Adoptees are often chastised that we just need to be thankful or grateful, particularly when we share our feelings or speak out for reform in adoption.
A reader posted this at the Adoptee Restoration Facebook page this week:
In
answering Elizabeth’s question, I want to share with you one of the most
important truths I know.
I don't have to stop being grateful because some people, (sadly even fellow adoptees at times), have chosen to pervert the subjects of thanks and gratitude, utilizing them for something other than their God-given purpose.
It’s
essential to know this truth and many people -- even some Christians do not fully
understand this.
This is at the core of what I believe and why I am able to trust God with my
life.
I know this may come as a shock to you, but...
GOD IS GOOD.
John 10:11 Jesus says…
I am the good shepherd. The good shepherd gives
His life for the sheep.
James 1:17
Every good and perfect gift is from above,
coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like
shifting shadows. James 1:17
He is good
and perfect. And He gives good and perfect things. He does not change.
“You’re adopted? Well, give thanks! We’re all
adopted, anyway, in Christ. Just be grateful you weren’t aborted..."
“Your husband cheated and left you for another
woman? Well, be thankful it happened now and not later on in your life. You still have time to find someone else. Everything
happens for a reason.”
“You’re sick? Just thank God it isn’t worse. So
many people face worse things than you are facing.”
Dismissive statements such as these serve no purpose but to magnify pain.
Who Creates the Trauma?
Photo Credit: A. Futlilini, Flickr |
Who Creates the Trauma?
God gets
blamed for so much he never orchestrated! Sometimes it’s stupidity and
sometimes it’s the devil.
“People
ruin their lives by their own stupidity, so why does God always get
blamed?” Proverbs 19:3
The Bible
says in John 10:10 that Satan comes to steal, kill and destroy but Jesus comes
to give us life and life to the full.
God doesn't cause trauma.
Everywhere scripture talks of a mother and child separation, God refers to it as a tragedy. God never planned for anyone to leave their child, and considers it a tragedy when they do. If he didn’t think it was tragic, it wouldn’t always be accompanied by
the promise of comfort.
He loves us and He is good. So much of
our resting in His love depends on us grasping this truth. How can you rest in
the love of a Savior who you believe responsible for creating the trauma in
your life?
Well the
fact is, He didn’t. Allowing something is different than causing it. He was never a part of creating the separation from your
birth parents, but some people think He plans this trauma from the very beginning.
And I’m here to tell you, God is for you. He loves you. He didn’t cause the
trauma in your life. But He is here to help you through it.
So first
of all, relax in His love.
Know that
He is for you. And He is with you.
And when
you go through trials, He cries with you.
Because God hates it when you hurt.
Because God hates it when you hurt.
To learn
more about the difference between allowing and causing, and free will and how
it affects our lives, I encourage you to read this post I shared a while back.
It concerns how I came to terms with God’s involvement, or lack thereof, in my
adoption.
Photo Credit: luidude, Flickr |
Words Are Important...Even Little Ones!
Now, to
the most important word we’re going to talk about all day. Only a two letter
word but it packs a powerful punch.
“In everything give thanks: for this is the will
of God in Christ Jesus concerning you.”
I Thessalonians 5:18
I love
words.
Words are so powerful.
There’s a
difference between in and for.
Let’s say
I’m in a car wreck and I lose family members. What a tragedy.
I can
continue giving thanks to God as I’m in the midst of that circumstance. But God
does not require me to give thanks for it.
I have
literally been in services where the preacher said, “Did you just wreck your
car? Throw up your hands and praise the Lord!”
[Sigh.]
Seriously,
preachers like that need therapy or to go back to seminary.
I am not thankful
for a car wreck.
I am not
thankful for pain.
I am not
thankful that someone I love has cancer.
I am not
thankful that significant loss comes.
I am not
thankful for complicated grief or complex trauma.
But I can
praise God in the midst of my pain.
I can
bless the Lord at all times, not for the bad times, but in the bad times.
Here's that powerful little word again...
And we know that in all things God works for the
good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.
Romans 8:28
Notice
that Romans 8:28 does say that all things are good.
God does
not expect us to say:
This car
wreck is good.
This death
is good.
This
rejection is good.
This
divorce is good.
This relinquishment
is good.
This abuse
is good.
This
abandonment is good.
This plan
B is good.
He doesn’t
promise that all things we face in life will be good.
He did,
however, promise that He will be with us whether things are good or bad.
John 16:33
I have told you these things, so that in me you
may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have
overcome the world.
He simply
says that all things (whether good or bad) will be worked together for good.
How do we
know God will use our sufferings, to shape us and to make it possible for us to
change the world?
He
promises it. Again and again.
Romans 5:3-4
Not only so, but we also glory in our
sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope.
There’s
that “in” again.
IN is a
huge word! It’s one of the biggest words in the world!
We’re not rejoicing for our sufferings, but in them.
Photo Credit: Dru Bloomfield - At Home in Scottsdale, Flickr |
We’re not rejoicing for our sufferings, but in them.
Our faith is not a stupid faith. It’s not a “no-nothing’s-wrong- everything’s-peachy-trauma-doesn't-exist” kind of faith.
Faith in God is a faith that works.
It’s okay to admit you had a bad day.
It’s okay to admit you had a bad day.
Or a bad
week.
Or a bad
year.
God
doesn’t expect us to check our brain at the door and say everything’s just
lovely when we have faced significant loss.
When Things Are Difficult...
One of my favorite passages is Habakkuk 3.
I love it
because it’s a prayer, one that is actually sung by Habakkuk. And he is talking
about hard times, but remembering God’s goodness in those hard times. The
entire chapter is so valuable, but I’m going to highlight verses 17-19:
Even though the fig trees have no blossoms,
and
there are no grapes on the vines;
even though the olive crop fails,
and
the fields lie empty and barren;
even though the flocks die in the fields,
and
the cattle barns are empty,
18 yet I will rejoice in the Lord!
I will
be joyful in the God of my salvation!
19 The Sovereign Lord is my strength!
Habakkuk 3:17-19
The
prophet is in reality. He is not in the fog. There’s nothing blooming, the crops are dead, the animals
have died…he basically says, “Right now in spite of all I've lost, I
will praise the Lord!”
And so what do I want to encourage you with today?
Stand on these truths...
Photo Credit: Laurent_Imagery |
Stand on these truths...
The truth
that God is good.
The truth
that He didn’t orchestrate sickness or trauma in your life or family.
The truth
that He never has plans to harm you.
The truth
that sometimes bad things happen.
The truth
that these bad things are real.
The truth
that God walks alongside you in your bad things. He cries, He comforts, he
helps bring victory.
The truth
that God does not expect you to ever praise God FOR those things.
The truth
that He gives you power to go on in the midst of challenges!
The truth
is that you can praise God IN the midst of those things.
The truth
is that praising Him often changes the situation, because praising God changes
you.
The truth is
that IN everything, we can give thanks!
An
informed choice says that I am not required to give thanks for the
trauma-related things in my life.
I stand on
the fact that God is good and I can thank Him for the GOOD things He has done,
and praise Him that in the bad things, he helps me through.
I can
choose.
I will
choose to give thanks for what I know is GOOD.
And those
who try to pressure me to be thankful for something traumatic do not have to
be voices I listen to nor act upon. God's voice is louder than their voice, in my life.
I’m
thankful I can choose.