I got this text today from Angela. (The person who DNA tested for me that I hope is my cousin.) As you can see, DNA results can come in at literally any second now. I am a mix of excited and apprehensive. In my experience as an adoptee, this moment in time where you are waiting on a DNA result is so unique. In one sense, I love this moment because hope is alive. Never do I have as much hope as when I'm waiting for those results. When results come back as not a match as has happened to me numerous times, I do get the feeling for a while that hope is dashed on the rocks into a million pieces. It's that, "oh my God, we are back to square one..." sinking feeling. In my experience when that happens, hope is slowly regained through the encouragement of others.
I am in a really good headspace right now regarding the results. I can’t say that things have always been that way. There have been times I have hoped against hope and known that if it wasn’t a match I was going to be rather emotional about it for a while.
I am not sure why, but I am not feeling that this time. Perhaps it’s because I’ve gone through this so many times. Maybe it’s because I’ve gotten stronger emotionally. This isn’t to say that it isn’t excruciating mentally or that adoptees shouldn’t take it hard when that happens. I realize this is totally subjective as well. People handle things differently.
I’ve developed even more of the attitude that relinquishment, adoption, sealed records, secondary rejection, failed reunion, and everything surrounding it has already taken so much from my life and I don’t want it to take any more from me.
I want this to be a match more than I could ever express. But if it’s not, it will not slay me. I’m done with being knocked down and I am going to win. I don’t know exactly when I will win, but I know I will.