Are You Happy You Are Adopted?

I’ve been asked this question many times.

It’s a question that tends to irritate me because 99.% of the time the person asking has an answer in mind that they believe is the only appropriate answer to give. They aren't asking to really know my feelings.

Yes, I really found this in a bookstore. Eeek!

Seldom if ever do I feel a person asking me this really wants to know my answer, or doesn’t already have an expectation of the “correct” answer.

Especially within the Christian community, the majority of people asking the question want it to go like this:

Person questioning me: “Are you happy you are adopted?”

Me: Oh it’s wonderful to be adopted. And of course I’m happy to be adopted. I could have been an abortion, after all.

[Sigh.]

If I give this answer, most folks will be pleased as punch.

Never mind that ANY of us could have been an abortion.  

And, that my natural mother told me the very first night we reunited, “Abortion was never a consideration for me.”

My adoption had absolutely NOTHING to do with abortion.  

 

But I digress…

Here’s the truth many do not want to hear, and usually ends in a reaaallllly triggering discussion for me so I usually say something like, “You know, it’s complicated,” and change the subject. Unless I’m in the mood for a two or three hour exhausting discussion that ends in me going home with a really bad headache. Or praying the questioner would magically turn into a pinata. And who wants that?

Perhaps nothing is more stressful than people asking questions who really don’t seek to understand. They just want you to tell them what they desperately, for some reason, need to hear.

The truth for me is that being adopted is like being different in any sphere of life that you wish were normal but is not.  

 For instance, I believe marriage is for life. I don’t believe divorce is “God's perfect plan.” There are biblical reasons to get divorced -- reasons that make it perfectly acceptable to get divorced due to your circumstances, but it’s certainly not preferable. God’s divine order is that marriage is a covenant for life with your spouse, until death do you part. I don't believe divorce is a "first choice" for anyone. No one grows up saying, "My dream is to be divorced." 

I believe divorce is something that happens in life that hurts really bad. It’s not the unpardonable sin, but it hurts. It hurts everybody involved. It’s never fun. It’s not something you go, “Yippee!!! I love divorce! Bring it on.” God forgives divorce when it happens. God forgives anyone or anything when a person just asks Him to. But there’s no way out of the fact a divorce hurts everybody involved.

Well, for me adoption is the same way. When someone asks me about how I feel about adoption it's like asking me how I feel about divorce. Because in order for me to become adopted, a divorce had to happen -- losing my entire first family, at least for a while.

Asking an adopted kid or grown up adult adoptee, “Are you happy you are adopted?” is kinda like asking them, “Aren't you glad your parents got a divorce?” 

Most kids I know are not happy at all when their parents get divorced.

In fact, my adoptive parents got divorced and it was really hard.

I really love my step mother. My Dad got remarried after the divorce, and his wife is an awesome woman. A Godly woman. She is so good to my Dad, and to all of us. I appreciate her a lot. But am I happy my parents got divorced? No. I will ever be happy about that.  I had to learn to cope with it. Had to go to counseling and get help, to move forward from the divorce.

Adoption has been the same way for me. I also had to learn to cope, go to counseling and get help to move forward. It’s a process.

Does any child or adult say, “Yipppeeeee! My natural family could not keep me!! It was sooooo awesome! I was surrendered for adoption and it was the greatest thing EVER!!”

Nobody that I know, and I mean NOBODY I have ever run across in the adoptee community is thrilled that their natural mother or family was in such condition that they made the decision to relinquish.   

In this area of my life I will never be “normal,” whatever that is. I am an adoptee living in a world where most people are not adopted. I do not have so much as accurate documentation of my birth, critical medical information that may prolong or save my life, nor did I grow up with things like genetic mirroring that is important to identity and development.

But I digress again.

There is help available for those of us in this situation. We have to look hard to find it but it is there. 

 Probably the hardest thing for me when it comes to adoption is coping with people who believe that not only is being adopted nothing traumatic to move forward from, nothing to go to counseling over -- but they truly believe in their heart of hearts that it's nothing but bliss.

And that’s why when asked these questions, I most often tighten my lips like I do before I get ready to say something difficult and simply say, “It’s complicated,” and ask them, “Is that just decaf coffee on the table over there or is there some regular?” and quickly change the subject as soon as I can. 

*Photo Credits: Deanna Doss Shrodes

Top 10 Things for Adoptees to Say When Told They Should Just Be Glad They Weren’t Aborted

My husband says, “Deanna, be careful with sharing this brand of humor with non-adopted people. Your adoptee friends may be the only ones who get it and others wonder what in the world you all find so funny..."

True. Point taken.

Is there a place for insider humor? I think so.  If we don't laugh, we'll cry! In fact, laughing when people say things like this IS my literal response many times. I find laughing helps to stay relatively sane when faced with such insanity.

So I'm sharing this piece, with a warning to nons…you may wanna click “x” in the corner on this post.

Let the adoptee good times roll!  Here we go...

 

Deanna’s Top 10 Comebacks for Adoptees to Say to Someone Who Tells You:  “You just need to be glad you weren’t aborted…”

First give them this... my best, "You've got to be kidding" look...

Then, deliver one of these comebacks without cracking a smile.

1) “Hmmmmm just so you know, there is Stand Your Ground law in Florida…and I think this qualifies…”

2) “Good thing my state has Concealed Carry. But I’m fixin’ to unconceal…”

3) “I’m going to count to 10 and give you a running start before you’re touched by adoption…1...2...3...4...”  

4) “Pat Robertson just called. The “People Who Say the Most Ludicrous Things Ever Award” that he keeps winning year after year is on it’s way to you! Congrats.”    

5) “Evidently you’re a survivor too? Surely you’ve been pistol whipped for saying stuff like this, before. Or, is this your first attempt at hurtful-not-to-mention-inappropriate? If so, kudos to you. You nailed it!”

6) “The other night when I peed it really burned...oh I’m sorry…is this the conversation where we say things to other people that are just...awkward? Cause that’s what it feels right now so I was just playing along…”

7) “Chris Christie called. Wants to know if you’ll join him in two years as his running mate for the presidency. You can partner with him in hurting adoptees."

8) “How have you processed your mom’s decision about aborting you or not? [silent pause for effect] What? I’m surprised you haven’t thought about the fact that your mother had the same option and obviously didn’t take it…not sure why you’ve singled me out…”

9) “So do you think we should attack Syria?” [silent pause for effect] Hey, I’m just following your lead in making ludicrous suggestions.

10) "You should just be glad right now that I know Jesus. Sorry you haven't hung out with Him for a while. I can tell you haven't or you'd never say what you just did."

Why It's Not Helpful To Tell Adoptees To Be Grateful They Weren't Aborted (Part Two)

This post is the second in the , Why It’s Never Helpful to Tell Adoptees to Be Grateful They Weren’t Aborted series.  

 After exploring this subject and bringing some enlightenment to those who had no clue of this fact, I’d now like to move on to bring some of my adoptee and first mother friends to talk about another related issue in response to this question. That is, the fact that adoption and abortion are not the same issue. After they share, I’ll wrap things up.

Deanna: Adoptee friends, why is it not helpful to tell  adoptees to just be grateful they weren't aborted?

“It is no more appropriate to tell an adoptee to be grateful they were not aborted than it would be to tell a non-adoptee that. ALL of our mothers made the same choice to give birth, whether they were married, single, rich, poor, young, old, whatever. Any of them could have aborted but did not. We need not be any more grateful for being alive than anyone else who is breathing. Adoption is not the opposite of abortion, giving birth is. The opposite of adoption is being raised within your own family.” 

 Julie J., Adoptee 

Why It's NOT Helpful to Tell Adoptees to Be Grateful They Weren't Aborted (Part One)

I asked some of my adoptee friends why it’s not helpful when people tell them to be grateful they weren't aborted. Yes, believe it or not, that's really common for adoptees to hear.    Today I’ve taken a sampling of their answers and am addressing just one reason why. Keep in mind, it’s not the only reason – just one that I will be addressing in this series.  

Once I share a few of their comments, I'm going to weigh in...

Deanna: Adoptee friends, why isn’t it helpful when people tell adoptees to be grateful they weren't aborted?

 “To be completely frank and politically incorrect, in the decades it has taken me to gain access to my siblings and birth family as well as deal with the circumstances into which I was relinquished, there have been many times I wished I were aborted. Those days have passed, but it is not lost on me that the quandry into which falsified birth certificates and denial of grief deliver a child, can result in a terrible waste of "life time." As for me, I'm pro "real life."  Clayton Shaw, Adoptee

An Open Letter to the Pro-life Community from a Pro-Life Adoptee

“We need to take a stand for life.”

I agree. I'm pro-life.  

I'm one of you.

And I'm an adoptee. 

So, I say... let’s take a stand for LIFE.

Let's do this thing.

A roadblock to life is that much of the church and the pro-life community is pro BIRTH, not pro LIFE!

We tend to care immensely about making sure children are born, but not so much about them once they’ve arrived.

Do You Have Anything Positive To Say About Adoption?

Actually I do. 

A few months ago I shared Five Amazing Things About Being an Adoptee, just in case you missed it.  When I receive a question like, "Do you have anything positive to say about adoption?" I know the place it comes from.

I want to start by answering this question in one of my favorite ways…a true story.

What Can Happen When You Share Your Story

Sharing your story is healing for you. And, it can serve as the catalyst for other people’s healing. 

As I travel and speak, I share my story even more openly now than I did before. It was a challenge for me to do that at first, because I feared the response. I will say, it has been overwhelmingly amazing. There have been times people ask me a question that is unsettling or even make a cruel comment. But the positive feedback including changed lives makes it all worth it.

I know some may wonder what I would consider unsettling or cruel. Well, to give you an example, I recently shared my story as a message illustration. Afterwards, a woman approached me, wagging her finger at me as she sternly said, “All I have to say in response to your sermon is that you better be glad Plan B didn’t exist when you were conceived, or you’d be dead!” And with that, she spun on her heel and walked away. That was it. No, “thanks for coming to our church,” or “good message…” Just telling me that she somehow knows what my mother, who she does not know, would have done if she were pregnant in 2013 versus 1965. But whatever.  

The Night I Melted Down at the Movies

Two years ago my husband took me on a date to see the movie October Baby. He had no idea the trigger that would result or he would have never made this choice. He doesn't take me on dates to slay me emotionally.

Photo Credit: Sarah_Ackerman, Creative Commons

The movie portrayed a late discovery (young adult) adoptee, Hannah, who found out she was adopted only because of serious medical issues that arose. She had always felt that something was amiss, her journal revealing a young lady feeling out of place and depressed. One day during a theatrical performance, she collapsed on stage, resulting in the family doctor encouraging her parents to tell her the truth of her origin. Her parents always felt it best that she not know about her adoption due to circumstances of her conception and birth. (She was birthed after a botched abortion. Her twin did not survive.)

After disclosure about her adoption she began to search for her original mother while her adoptive father did everything in his power to stop it.  He even forced her (young adult) boyfriend to break up with her because he had assisted her in the quest to go on a trip (without her parents permission - gasp!) to find her original mother. 

Shaking The Adoption Fog Out of Adoptees (A Conversation With Laura Dennis)

Monday I introduced you to my dear friend Laura Dennis in a guest post and today we’ve decided to publish one of our private talks on both our blogs, the subject of which is dealing with adoption fog. 

Photo Credit: ChristamosMissYouMuchMrRickyRIP

On my blog we’re talking about shaking the fog out of adoptees, and on Laura’s blog the conversation continues as we go in the direction of shaking the fog out of non-adoptees. So once you’re done reading here, click on over to Laura’s place and read the rest of the conversation. We hope you find the subject matter as enlightening as we do! 

When Adoptees Want to Die

 I was born in 1966.

Even if it would have been legal, my mother told me the night we reunited that aborting me was never even a thought in her mind.   

This nullifies the notion that was proposed to me on quite a number of occasions: “Just be grateful your mother didn’t abort you.”  Or, “aren’t you so glad your mother chose life?” 

 I was so in the fog that I even used to get up and testify in church, thanking God that my mother chose life.

But, abortion was never even a factor in my adoption. 

So thanking her for letting me live was a moot point. 

Photo Credit: Markoz46, FlickR

This realization was one of the things that accelerated my journey out of the fog.