This post is the second in the , Why It’s Never Helpful to Tell Adoptees to Be Grateful They Weren’t Aborted series.
After exploring this subject and bringing some
enlightenment to those who had no clue of this fact, I’d now like to move on to
bring some of my adoptee and first mother friends to talk about another related
issue in response to this question. That is, the fact that adoption and
abortion are not the same issue. After they share, I’ll wrap things up.
Deanna: Adoptee friends, why is it not helpful to tell adoptees to just be grateful they weren't aborted?
“It is no more
appropriate to tell an adoptee to be grateful they were not aborted than it
would be to tell a non-adoptee that. ALL of our mothers made the same choice to
give birth, whether they were married, single, rich, poor, young, old,
whatever. Any of them could have aborted but did not. We need not be any more
grateful for being alive than anyone else who is breathing. Adoption is not the
opposite of abortion, giving birth is. The opposite of adoption is being raised
within your own family.”
Julie J., Adoptee
“Abortion and
adoption are two different topics entirely. It’s so painful to know my biological mother
carried me nine months, gave birth to me, then met me eighteen years later and
still doesn’t want me. “ Ashley Flannery Zermeno, Adoptee
“It is not
helpful because abortion and adoption are two entirely separate things.
Abortion is about ending a pregnancy. If the decision is one of continuing the
pregnancy instead of aborting, then there are options, not just adoption.
People who ask such questions seem to assume that adoption is the opposite of
abortion. But this is not the case. A mother, father or both can parent the
child. Or perhaps the child could be relinquished to others for raising. As
such, I am no more grateful for having not been aborted than the person who was
raised by their natural parents and who was also not aborted.” Julie Stromberg,
Adoptee
“Because it
completely glosses over and does not acknowledge the pain and loss that
adoption brings. It’s a way to yet again silence the adoptee’s voice. Our
rights have been taken away, we are denied access to basic information, and
with that statement, they nullify our pain and loss. That is how that statement
is most damaging. If I hadn't been born, well then I wouldn't be suffering right
now... but I was born, and I do suffer. The statement is akin to telling a rape
victim that they 'asked for it' by how they dressed.” Tracy A. Hammond, Adoptee
“When people
have said that to me, I respond with "Anytime you feel the sting of life,
how about I tell you, "at least you are alive/ not aborted. Would that
help?” People SAY yes... but in reality, no. It doesn't help, when in the midst
of unbearable pain that accompanies life sometimes to hear , “At least you
aren't dead…” And I agree that abortion
and adoption are two VERY different topics.” Heather Milburn, Adoptee
“Because it is
usually said to shame someone into compliance or silence. Most of the people in
the pro-life movement who ask for an adoptee’s story seem to try and shut them
down unless what they say promotes adoption. I happen to be pro-life, but every
situation is different and adoption starts with trauma of separation from one's mother. Telling someone
to be grateful they weren't aborted is extremely offensive.” Jenny Mendez, Adoptee
“Because I'd
wager that 50% of the general population adopted or not were probably "at
risk" of being aborted; yet no one thinks it's appropriate to come out and
say that to anyone else other than adoptees .” Lola Kisco, Adoptee
“It's not helpful because it's a moot point. I
wasn't aborted. Am I glad? Well of course I'm glad to be alive. I'm against
abortion, but I still don't get why that question comes up. Adoption and
abortion are two different issues.” Kim Asti, Adoptee
“I'm a mother
but I'd like to add my two cents. My daughter was wanted. I never wanted an
abortion. It was legal (Thank God!). Whenever I see right to lifers (and they are
everywhere) I go up to then and dispel the myth of “adoption not abortion.” I tell them that adoption is the abortion of
the mother. I tell them of my struggles at 54 years of age -- successful and
very happy in many ways, but always devastated by losing my first born. If
there is enough time, I explain adoption coercion. I take every encounter I can
to dispel this myth. And my younger daughter is sick to death of me telling my
story. Sorry, MT, this is my life and story. Hopefully she will never even
think to allow adoption into her life. “ Barbara Monckton Thavis, First Mother
“Yes, I
personally am glad I wasn't aborted.... but what does that have to do with
adoption? I have difficulty making logical sense of that one! Option?
Yes, I guess so for some. But what if we
asked someone that said that to us: "Are you also happy you weren't
aborted?" It doesn't have anything to do with how it feels to be adopted.
The question makes as much sense as asking if we were happy not to be born a
cat! WTHeck?” Tracy Teza, Adoptee
Deanna’s
thoughts:
The bottom line
is that the opposite of adoption is not abortion…it’s parenting.
Why we would limit the destiny of children to two choices, I do not know. But there are many people, Christian included, who believe that only one of two things can happen with an unexpected pregnancy. Is your God so small that you believe only two choices exist?
My God is bigger than two man-made choices.
