Facing Adoption Rejections Focusing on the Family We Create ~ Part One

A conversation with Laura Dennis (Lost Daughters blogger/columnist, author of Adopted Reality, and my bff.)

Deanna: Laura, as you know one of our adoptee friends is currently experiencing a crushing rejection from her natural family. As we were attempting to console her about what had just happened, you went right to the heart of where I usually go personally when experiencing disappointment with my natural or adoptive family. You told her, "In times like this, I focus on the family I created." Your words immediately resonated with me, because this focus has been so crucial to my own health and well-being.   

Laura: It’s so hard. Anyone who has had the courage to go through with search and reunion has faced rejection, or the possibility of it. Adoption reunions involve so many emotions, so much deep and buried pain; it can be hard to navigate, even when both sides want contact. 

I feel so awful and impotent; our friend is beside herself, just so full of grief.

But I so dislike platitudes. “It will all work out for the best!” 

No, no. It might not. Maybe it will all work out, but maybe it won’t. It might really suck. It might take all your strength to get through. It might take a long time, longer than expected.

Rejection from our natural families can feel like a sucker punch to the gut. It’s like non-adoptees would say, “Don’t take it too seriously; it’s just your birth family!” Bull. It is something, it’s a big thing, and the pain is real, tangible even.

That’s why in those moments of darkest rejection, we have to refocus. Holding my own child? Remembering that it’s my job to bring that person up, to create a loving relationship and strong bond? Those are things that are within my control. (And yes, I do have adoptee control issues.)

Deanna, I know you feel very strongly about this topic. The family you created is what has brought you through some of your darkest times. Can you talk a little bit more about the peace this has provided for you?