Adoptees Who Search: There's Always Something Left to Do!

 

When I was searching for my maternal family, I went by the saying, “There’s always something left to do!” Every time I thought I had exhausted all avenues and there was literally nothing left to do, I was wrong. There was always another stone left unturned and if I thought long and hard enough, I would discover it. I’ve taken to using this as my motto for the paternal search as well.  For any adoptee who is searching and feeling like you've come to the end -- you haven't. I promise. 

Keep going!

With my maternal search, "something left to do" was limited to the search itself. With my paternal search, DNA testing has changed things.

Why I Struggle With This Time of Year More Than Any Other as An Adoptee (And Who God Sent to Help Me With That!)

Last week I received a Facebook friend request from a lady named Linda. I was so excited. She is Kenny’s wife!  (If you have no idea who Kenny is, you need to read my last post.) Kenny is not connected on social media, but Linda is. And she’s just the sweetest. Here is part of her first communication to me on a Facebook message:

Hey Deanna! It’s wonderful to hear from you. Kenny and I feel like you've become family.  Kenny has been checking with people in the family and people that might have graduated with your Momma. We haven't heard anything that would help you yet.  But as you know, God is great every day! I am praying for you that God will lead you to some answers and peace of mind in knowing about your Daddy and other family. That would be a blessing for you. I hope Kenny and I can meet you one day. I hope you and your family have a very blessed Christmas. 

This is the first of many messages with Linda and I am beyond grateful for this couple. For all the frustration I have in dealing with a few  idiots people with my search, I am reminded through people like Kenny and Linda that there are people who are willing to help a person who was once a stranger. 

 

It's Not The End, My Friend!

 

I recently heard it said: "You'll be surprised how far you can go from the point where you thought it was the end.” 

I believe this with all my heart! So many times I’ve thought it was the end with my search, but it’s never the end until the breakthrough comes. One of the best pieces of advice I was given with my first search was, “There’s always something else to do.” And it’s true! 

You never run out of steps to take in a search. I’ve found most times when a person says there is nothing more to do, they have just run out of steps they don’t mind taking. For instance, one step I hesitated to take was going public on some social media pages to ask the public to help with my search. I held back on that for as long as possible but finally came to a point where it was “the next thing.” If you are stuck in your search, what are you hesitating on doing?  

Recently I was involved in an adoptee search. I rarely to almost never have time for that anymore with my schedule the way it is, but this was an exception. It’s so exhilarating to complete a search. There’s nothing like it! I remember when I completed my maternal search. I literally didn’t sleep for days afterward, I was so enraptured.

Every time I have occasion to be part of someone’s search, even if it’s just that I’ve “shared” their post on Facebook, or I have prayed for them -- I remind myself of what happened to Job.

In Job 42:10 it says, “After Job had prayed for his friends, the Lord restored his fortunes and gave him twice as much as he had before.” 

I continue to hope that as I help others, my prayers will also one day be answered with my paternal search.   

Never doubt what a girl who prays and helps others can accomplish. 

Don't give up, my friend. 

Live Your Life Like a DNA Test

"Don't ever give up!" It's the resounding cry to all on so many adoptee support pages.

I agree.

I believe.

I encourage others to keep believing.

More people are testing their DNA than ever, and there is more potential for results than ever.

And yet sometimes, I can’t be the one to carry the search for a while. Even though it’s my own.

My friend Gayle came to me a while back and said, “Let me handle the search. Don’t focus on it right now, just let me do it.” I never asked her to do that. I would never expect her to do that. But, she offered. And in my exhaustion, I fell into her arms and simply said, “thank you.”

Gayle taking the lead came after previous searches that slayed me. I cried more tears cried than I ever knew I had inside me each time a DNA test came back and wasn't a match. On the one where I met "M" and so desperately wanted her to be family, I remember getting the results and immediately scheduling a massage, my whole body hurt so much because of the anguish. I can still call up in my mind what it was like to lay on that massage table with tears falling down through the face hole the entire time, gathering a literal puddle on the floor. After all of that and more, I think Gayle knew instinctively that I didn’t know if I had one more try in me. She said, “When you don’t have it in you, I have it in me…”

Gayle has told me she will never, ever, ever, ever, ever give up. And I love her for it. I expect nothing and she gives everything. She works tirelessly with all of my DNA results and makes trees. And then more trees. She comes up for air once in a while and tells me if she found anything.

Although I haven’t struck DNA gold yet, I still recommend DNA testing to everyone. I have discovered so much through DNA that has been valuable to my search. Last August through new DNA results on Ancestry, a family secret in my biological maternal family was revealed. My natural mother had warned me that if I did DNA I may "upset the apple cart" (her exact words) and now I know what she was talking about.  In reality, it upsets absolutely no one's apple cart who is committed to living truthfully and transparently.

Through the revelation of that secret, I came to realize that we had been headed in the wrong direction for a while. My search team wasted a lot of time barking up the wrong trees because of misinformation. There were tips I was given that were lies…with no other intention than to throw me off on the search. It’s my thought that one reason it was important for them to try to throw me off was because if and when I find my natural father, it may have potential to reveal more on the details of the other secrets. 

Being lied to hurts but it’s built my resolve even more on how to live. And I’ll take it this far to say – how God wants everyone to live.

We need to all live like a DNA test.

It doesn’t lie.

            

Another year

Today’s my birthday.  

Over half a century has gone by. 

Yes, it's really been that long. 

I am still searching. 

And I wonder how many more birthdays will go by before I know, and if you are even still having birthdays.