The World is Addicted to Adoptive Parents

 

It has been ten months (310 days from today, to be exact) since I found my bio father Gus, and reunited with him. And in those ten months I’ve learned many things too numerous to list on one blog post. But today, here’s the one I will focus on.

The entire freaking world is obsessed with adoptive parents. 

 Nothing has changed. 

 And before you say, "It’s just the Christian world, not the whole world..." you're wrong. I promise you on a stack of Bibles, it is THE WHOLE WORLD.

My story hit the news media without me even trying. The extent of my “try” was writing Facebook posts about my father and I to my friends (that were set to public) and made their way into the hands of the media. I was fine with that, and actually honored. However, it has not been without frustration.

One of my biggest headaches in this season has been navigating media inquiries regarding my adoptive parents. One hundred percent of the time, when any media outlet has contacted me, they have wanted to go there. Sometimes literally! One media outlet requested to send a crew to interview both my parents. I said no, that I would refuse to do the interview, if they did. They backed down once I set that boundary.

One news outlet said that if they did not include my parents in the story, their readers would, “not be able to handle it.” I pushed back on this and was told that they (the media) would be bombarded with emails and calls asking about my parents. I said, “So???” They said, “Well, you might be bombarded with questions about them, too.” And I said, “And you don’t think I’m used to that?” I set a boundary by saying, “If you need to contact my adoptive parents to do the article, then I’m not your person and my story isn’t the one for you.”

Recently, I was interviewed by Haley Radke on the Adoptees On podcast, and she said that she found the media coverage about my bio father and I refreshing because it was centered on us, and not my adoptive parents. She noted that this is not typically the case. I let her know that this was only because I fought for that, and set a strong boundary.  If the media had their way, it would have been different.

I say all this to let you know…nothing has changed in this regard. Nothing.

They still (even the liberal news media) focus on adoptive parents first, birth parents second, and IF they focus on the adoptee it is third, but many times we are not considered. The world is still very much adoptive parents centric.

I was assured multiple times that a story would be adoptee centric, but in every single case, it was never exclusively so, as they would push to include my adoptive parents in some regard.

Sadly an adoptee can be 56 years old, and they are still asking to “check in” with our parents. And they wonder why we say we feel like perpetual children?

I literally qualify to order off the freaking SENIORS MENU at a restaurant now and people are STILL CHECKING IN WITH MY PARENTS.

How crazy is this?

Fortunately for me, I am not trying to get news coverage. I can take it or leave it. Every person who has contacted me has been out of the blue and I have not sought it. If they want to include my adoptive parents in the piece, I can drop it and they can find someone else.

This just gets tiring. I really thought when I hit a certain age, this would stop. But it appears you can technically be in your senior years and people will insist on talking to Mommy and Daddy.

And nobody but us thinks this is bizarre?

     

Adoptees: Go Where the Light and Love Are

Adoptees often face proverbial brick walls within their birth or adoptive family. These walls are fortified by misplaced loyalty, secrets, lies, (many of  being lies by omission) and the like.  Many times well-meaning people will take up the cause of those who are committed to live in secrets and lies. Sometimes they are even loyal to the dead, which is the most bizarre of all. 

If you keep secrets, you don’t love.   

If you lie, you don’t love.

If you build a wall with people who have done nothing but seek the truth and are committed to live in truth, that’s not love.

Why don't we go where the light is...where the love is? It' because we may not think we deserve it. That's how I felt until very recently. 

I am determined to a fault. Giving up is not my strong suit. And, for so long I did not want to let go of toxic people just because  I went through hell and back to find them. 

Trauma Schwauma!

 

I’ve been reading Strengthening the Soul of Your Leadership by Ruth Haley Barton, and in the book she uses Moses as a case study. She says:

“Even though this was a fairly happy ending and one that contains much evidence of God’s grace, it still made for a convoluted childhood by today’s therapeutic standards! While it is good to be careful not to go too far in imposing contemporary meanings on ancient texts, we might at least acknowledge that Moses’ early childhood experiences were quite traumatic by any standard.”[1] 

I totally agree. And, I believe these type of early childhood experiences are quite traumatic for all adoptees by any standard in any time, ancient or present day . Everyone doesn’t share that opinion of course.

I have had people mock me for saying that there is trauma present in adoption. I have had this experience with family members as well as strangers. Two adoptive parents visited the Adoptee Restoration facebook page a while back and were making fun in the comments, saying, “Trauma Schwauma!!!” and other equally distasteful things.

I have heard it said, “Never mock a pain you haven’t endured.” I believe no one should mock a pain, period. People have to be sick to laugh at someone’s pain whether they agree with them or not. Whether they even like them or not.

On the issue of trauma and adoption, author Mirah Riben shares: 

 “For the adoptee, adoption is a trauma of loss and separation that can result in PTSD.”[2] 

Some people find this laughable. They just can’t wrap their heads around the fact that you can have PTSD from being adopted.  

I do believe adoptees can move forward. (I have. I am not a believer in “getting over” but I am a strong believer in “moving forward.”) Part of moving forward is to actually be able to acknowledge and grieve a loss.  You can't move forward without defining reality and dealing with it.

I can’t understand why so many people have a hard time recognizing that adoptees have a loss to grieve. Until that is validated it is very hard to move forward. I am blessed that while I have had some people scoff at my beliefs on this, I’ve found so many more (especially in the adoptee community) who affirm and encourage.   

Many adoptive parents will scratch their heads and wonder why and how in the world their kid went off the rails. Maybe they haven’t yet. But I’d bet my bottom dollar they will at some point. And maybe, just maybe, Trauma Schwauma has something to do with it.

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[1] Ruth Haley Barton, Strengthening the Soul of Your Leadership: Seeking God in the Crucible of Ministry (Downers Grove, IL: InterVarsity Press, 2012), 35.

[2] Mirah Riben, “Adoption-Related Trauma and Moral Injury,” Huffpost, June 27, 2016.

When Adoptive Family Members Say They Support Your Search But Really Don't

Decades ago, I made it known that I was searching for my natural family. At the time, all of my adoptive  family with whom I had a conversation about it  said they were supportive.  In some cases, that was true. In others, it was not.

I heard: "I support you all the way" or "I support you 100%."

Regarding my search, they did appear to support me. As time went on, I realized that as long as I was searching for strangers who I would one day refer to as acquaintances, or friends – all was fine. But the moment I actually called them family, the support stopped. One adoptive family member in particular reiterated whether passive aggressively or outright, their "exclusive" position in my life. 

I’ve discovered, some are alright with you searching, as long as you don’t find family. As long as you don't find someone who is a mother,  father, sister or brother…it’s okay. As long as your natural family referred to by their first names,  all is well. But as soon as you start referring to these folks as your family, as mom or dad -- or Lord forbid you start inviting them to your significant family events (birthdays, etc.) or sharing holidays -- look the heck out! Even Chuck Norris would be afraid.

Attention Adoptive Parents: This is How It's Done

One of the goals of my blog is to expand the Christian understanding of adoption. This includes helping adoptive parents gain understanding of what their son/daughter may be feeling and experiencing.

With transparency being my foremost writing style, I quickly realized the level of honesty in my posts was too much to handle at times for many adoptive parents and some people in general. Others say reading my posts has “saved them” whether it be from making a mistake to losing their mind. While I certainly don’t consider myself a savior of any sort, I am grateful my words have been a blessing to a number of people.

With that said, I want to highlight an adoptive parent today who everyone could something learn from. That person is my father ~ Leon Doss. 

Dad and Me, April 1967

My Dad and I haven’t always seen eye to eye on everything. 
Many days we've gone head to head. 
Or toe to toe. (Enough cliches already?)

We've really had our share of ups and downs. (There's one more for  ya!)

Facing Adoption Rejections Focusing on the Family We Create ~ Part One

A conversation with Laura Dennis (Lost Daughters blogger/columnist, author of Adopted Reality, and my bff.)

Deanna: Laura, as you know one of our adoptee friends is currently experiencing a crushing rejection from her natural family. As we were attempting to console her about what had just happened, you went right to the heart of where I usually go personally when experiencing disappointment with my natural or adoptive family. You told her, "In times like this, I focus on the family I created." Your words immediately resonated with me, because this focus has been so crucial to my own health and well-being.   

Laura: It’s so hard. Anyone who has had the courage to go through with search and reunion has faced rejection, or the possibility of it. Adoption reunions involve so many emotions, so much deep and buried pain; it can be hard to navigate, even when both sides want contact. 

I feel so awful and impotent; our friend is beside herself, just so full of grief.

But I so dislike platitudes. “It will all work out for the best!” 

No, no. It might not. Maybe it will all work out, but maybe it won’t. It might really suck. It might take all your strength to get through. It might take a long time, longer than expected.

Rejection from our natural families can feel like a sucker punch to the gut. It’s like non-adoptees would say, “Don’t take it too seriously; it’s just your birth family!” Bull. It is something, it’s a big thing, and the pain is real, tangible even.

That’s why in those moments of darkest rejection, we have to refocus. Holding my own child? Remembering that it’s my job to bring that person up, to create a loving relationship and strong bond? Those are things that are within my control. (And yes, I do have adoptee control issues.)

Deanna, I know you feel very strongly about this topic. The family you created is what has brought you through some of your darkest times. Can you talk a little bit more about the peace this has provided for you?