lavender Luz, one of the authors of Adoption Reunion in the Social Media Age. She's someone I've grown to love and respect, a lot. 

Here at Adoptee Restoration, I’m going to be talking about both books in all of my posts this week, because I believe strongly in both projects. When you read these books, you'll see for yourself that every chapter in these books is a home run.

With Laura Dennis’s permission, I’m going to share a portion of my chapter in the Adoption Reunion in the Social Media Age book, in today's post, below.  

Adoption and Discernment: What Do They Have in Common?

Adoptees -- how do you know if you’re dealing with adoption issues, or other issues of life?

 This question was posed to me last week on Adoptee Restoration Facebook in response to one of my posts here last week entitled, Sometimes, It’s Not Adoption.

I promised a follow up to Margaret's question in the form of a post, so here we go...

Knowing the root of an issue is important. Can God do something about a problem although we don't understand all about it? Yes.  And sometimes, it’s not a spiritual issue but one that requires something of us in the natural. It’s important to pray that God would help us to discern what is needed.

What's So Great About Being an Older Adoptee? (Not Old! Just A Bit Older.)

“Who are you?”

My friend of many years said this to me, just a few months ago. And, she didn't mean it in a negative way. She was saying that she didn’t recognize who I'd become. 

“Seriously…who are you, Deanna?” she went on… “Because, whatever this change is...can I just say that I'm loving it…?”

Yeah. Me too.

This is an amazing season. I wish I had entered it years ago although I’m not sure it would have been possible. Maybe it would have been if I could have found a therapist like Melissa Richards, sooner. But the older aspect? Well,  being older only comes through…aging. Brilliant, Deanna! This is why people read your blog, to find such revelations, like the fact that being older only happens by aging.

Could I have learned these lessons without more life experience?

I don’t know. There’s a lot of "I don’t knows" today, if you hadn’t noticed.

I do know this -- some of this is not about being adopted.

There’s something that happens when you enter your forties, that seems to be common. And I hear it becomes even fiercer in your fifties, though I’m not there yet. My friends who are there tell me to buckle up, hold on to the bar and get ready! Well, actually they warn Larry more than me...

There's this “thing” that happens to you as your body begins to change -- so do a lot of other things. You tend to not give a rip about things you used to freak out about. In mid-life, a new-found confidence seems to indwell whereby you can finally face your worst fears in order to live true.

Maybe it's that you have less time to face them, and you are more cognizant of that, daily...I don't know. There's that pesky "I don't know," again. 

I know this. There are things I have done the last year that I would have never done, in my young adult adoptee life.

Breakthrough For One of Our Own in Adoptee Community Don't Give up Hope! E-V-E-R!!!

Joe Soll

This past weekend the adoptee community was  buzzing! Everywhere I looked, I saw the reports of this breakthrough!

The big news was about  Joe Soll, psychotherapist, author, adoption educator and founder of the Adoption Healing Network. 

Backstory: Joe is a black market adoptee who was sold as a baby, by a famous baby broker in New York named Bessie Bernard. He was resigned to accept the fact that he would probably never be able to know the truth of his history, or find his family. The time period of his search was 32 years.

Enter: DNA testing!

Sometimes, It's Not Adoption

I’ve been adopted longer than most anything else in my life, except breathing and peeing so it's tempting to make it my go-to thought when I face a challenge.

My prayer journal

For my spiritual, physical and emotional health, I've had to realize ~

Sometimes it’s marriage.

Sometimes it’s work.

Sometimes it’s parenting.

Sometime its people-drama.

Sometimes it’s lack of coffee.

Sometimes it’s lack of a day off.

Sometimes its lack of exercise.

Sometimes it’s sin.  

Sometimes it’s a lack of chocolate.

Sometimes it’s a lack of vitamins.

Sometimes it’s a lack of sex.

Sometime it’s lack of spiritual renewal.

Sometimes its spiritual warfare. 

Sometimes it’s my own lack of sense.

The list goes on and on, the root causes many.

Sometimes an issue has everything to do with something else, although I am an adoptee experiencing it.   I've addressed post-adoption issues in my life. At times there are other things begging to be addressed as well.

Whether I have victory in an area greatly depends on my determination to get to the root, and deal with it. For my sake, and the sake of others around me, it's my priority to be aware and take action -- no matter what the cause or the cost.

The Epic Fail: NPR's Transracial Adoption Interview

Angela Tucker

Last week, NPR requested to interview my friend and fellow Lost Daughters blogger, Angela Tucker,  on the issue of transracial adoption. 

Angela was the perfect choice for their interview, not only because she is a transracial adoptee but also because of her powerful story that has been chronicled in the documentary, Closure.  

After completing the interview, NPR made the decision to not feature Angela's interview. Instead, they featured a white adoptive parent – Rachel Garlinghouse, to discuss the issues transracial adoptees face.  Even the title of Garlinghouse's blog, White Sugar, Brown Sugar, is offensive. The sad reality is, many in our world today still need to be educated as to why such a title is problematic. Evidently, Garlinghouse herself doesn't get it.

Do Adoptees Who Fight for Change Have a Victim Mentality?

"Aren’t you just playing into a victim mentality by talking about the effects of adoption on your life?"

I’ve gotten this question before.

Photo Credit: Bilal Kamoon, Flickr

This is such an interesting inquiry, as I consider the courage it takes for an adoptee to address issues rather than deny them. 

Perhaps adoption is the only subject where affected people are considered whiny for admitting their need, rather than brave. 

Steve Jobs and Post-Adoption Pain (It's SO Obvious, People!!)

Countless graphics have crossed my Facebook page lauding the fact that Steve Jobs was a history maker, and adopted.

Ones like this:

Last week I finally got around to watching the movie, Jobs.   I was tied up with work projects when the movie came out and couldn’t get to it. All this time it’s been on my mind to get it at Redbox and the other night my husband finally brought it home for us to watch. 

One thought kept coming to my mind the whole movie.

How come I haven't heard even one person comment on the obvious?

The movie is one humongous post adoption issue screaming in your face!!

Quit, Die or Bounce. What Will You Do? (Confessions of a Professional Bouncer)

“M” sent me this picture last Thursday with only three words attached:

“Here we go!”

She sent her DNA test off in the mail, and now we wait.

As any of you know who have been through this process before, depending on which one of the three companies you use (Ancestry, 23andMe or FTDNA) they say results come back in 8-10 weeks or so. I got my Ancestry results back in four and lots of my friends did too. But, there are no guarantees.

If you have no idea who “M” is and you want to know, go back and read this post.