May 12, 2015

Waiting for DNA Test Results
(And a pair of small panties)

I'm resisting the urge to check on DNA results every five minutes.

If it's a match - I will have found another sister, and confirmed the identity of my father. 

If we are a match – what will I do?
If we're not a match – what will I do?

If we are not a match --- back to the @#$%^&*(+=S~0 drawing board.

What is that? It's a cuss word that doesn’t exist yet in the world.  There are no words currently in existence to describe my distain for what adoptees go through to discover the truth of our history. So I have to make words up on occasion.

If the DNA is not a match I am back to doing more research and then putting on the biggest pair of big girl panties anyone has ever seen, taking a deep breath, and making another cold call where I say: 

 “Hello, ______________________? I know this is probably the strangest call you’ve ever received. Thank you for not hanging up. Well, not to freak you out or anything but there’s a possibility that I’m your sister. You see back in 1965 it seems my mother may have had an affair with your father. Hello…hello…are you still there? Okay, thank you…thank you so much for not hanging up on me. I don’t want to harm you, truly I don’t. I know that sounds bizarre being that I'm calling you out of nowhere to say your Dad may have had an affair...but really -- I mean no harm. I have references of respected people you can call who will tell you this.  And, I'm not asking for anything materially. I just want to know where I come from. I know this is asking a lot but I'm wondering if you would be willing to do something for me. If I cover the cost, would you take a DNA test?"

This is not a joke.  

Sadly, cold calls like the one above are what is necessary to find out who my natural father is.

I wish it wasn't the way it has to be done. If only my mother would have said, “Deanna your father’s name is ______________, and you can find him at such and such place.” But, that’s not what happened.

So, as information comes to light about who my father is, or may be – I pick up the phone and call their relative.

My husband and a few friends are amazed that so far in my search process, two total strangers, said yes to taking a DNA test on the same day I first called them. I pray my guts out before I call them, and quite frankly don't know what I'd do if someone said no. I hope I never have to find out.

I have learned so much about the kindness of strangers through this process. Sadly I have discovered that total strangers will sometimes do more for you than people you've known a long time.

This Thursday will be 30 days of waiting for results and in other people's experience that I've talked to who have utilized the same company, it's usually around that time when results start coming in.

I don’t want to have to go through this again.
But I will if I have to.

People who don’t understand would say, “You don’t have to. This isn't necessary.”

It’s easy to say, and usually stated by those who already know all of their history. It’s easy to dismiss somebody who wants what has never been missing in your life.

I really want this to be the end of this aspect of the journey. But I’m prepared to quickly pick up the pieces and go on with the next phase if that’s what turn things take.

Like most people in my situation, I have so many areas in my life to keep going. I’ll compartmentalize another loss and keep it all spinning if what's what it takes.

I’m ready to trade the biggest pair of big girl panties for a tiny pair.
Please God, please.  A tiny pair of panties, in Jesus’ name.