Deanna: Laura, as you know one of our adoptee friends is currently
experiencing a crushing rejection from her natural family. As we were
attempting to console her about what had just happened, you went right to the
heart of where I usually go personally when experiencing disappointment with my
natural or adoptive family. You told her, "In
times like this, I focus on the family I created." Your words
immediately resonated with me, because this focus has been so crucial to my own
health and well-being.
Laura: It’s so hard. Anyone who has had the
courage to go through with search and reunion has faced rejection, or the possibility
of it. Adoption reunions involve so many emotions, so much deep and buried
pain; it can be hard to navigate, even when both sides want contact.
I feel so awful and impotent; our friend is beside herself, just so full of grief.
But I so dislike platitudes. “It will all work out for the best!”
I feel so awful and impotent; our friend is beside herself, just so full of grief.
But I so dislike platitudes. “It will all work out for the best!”
No,
no. It might not. Maybe it will all work out, but maybe it won’t. It might
really suck. It might take all your strength to get through. It might take a
long time, longer than expected.
Rejection from our natural families can feel like a sucker punch to the gut. It’s like non-adoptees would say, “Don’t take it too seriously; it’s just your birth family!” Bull. It is something, it’s a big thing, and the pain is real, tangible even.
Rejection from our natural families can feel like a sucker punch to the gut. It’s like non-adoptees would say, “Don’t take it too seriously; it’s just your birth family!” Bull. It is something, it’s a big thing, and the pain is real, tangible even.
That’s
why in those moments of darkest rejection, we have to refocus. Holding my own
child? Remembering that it’s my job to bring that person up, to create a loving
relationship and strong bond? Those are things that are within my control. (And
yes, I do have adoptee control issues.)
Deanna,
I know you feel very strongly about this topic. The family you created is what
has brought you through some of your darkest times. Can you talk a little bit
more about the peace this has provided for you?