Adoption and Coming to a Place of Peace

“The odds are that everyone sitting in this classroom today will not make it through this course. Some of you will drop out because it will become  uncomfortable to deal with the issues that will be brought up in this class.” 

This was said by my professor this past semester in a Christian counseling course I took as part of my bridge work toward my doctorate.

The professor was right. I recall three people who dropped out mid-way through the course. And among those who didn’t, it became emotional at times. I cried during two of the lectures and I remember glancing over at my colleague who is another minister about my age – a big strong man. There he sat at his desk with his head in his hands, handkerchief up to his eyes, weeping.

What was going on? A considerable amount of processing our past.  

What About Forever Don't You Understand?

Adoptive parents are famous for posting about their “”forever” families. I couldn’t agree more, it is forever. Which is why it irks me when someone asks, “Why do you call yourself an adoptee?” Or, “Why do you still consider yourself adopted? You were adopted. You are not adopted anymore.”

Ummmm…yes, I am.

It’s FOREVER, remember?

You get your “forever family” but you also deal with all the other aspects of adoption until you die and go into eternity.

I don’t understand why some people question why we refer to ourselves as adoptees. It’s the correct term for one who is adopted. Check it here, in the dictionary, folks.

I don’t understand why some people question why an adoptee would be wrestling with any aspect of being adopted, at any age.

It’s a process, and it’s forever.    

Christians: You Can't Have it Both Ways

Recently I read a book entitled, Cross-Cultural Servanthood:Serving the World in Christlike Humility, for  class I am taking as part of my Master’s degree. (It's an excellent book that I would recommend to any Christian leader.) In Chapter 5, I came across a quote that caused me to put my Kindle down, and reflect for a while. 

The author, Duane Elmer says:

Dallas Willard offers a stinging critique of Western culture and institutions: The infant who is not received in love by the mother and others is wounded for life and may even die. It must bond with its mother or someone in order to take on a self and a life. And rejection, no matter how old one is, is a sword thrust to the soul that has literally killed many. Western culture is, largely unbeknown to itself, a culture of rejection. This is one of the irresistible effects of what is called ‘modernity,’ and it deeply affects the concrete forms Christian institutions take in our time. It seeps into our souls and is a deadly enemy to spiritual formation in Christ.”[1]

What frustrates me about this quote is that most Christians and more than likely Dallas Willard himself would agree with this except when it comes to adoptees. To tell people that adoptees experience the same thing Willard speaks of here would more than likely fall not only on deaf but offended ears.

 

It is convenient to use data or illustrations about infants and mothers when we want to talk about the need to help people with spiritual formation. Why can’t people see that adoptees are likewise impacted? If you told most Christians that adoptees may be “wounded for life” or “may even die” (I’m using Willard’s words here about what rejected infants face) they would be dismissed and possibly even mocked. It's okay to believe that infants will go through rejection, loss and pain...UNLESS they are adopted. 

It is always interesting to me about how Christians bring up the importance of the mother/child bond when it suits them, and downplay it when it doesn’t. You can’t have it both ways.   

It does impact an infant for life when they are rejected. Period. It’s time we acknowledge that without giving an exception for adoption.              

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[1] Duane Elmer, Cross-Cultural Servanthood: Serving the World in Christlike Humility (Downers Grove, IL: InterVarsity Press, 2006), 15.

Help When Reunion Blows Up A Conversation with Laura Dennis

Today I'm doing one of my favorite things to do! I'm having a conversation with my dear friend, Laura Dennis. Specifically we are talking about being restored personally after reunion blows up in your face. I wrote about this in my recent book release, Restored. The first part of this conversation is at Laura's blog, so if you've come here first, hop over there and read and then circle back here for the ending. Here we go...

Deanna – Thank you! That means so much to me. I have a lot of compassion for all people who have been through this type of pain. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone! I guess we all tend to think our pain is the worst because it’s what we know, what we have experienced. As you know it’s important that we never dismiss nor mock a pain we haven’t endured. I try to be sensitive to all types of wounds that may be people’s reality. And, admittedly I am more attuned to this one because I’ve experienced it. My heart is to tell people, there is help, there is hope. I see so many of our friends and acquaintances who make comments on social media saying things like, “This will never get any better,” and “there is no hope, no moving forward for me…” and I want so badly for them to experience what I have. This was the catalyst for Restored. 

Laura Dennis

Laura—I would also add that you are a highly empathetic person, so that helps with your sensitivity and attunement. You really did come from such a broken place—but you walked (sometimes crawled!) that path to healing, and you stand so much stronger today.

I know that Restored is going to help so many people. It’s actually the best bit of advice I could give someone who thinks there is no hope: 

Muster just enough hope to start reading this book. 

What other advice would you give to someone in the depths of their despair? 

Deanna—Know that no matter what it looks like today, it really can be different tomorrow. It won’t automatically be that way. Victory doesn’t just fall on you. So much of restoration is putting yourself in position for it. As you take steps toward healing you can and will move forward. There are many tangible and practical steps I give in the book in the Restoration Toolkit chapter. But if I were to just give a few words of advice–I would say three things.

First, if you don’t have enough faith to believe for restoration right now–hold on to someone else’s. Hold on to a friend, a family member, or mine right now. Know that although this may be your darkest hour, there is help and hope for a different tomorrow. Refuse to give up!

Second, get some help from human beings who know what they are doing when it comes to this. Realize you don’t know it all. Admit that you need help. Eight months of therapy were invaluable for me in the healing process. I wouldn’t be writing this right now and furthermore, I don’t know where I’d be had I not gotten that help.

Third, know that God is there and cares for you. Reach out to Him. Maybe you don’t believe in God right now. I challenge you to simply ask Him to make Himself real to you… to show you that He is truly there and cares for you. There is no judgment in this challenge, only love. God loves you and He has a plan for your life and your restoration.  He will walk with you through this pain and help you get to the other side.

Laura—Such great advice, I truly hope it speaks to those who need to hear it. I also want to remind both of our readers how much authors value (and need!) their honest reviews—they definitely help future potential readers make a buying decision, so please leave your review of Restored once you finish reading it. 

Deanna - Yes! Reviews are golden and I so appreciate every single one of them. If you have read the book, it would mean so much to me if you would give a review on Amazon. Thank you all for reading and joining us for this conversation today.

The Adoption-Reconstruction Phase Theory: Where I'm At With It Today

I know some people take great offense to this theory. Not to the graphics, (thank you Amanda Woolston/TDA for a great job in creating the graphic) but the content. I write this post not to hurt anyone at all, simply sharing how my thoughts have evolved about the theory over time.

I didn’t know what I used to think or feel about it and have mulled it over a lot. Here is what I have come to believe, and of course it's my observation and opinion, and well – it’s just that – what one person thinks.

I realize this graphic shows a very brief summary of what is a large body of  work. There’s so much more to it. But I want to speak in general today of what I think/feel when I look at this today versus many months ago.

There are times I have bounced around and fluctuated between all of the phases. I think that happens because of triggers, and from what I understand, that is normal.  A huge trigger can put me in phase 3 pretty quick, and thankfully I now have tools to help guide me out of that and into a peaceful place.

I also believe that working through and finding peace doesn’t necessarily mean acceptance that what happened was right, fair, etc.  Acceptance can be a place of peace that this is what happened that you can do nothing about – BUT – you can be at peaceful and successful, and not be stuck in life.

Observing many in the adoptee and first parent community, what I notice – and this should be no shock – is simply that those who get real help fare better  than those who do not. And my observation is also that most don't get real help, which is sad.

With all that said, I’m glad I insisted upon getting help. It took courage because so many people think we don’t need it and even ridicule us for getting it. In their minds, it would be like winning the lottery and going to counseling over it.

They. Have. No. Idea.

It takes fortitude to press beyond the jeers of, “Explain to me again what you’re upset about or why you’re getting counseling..?”

Maybe that’s why so many people don’t pursue help. They may have to wade past a lot of emotional abuse to get it. I understand that and have faced my share of it.

To add insult to injury some people show up and have a therapist tell them they don’t understand why they are there. It’s devastating. Thankfully times are changing in that regard.

To summarize my thought today – getting the right help is so important for adoptees. And my observation is that those who have had the most help, move forward the most. That should be a no brainer except for the fact that so many people are still doing it on their own, all the while emotionally bleeding. And some don't even realize the trail they leave behind, why it exists and how it's affecting others.

   

Adoptee Marriage: The Trigger Free Home

Recently I let my husband know that I needed our home to be a trigger free zone. I really wish I would have done this sooner!

Maybe you are an adoptee who lives in a trigger free home, but I wasn’t one until recently. 

My husband and I have had conversations about many issues we don't agree on. Adoption-related issues we disagree on are rare, as I would estimate we agree on 95% of the issues. Still there is that 5%. And sometimes the conversations about those rare things can be heated and hurtful.

Larry has lived with me for 27 years of marriage, and understands as much as a non-adoptee can, about what it’s like to be me. When we have disagreed regarding something about adoption, it would usually trigger me terribly, sending me to an emotionally low place. Even though our disagreement about adoption was rare, the fact that my spouse believed the opposite of me on something that went to the very core of my very being was hard. Sometimes I would be triggered simply because he didn't get what I was triggered by and I felt dismissed.

After 27 years of marriage, he is still surprised at certain things that trigger me.

 In the past we would talk through these issues, hash them out, and ultimately agree to disagree. But something has changed. It was my job.

A year ago I went from working in the church as co-pastor, (where I've been our entire marriage) to serving as director of women's ministries in our state denominational office.  When serving in this role, triggers come a lot more than they did when I was working in the church. I meet so many more people, many of them adoptees and adoptive parents. I handle triggers well in the context of my work, and am successful at my job. But at times, it's a lot to hold in until I get home.

I compartmentalize well in order to be successful. Holding it in forever isn't good, and I don't hold it in -- even for a few days. Processing my feelings with other adoptees in order to stay emotionally healthy is essential.

Because I am triggered so much more in the role in which I now serve, I’ve requested that our home be a safe zone. Coming home to more triggers than I already face would be overwhelming. I need my home as a place of refuge. I used to be able to handle the occasional debate or disagreement with him regarding adoption but that is not the case anymore.  Though we may have only dissented on 5% of the issues, even 5% is too much for me at this time as I have no more emotional bandwidth for triggers other than the ones I already deal with.

This means Larry and I don’t discuss the 5% anymore and he is also understanding of my need to bow out of watching certain shows or movies with the family. Before we watch a show, I ask them if there's anything in it that will affect me.

So how this works is, anytime I am feeling triggered by a conversation, I inform Larry that we need to change the topic and then we do. Of course I do not abuse this and cry “trigger” when it has nothing to do with adoption. Ha ha!

I must say, I like things much better this way. It’s really not necessary for me to discuss the 5% with him, nor do I need to subject myself to entertainment that creates negative emotions for me but makes my family feel good that I’m sitting on the couch next to them. 

What do you think about home being a trigger free zone at home? Would you specifically ask your family for this like I did? Why or why not?