Adoptee Marriage and the Value of Learning to "Press Pause"

Do you feel the freedom to enjoy your relationship with your spouse   while still working through issues?

Last night Larry and I invited a bunch of married couples from the church over to our home. We had dinner together and then moved into the living room where Larry and I opened our hearts to them and shared encouragement about some things that have kept our marriage strong for 26 years and counting.

Larry & Me..."pressing pause"

Larry spoke of the importance of what he calls, “pressing pause.” There are times we feel our problems in life are so overwhelming, we can’t enjoy our partner or our marriage in general. Life feels overwhelming, and we shut down. He says it’s important to “press pause” on the issues once in a while and remember to enjoy our spouse.

Let me break this down for you as to how we can apply this as adoptees.  I have faced all of these and more and had to learn to speak truth to myself. 

Adoptees: Getting Your Spouse to Understand Holiday Triggers

Recently an adoptee asked me:   “Deanna, it seems like you have a really supportive marriage. How do you handle triggers at the holidays? What things does your husband do to help? Can you share this in a blog post?”

I agree that Larry is very supportive of me, in general.  At the same time, we still have challenges at times. This is normal for anyone -- not just adoptees. 

I am glad for the ways Larry is able to meet my needs, but I don’t look for him to meet all of them.  

My husband and I communicate a lot -- but on any one issue, his limit is about 15-20 minutes. Meanwhile, I still have a lot more talking to do. Whether it’s about issues I’m having as a mother, a pastor, a leader in any of the roles I carry, an adoptee, or anything else – I need a variety of friends for understanding and dialogue. 

Adoptees & Marriage: When Your Spouse Doesn't Understand

Many requests have come to my inbox asking for help with adoptee marriage issues.

I’ve also noticed on a few adoptee sites the past few weeks that adoptees seem to be interested in and asking for help concerning their marriage.  

Photo Credit: Lee J. Haywood, Flickr

My mailbox has informed me that some of you aren't currently in a relationship or married although you want to be -- you fear it because of your unresolved adoption issues. Others have expressed that you are in a marriage that is desperately hurting because your spouse doesn't understand your issues. And some of you have been divorced once or several times because of unresolved adoption pain, among other things. 


At the outset here, let me say, there is no judgment here. 
Only love, help and hope!


I have heard your hearts cry.  We're launching a new column here specifically speaking to adoptee marriage issues.  [Insert wild cheering here.]

New Feature at AR: Adoptee Marriage!

I say "we" because...I’m not going to write this regular column alone – my husband of 26 years is going to join me. It’s only fitting. Not only has he walked through life with me for almost three decades, but he’s also got the most popular post here at Adoptee Restoration. No, I’m not jealous. Even though I've written thousands of blog posts, and he's only written one and BOOM. But whatever.

What can you expect out of this ongoing series? I’ll be writing some posts alone, and so will Larry. And some, we will co-write. 

We’re going to address everything, and I do mean everything. We’ll try to keep it R-rated just in case you leave your computer open and your kid starts reading. No worries. 

An Adoptee's Husband Speaks Guest Post: Larry Shrodes

Note from Deanna: Today I'm featuring the first guest post ever here at Adoptee Restoration.  Being that the topic this week is marriage and adoptees, I thought it would be a great idea to invite the person who has walked beside me for over half of my life's journey to speak to this topic. Thanks babe, for being willing to share today.   

As a pastor, I have provided pre-marital counseling and performed countless weddings. During the counseling I always ask the future bride and groom a lot of questions about their family of origin, particularly their experiences as children and the kind of home they grew up in. Whether positive or negative experiences, their marriage will be affected by their history.  I am not saying they are destined to repeat those family experiences, good or bad. And I’m not saying they are doomed by them. I am just pointing out that it can’t help but affect them. I find that a person will usually decide to be just like their family or not at all like their family, nonetheless, their family has shaped the way they process things.

I have learned that adoption is not just about what happened in my wife’s life as a baby, but what takes place in her life in continued relationship with her family members. Family affects our lives - even the ones we don’t live with and sometimes the ones we don’t even know. 

My wife is the strongest woman I know. She's an outstanding wife, mother, minister and human being. I believe she can do anything, and yet I have seen how adoption issues have the ability to cause grief and heartache, the depth of which are hard to describe. The hardest thing for me is the inability to fix it.