Adoptees: Go Where the Light and Love Are

Adoptees often face proverbial brick walls within their birth or adoptive family. These walls are fortified by misplaced loyalty, secrets, lies, (many of  being lies by omission) and the like.  Many times well-meaning people will take up the cause of those who are committed to live in secrets and lies. Sometimes they are even loyal to the dead, which is the most bizarre of all. 

If you keep secrets, you don’t love.   

If you lie, you don’t love.

If you build a wall with people who have done nothing but seek the truth and are committed to live in truth, that’s not love.

Why don't we go where the light is...where the love is? It' because we may not think we deserve it. That's how I felt until very recently. 

I am determined to a fault. Giving up is not my strong suit. And, for so long I did not want to let go of toxic people just because  I went through hell and back to find them. 

Attention Moms: It's 2016

I’ve been MIA for a while. In addition to working a lot of hours, I have custody of my 16-month old great niece until July 2016. It’s a privilege and a joy – and also brings a change to how much I am able to do things like blog. Or be in the bathroom by myself. But here I am today with some thoughts. First I want to thank those of you who reached out to me during the holidays to say you were thinking of me, and are thankful for what I write here, and about adoption in general. I appreciate that you expressed that more than you know.

Me on my birthday this year. It's how I spend the day, with my great niece.

So, although I could write on and on about the journey of caring for a baby from day to day, let's get to the heart of what I'm going to say that's adoption related.

This story is on Lynn Grubb's blog today. It's the journey of Buck Winslow, an adoptee whose natural mother refused to tell him who his father was, lied about the name, ultimately confessed the name but caused a lot of pain and heartache all around regarding it. In the end, through DNA he finds his paternal family and regarding that reunion it seems things are just wonderful at this time. While in some ways it’s a great story in other ways it’s so sad.

I am disheartened by two things - how common this behavior is among mothers and how many people dismiss a grown woman’s wrong doing. I guarantee there are some people out there reading this article who feel for  Buck's mom.  Many times when a mother behaves this way we hear about how they had no choice, how the times were so different then, how they were mistreated, shunned, etc. While I don’t deny any of that, it’s 2016.  It’s not 1966 anymore.  We know you get triggered and flashbacks, and emotional pain even though it’s not the fifties or sixties or whatever-era anymore. And whatever has happened then or is happening now – it doesn’t excuse your responsibility to tell the truth and to pursue emotional health NOW for yourself and the good of those around you. Take the excellent advice of therapist Karen Caffrey, LPC, JD in her article, Birthmothers and the Responsibility to Heal.

It’s sad that this behavior exists but more maddening to me anyone enables or   sympathizes with it. I already know I'll be more than likely vilified for this in the comment section, but I don't care. It that happens it's only a reflection that it touches a nerve and further proves my point. 

I believe one of the reasons some people dismiss the wrong-doing is because they believe adoption makes up for it. It’s my hunch that many who are not in the adoption constellation don’t see why any of this is important as long as God “worked everything together for good.” Maybe everything hasn’t worked together for good yet. Have you thought of asking the adoptee and prefacing your question with an assurance that you really want to know  their true feelings and will not judge?

So today’s thought from me to you, although it is nothing ground breaking and earth shaking is that I become tired of people excusing wrong behavior and would like moms to realize we are living in a new era and healing is available. There is absolutely no good reason, no acceptable reason, no God-honoring reason why anyone would not know the truth of their origin. And, for the record, the calendar just turned another year and I have yet to know half of mine.

     

Uncovering Adoption History: Love Me With Lies?

 

Nothing can send me over the rails faster than lies.

Most adoptees I have met seem to be allergic to lies. 

Maybe that's because so many of us have been expected to accept them for so long.

Adoption issues are an area where many Christians give lying a pass at times, because they feel the good outweighs the bad. Some Christians I meet believe that if a person's history is complicated or puts another person in a less-than-positive light, lying is understandable.

They don’t call it a lie.

Many times it’s an omission. Otherwise known as "lying by omission."

The definition of lying by omission is: “Otherwise known as exclusionary detailing, is lying by either omitting certain facts or by failing to correct a misconception.”

Why do I single out Christians? 
Because I am one. 

And I know what the Bible says. 

We are supposed to live true, and  stand for truth - not lies. But adoption circumstances seem to be an exception for some or even most. Take for instance, the fact that all amended birth certificates contain lies -- and I'd be hard pressed to find even a few Christians who agree with the statement I just made.

They think it's perfectly normal to have a certificate of birth that says a woman delivered a baby who actually never did. That's the first lie that is on an ABC but there are more, of course. 

Adoptees Deserve the Truth No Matter What

No. Matter. What.

That’s the absolute answer to the question, “Should all adoptees have the truth of their origin, no matter the circumstance?" 

Photo Credit: freedigitalphotos.net

I am still very much in search mode. There is an active search going on with a team of people who are committed to help me search for my natural father. In fact, we are closer to the resolution of this search than ever before and have bona fide leads that are DNA matches.

I am cognizant of the fact that many people believe in some circumstances, it’s best that a person not know the truth. 

Or that when the truth is revealed and the person's father or mother ends up to be a rapist, abuser, criminal -- or even someone related to their other parent. (cases of incest) it's understandable that the truth was not revealed to them.

And I believe that’s bull.

My truth? Your Truth? Or THE truth?

I’ve noticed it’s common in the adoptee community that people will mention they are searching for their truth. They may remark, “Still searching for my truth,” or “So glad I finally found my truth.”

I understand what they mean. I’ve lived it, too. 

I write this post not to bash, simply to make an observation that every time I hear someone say “my truth" a part of me wants to scream: “It’s not just MY truth, it’s THE truth! Period!"

When people fail to give us “our” truth, they refuse to live in THE truth.

The reason they fail to give it is moot. Truth is truth. Lies are lies.

Keeping the facts of someone’s history from them isn’t just something that affects that person, but many people. It affects generations, and the world at large when people refuse to live THE truth.

So when you keep the truth from me, you’re not just lying (even if by omission) about my life but yours as well.   

Doing that makes one a sick person – living in secrecy and lies rather than transparently and in the light.

As far as it depends on me, I choose truth. All truth.

It is a travesty when people choose otherwise.

People who reject the truth in any form affect the entire world in a tragic way.

Not just me.

Not just you.

Everyone.

Photo credit: freedigitalphotos.net