Christians: You Can't Have it Both Ways

Recently I read a book entitled, Cross-Cultural Servanthood:Serving the World in Christlike Humility, for  class I am taking as part of my Master’s degree. (It's an excellent book that I would recommend to any Christian leader.) In Chapter 5, I came across a quote that caused me to put my Kindle down, and reflect for a while. 

The author, Duane Elmer says:

Dallas Willard offers a stinging critique of Western culture and institutions: The infant who is not received in love by the mother and others is wounded for life and may even die. It must bond with its mother or someone in order to take on a self and a life. And rejection, no matter how old one is, is a sword thrust to the soul that has literally killed many. Western culture is, largely unbeknown to itself, a culture of rejection. This is one of the irresistible effects of what is called ‘modernity,’ and it deeply affects the concrete forms Christian institutions take in our time. It seeps into our souls and is a deadly enemy to spiritual formation in Christ.”[1]

What frustrates me about this quote is that most Christians and more than likely Dallas Willard himself would agree with this except when it comes to adoptees. To tell people that adoptees experience the same thing Willard speaks of here would more than likely fall not only on deaf but offended ears.

 

It is convenient to use data or illustrations about infants and mothers when we want to talk about the need to help people with spiritual formation. Why can’t people see that adoptees are likewise impacted? If you told most Christians that adoptees may be “wounded for life” or “may even die” (I’m using Willard’s words here about what rejected infants face) they would be dismissed and possibly even mocked. It's okay to believe that infants will go through rejection, loss and pain...UNLESS they are adopted. 

It is always interesting to me about how Christians bring up the importance of the mother/child bond when it suits them, and downplay it when it doesn’t. You can’t have it both ways.   

It does impact an infant for life when they are rejected. Period. It’s time we acknowledge that without giving an exception for adoption.              

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[1] Duane Elmer, Cross-Cultural Servanthood: Serving the World in Christlike Humility (Downers Grove, IL: InterVarsity Press, 2006), 15.

Facing Adoption Rejections Focusing on the Family We Create ~ Part One

A conversation with Laura Dennis (Lost Daughters blogger/columnist, author of Adopted Reality, and my bff.)

Deanna: Laura, as you know one of our adoptee friends is currently experiencing a crushing rejection from her natural family. As we were attempting to console her about what had just happened, you went right to the heart of where I usually go personally when experiencing disappointment with my natural or adoptive family. You told her, "In times like this, I focus on the family I created." Your words immediately resonated with me, because this focus has been so crucial to my own health and well-being.   

Laura: It’s so hard. Anyone who has had the courage to go through with search and reunion has faced rejection, or the possibility of it. Adoption reunions involve so many emotions, so much deep and buried pain; it can be hard to navigate, even when both sides want contact. 

I feel so awful and impotent; our friend is beside herself, just so full of grief.

But I so dislike platitudes. “It will all work out for the best!” 

No, no. It might not. Maybe it will all work out, but maybe it won’t. It might really suck. It might take all your strength to get through. It might take a long time, longer than expected.

Rejection from our natural families can feel like a sucker punch to the gut. It’s like non-adoptees would say, “Don’t take it too seriously; it’s just your birth family!” Bull. It is something, it’s a big thing, and the pain is real, tangible even.

That’s why in those moments of darkest rejection, we have to refocus. Holding my own child? Remembering that it’s my job to bring that person up, to create a loving relationship and strong bond? Those are things that are within my control. (And yes, I do have adoptee control issues.)

Deanna, I know you feel very strongly about this topic. The family you created is what has brought you through some of your darkest times. Can you talk a little bit more about the peace this has provided for you? 

Adoptees In the Waiting Room Guest Post: Laura Dennis

Laura Dennis, Lost Daughters blogger and author of Adopted  Reality,  has become such a dear friend to me. Although we live across the world from one another, we are closely in each other's heart-space. If you don't already know Laura, I can't wait to introduce her to you today in this guest post. She's a prolific writer with a unique voice that motivates scores of adoptees every day, to live our truth. Enjoy these words of wisdom from one who is living the journey. ~Deanna

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If it weren’t for the Lost Daughters blogging community, the paths of Deanna Doss Shrodes and me, Laura Dennis, would never have crossed, let alone intertwined in such a fulfilling friendship. 

You see, Deanna is a Pentecostal preacher in Florida with three nearly grown children. I, on the other hand, am an East Coast bred, former dancer/non-believer living in Serbia (yes, you read that right) with two crazy small children.

The most obvious thing that we have in common is that we’re both adoptees. Yeah, yeah, you adoptees like to gang up on everyone else, wallow in your pain, and accuse the rest of us of ruining your lives. I can see where this post is going.  

But there’s more to it than that. 

We’ve held cyber-hands through some tough emotional situations. We have helped each other face ongoing, complicated post-adoption issues. Show me a simple adoption issue, and I’ll show you a cold day in hot place. That’s another thing Deanna’s taught me: sanctified cussing.