It's heeeeeeeeeere!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Worthy To Be Found - Releases Today!

Entourage Publishing releases Worthy To Be Found, today!! And it wouldn't exist without YOU, my faithful readers. I never take a reader for granted. Bloggers get readers one by one. We earn them. There are no shortcuts. 

I count every reader a friend. There are a plethora of things out there you could be reading and your time and attention is limited. The fact that you read here at all is never, ever lost on me. So, thank you so much.

To get your copy of Worthy to Be Found on Kindle, click here.

To get your copy of Worthy to Be Found in paperback, click here.

To celebrate with me now, just lift your hands and give a shout up in this place, somebody!!!!!!

If you read the story when it published here on the blog, just know there has been a lot of expansion in the book version. There are tons of surprises awaiting for those who have already experienced the story. All that you love is still there, with much more to love.

I'd also be honored if you would leave a review. There are already some there and I'd be tickled pink to see yours there as well. 

The book exists because of the relentless call of the readers of this blog to make it such, as well as the prodding of my dear friend, Laura Dennis. I am grateful for all of you and love you dearly. 

No, I Will Not Pretty-Up the Details. Why I Don't Agree With Positive Adoption Language (PAL)

The world relentlessly attempts to squeeze us into their mold of prettying up the details.

Proponents of what is known as “Positive Adoption Language” implore us to say, “made an adoption plan” instead of “relinquished” or “surrendered” or the dreaded, “given up.”

Stop putting your spin on it, please.

I was relinquished.
I was surrendered.
I was given up. 

Until I fully faced that reality, I could not move forward.

These same proponents of PAL want me to say I “made contact with” my “biological” mother instead of saying I reunited with my natural mother. What a crock. Made contact? What do you call nine months of living inside someone's body? 

My mother and I already shared nine months together.  I reunited with her, this person I had already lived with for nine months. As far as being natural, that’s exactly who she was – my natural mother. (I say was because she is now deceased.) 

It is natural to conceive, and deliver a baby. That’s something God has naturally created human beings to be able to do although I do realize some people struggle with the trauma of infertility. And that makes me sad for them. Bottom line though is, I was conceived and birthed through natural means. Spin that any way that you want, but the truth is --I was born to this woman, and she was my mother.

And by the way, it’s the most natural thing to keep your kids, not to surrender them being that only 2% of children are relinquished. Do you like how I used surrendered and relinquished in the same sentence? This might cause the PAL proponents to need a  valium.   

I'd say conceiving, carrying, and delivering your child is about as natural as it gets. 

You PAL folks want me to say I “was” adopted, not that I “am” adopted. Are you on crack? Seriously. My natural family doesn’t go away because a few papers are signed. These are real people. 

The institution of adoption creates new ways of relating and doing things by it’s very nature. Every time I go to the doctor’s office and fill out papers, which is a few times a year – I get a reminder that, guess what…I’m adopted! I have to write it on medical papers several times a year. That adoption affects my life in profound ways even to this very minute.

Please, stop trying to change my history just to make life more comfortable for you.   

“Deanna, why do you have to talk about the pain? When you wrote your personal story, was it necessary to share all the nitty gritty of how the losses affected you through the years? Was all the talk about perpetual trauma and sharing exactly what happened in all it’s rawness really necessary?”

Those who walk in truth and not other people’s air-brushed versions they so crave to make it look like their choices were of no consequence, will always get challenged.

No, I can’t pretty it up.

I can move forward. In fact, I have made much progress!
But that wasn’t possible until I first faced it, in all it’s ugliness.
Moving forward isn't possible until you first deal with reality.

A white-washed story told through rose colored glasses is not essential in creating a beautiful ending.  Guess what… I’m in charge of the ending. Finally, I’m in control of something in this story. Because I’m an adult now and my thankfully, I get to make my own choices and don’t have to just ride the waves of the choices others dished out. It’s my turn now. My choices combined with God’s supernatural power in my life work together to create an amazing ending to a woefully painful beginning.

But pretty-up what I lived through, so others who made choices that affected me don’t feel quite so bad?

No, not gonna do that.

That would be like putting a positive spin on the Holocaust. 
And not only would that be impossible but utterly inappropriate.

Thankfully we adoptees do not have to check our brains at the door, or our feelings. 

We are the grown ups now. 
Welcome to our world.

Adoptee Memoirs—It’s a Genre, Not a Menace Part 2

Today, I'm teaming up with my bestie, Laura Dennis, to talk about why we need MORE adoptee memoirs.  And before you read below, know that this post is Part 2 of this tag-team effort. So, if you haven't read the post at Laura's blog first, pleeeaaaassse click over there to read part one.  Then come back here for the conclusion. Thanks so much for joining our conversation today.

Laura Dennis

Laura—I think you’ve touched on an important point here. Maybe the people who complain about too many adoptee memoirs are something in addition to—or perhaps distinct from, jealousy.

Could it be a fear of truth, of truth-telling?

Could it be a jealousy that their own story holds too many secrets, too much pain, to ever be told publicly with complete openness?

So many times I find that people’s misguided (or just plain nasty) comments stem from something happening in their own lives. That is to say, it really has nothing to do with the person to whom they direct their comment. Instead of being happy for someone who has summoned the courage to stand in their truth, they feel left out—because they feel they could never share their own story; it’s simply off-limits, or there’s too much at stake.

That trade-off that you mentioned, Deanna, is HUGE. It was something I really had to come to terms with in telling my story, as well. I had to make sure that I told my story, my secrets—not someone else’s. I had to look deep down to ensure I wasn’t writing from a place of bitterness. It’s easy to fill a memoir of bad-mouthing; it’s much harder to present the multiple sides of a situation.

I know how hard you’ve struggled with this, Deanna … How much of your story is yours to share? Who are you going to hurt? How can that be possibly avoided? Where does truth-telling fall on the spectrum of owning your story versus gossiping or taking it too far? How did you come to terms with this?

And, is this why some balk at adoptee memoirs? The notion of airing dirty laundry?

Deanna—There is no such thing as too many memoirs, adoptee or otherwise. I believe some people balk at adoptee memoirs or others, for a plethora of reasons. But, the bottom line is—it rests upon the balkers to do the changing, not the writers. 

I encourage anyone who feels led to write a memoir to do so. 

Does it take tremendous courage? Oh yes. 

As you know, although I had contributed to or written other books, I didn't set out to write a book connected to adoption. In fact, I feared it. Then, when I was in the throes of a painful season, I decided to share my story on the blog, mostly for catharsis. I was too broken at the time to even think about publishing a book. But I did pour the story of my life as adoptee out in a 14-part blog series. Later on, it developed into more than I ever imagined. (Worthy to Be Found will be released by Entourage Publishers in December 2015.) 

Writing my story on the blog was frightening, then freeing. My fingers were shaking as I pressed publish on many posts. And I've found the ones that create the most angst within us are the things that the world really needs to hear.

Regarding jealousy, it’s a character flaw. It's a sin. It’s so serious it sometimes leads to death.

Look at most murder cases and you will find that they were motivated by a jealous heart. Proverbs 27:4 says, "Wrath is fierce and anger is a flood. But who can stand before jealousy?" In fact, you will see in scripture that jealousy was the motive for the first murder, in Genesis 4. The story of Rachel and Leah in Genesis 30 shows us some specific things that women deal with. These two sisters were dealing with low self-worth and lack of security, as well as intense envy. Rachel declared, "With mighty wrestlings, I have wrestled with my sister."   

I don’t think many or most are going to lash out at an adoptee memoir writer by murdering them, BUT we’d all do well to check our ‘jealousy meter’  and ask ourselves: “Am I criticizing another adoptee’s memoir because  of jealousy in my heart?  Am I speaking against others writing memoirs because I am jealous that they are gaining attention, or—as you mentioned—because  they have mounted the courage to express what I have been unable to in my life but secretly wish I could?

As for feeling left out— it’s a choice to be left out when it comes to publishing. Never have there been greater opportunities for sharing one’s story. The field is wide open for anyone who wants to share—who mounts the courage to share.  Anyone can get online and start a blog account or self-publish their story. If someone chooses not to do that, it’s their choice. They weren’t “left out” – they simply chose not to for their own personal reasons. Don’t rail at others for something you don’t yet have the inclination or bravery to do.

“Well, some are hurting, not healed yet…aren’t at that point…” 

 It’s like Hemingway once said: “There is nothing to writing. All you do is sit down at a typewriter and bleed.”

If you want to write, you’ll write.

Some do balk at it from the dirt laundry standpoint. I’ve heard that as well, and truth be told, it’s yet another sin (yes, this preacher still believes in sin) called PRIDE. Most of what people call discretion, is just bad ol’ fashioned PRIDE.  And if you’re dealing with pride, it’s not other people’s problem, it’s yours.  

As far as how I came to terms with sharing my own adoptee memoir, and receiving the dirty laundry accusation, I simply go to the root of the issue of -- is it true? That's my litmus test, plain and simple. When someone in my family confronted me about publishing my story on the blog, I responded by asking them,"Is what I shared true?" They admitted it was all true.

I am careful as far as it depends on me to publish nothing that is not factual.  I'd gladly correct it or apologize if it ever came to my attention that I said something untrue. Each time someone has pointed out their displeasure with something I've written, I've asked, "Is anything untrue that I've written?" The response was, "No, nothing is untrue, I'm just uncomfortable with it."

Well, sometimes the truth is uncomfortable.

I love the Anne Lamott quote: "You own everything that happened to you. Tell your stories. If people wanted you to write warmly about them, they should have behaved better."

Regarding publishing my adoptee story, a family member reacted with: "Well, I wouldn't write that if it were me."

My reply: "Well, that's good. Because you're not me. You're you."

I agree we do have to take care that we are not writing out of bitterness.  (There's another sin! I'm on a  roll...lol.) And we must take care that we are sharing our own story, not someone else's. Amanda pointed out to me a while back that sometimes our stories overlap with other people's, so that's hard to avoid at times. But the goal is to stick to our own story as much as possible. I try to do my best to share things essential to how I am/was affected.  Overlap can't be helped at times. 

But generally, whenever we’re criticizing something, we’d do well to examine our own hearts to ask why we’re reacting the way we are. And you are correct, it’s always about what’s up with us when we feel that way, never about the person who wrote whatever it is they wrote.

I know, I know, I’m being reallllly preachy in this post. Well, deal with it. I’m a preacher. 

Laura—Preach on, preacher!

I think that notion of dirty laundry is left over from a previous generation. Today we have celebrity tell-alls and 24/7 reality TV. Young women who find themselves pregnant continue in their high schools; they aren’t sent away to hide.

Times have changed.

I predict that the trend of adoptees writing their memoirs is just getting started… and that’s a good thing.

Why Hasn't Deanna Been Blogging?

Several people have messaged me to ask if I’m okay, since I’ve been so quiet in this space lately. I apologize for very little blogging and scarcely posting on the Adoptee Restoration Facebook page lately. The last thing I wanted to do was cause concern that I wasn’t okay.  (I'm sorry!) I am finally catching my breath for just a moment today to explain. Lately I have not had time to shave both legs in one day.

I’m more than okay! I’m thriving.

I have a new job!

Yes, I know. Complete shock! I’ve been a pastor for 27 years. And, Larry and I are still at Celebration Church Tampa as lead pastor…however – my role has changed.

After going through a very long process the last few months,  I went through a vetting process that was more intense than what Obama went through, I have been appointed the women’s director for our state. I am now the Women’s Ministries Director for the Pen-Florida District of the Assemblies of God.   

This is an amazing door the Lord has opened up for me.  It’s a real honor to serve thousands of women and teen girls, our state and our denomination. This position opens up countless opportunities for me to make a major impact in hearts and lives and I am humbled, and overwhelmed at the goodness of God.

Although Larry and I are still at Celebration Church Tampa, I will be working full time for PFDC (Pen-Florida District Council). My office is now there in Lakeland, Florida which is about 45 minutes from our house. For the first time in 27 years, I will not be working from an office right down the hall from my husband, or working side-by-side with him  in our daily ministry. I will still preach and teach and be involved at Celebration Church as I am able, and be known to them as Pastor Deanna, however my day-to-day pastoral role has changed as my full time job is now with PFDC.   My new job is very demanding and involves a lot of travel as well. 

So what does all this mean for Adoptee Restoration?

I’ve explained to our church what it means for them, so I’m going to now explain what it means for AR.

 I am still making the transition here and as such have been managing my full time job at the church, my part time coaching job, and going through the process for my new job going all at once. That is why I’ve been scarce here.

Last week when my appointment was final, I resigned my part time coaching job. Larry and I also began to make the transitions with my role at our church and explained that I would now be working FT for PFDC.      

My new job is going to require an enormous amount of energy especially leading up to October which is our main conference. I know I need an entire “life tweak” as it were, to be effective in my new position, HOWEVER…that doesn’t mean I can’t still do the things I enjoyed doing before taking on this role – I just need to make some adjustments. I’m still finding my way.

Here’s my plan going forward.

Blogging

My pattern previous was to blog here three times a week. I can’t keep up with that right now, and do it well. I mean I could post a bunch of drivel, just to post something here but who wants that?  In order to post something that is of the level of quality of what those who read here really appreciate, I believe at this time I can handle posting here once a week.  I am not sure what day yet, as I am still finding my way.  Thanks for your patience as I figure out the best schedule.

My Book

YES! My story is still coming out as a book, in fact it will be two books in rapid succession. “My Story” will be released hopefully by the end of this year, if not then very early 2015. And very quickly on the heels of that will be the “what I’ve learned since then” book. Count on it! I have finished the first round of edits and am now preparing the second round to send to the publisher.  I will give updates here about the book and also exclusive ones through the AR Newsletter. (Subscribe by going to the box on the sidebar to the right, under my photo at the top.)

Adoptee Restoration Tampa Bay

Most of you know I lead a support group for adoptees here in the Tampa Bay area, that meets once a month. That support group will continue.  

  

What God Has Done

I want to share in a post upcoming all the ways that God has helped me since February of 2013 when I had the falling out with my first mom, and since last August 2013 when she died. Most of you know my story and are already aware of how broken I was over what took place. Although my faith was still strong, my life was shaken in a way that is really indescribable even for a wordsmith. 

After the February and August happenings, I made a decision to pursue forgiveness. It is a daily commitment, not a one time deal. Reminders pop up all the time (fresh triggers) of what took place and I have to make a daily decision to forgive and move forward. And, I got a help to do that too…from Jesus, from counseling and from this community. 

 

In August when she died, and I was in the throes of grief deeper than I have ever experienced, I asked God for two things. 

1) Revenge on the enemy. (To be clear, “the enemy” to me is Satan, not a person.) He's the one "person" I can legitimately hate and believe me, I hate him. He's such a liar with no other motivation than destroying lives. I asked God for serious damage to his kingdom.

2) An unprecedented harvest. A ridiculous this-has-to-be-God-because-it’s-so-much-bigger-than-you type thing. I wanted something to happen that would open up my life to make a greater impact on people, for the Kingdom of God.

God has answered my request!!

I am flourishing!

The enemy's kingdom is being damaged!

It’s harvest time!

Thank you for your patience and grace as I navigate these new waters. I know it’s not just a good thing, it’s a God-thing.

More than ever, I stand on what I have preached time and again in person and also here on this blog, to you. The story doesn’t end with what OTHER people do. They may try to control our lives, or the story but they don't have the last word!! My story has the power to end differently because of what I decide to do.  I can change my story’s ending by carefully selecting my response to what happens to me.

Respond rightly and watch the hand of God move!!!

Sometimes people do things that aren’t right, but as we do what is right, God blesses what’s left!

In scripture, Joseph (of the Old Testament) had family members that tried to harm him. They actually threw him in a pit and left him to die. Yet He did what was right and lived true. And God blessed him beyond his wildest dreams.

Of this situation that he faced, when the story ended and he was walking in victory he said to them: 

“You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives.” Genesis 50:20

When I get to heaven, I want to sit down with Joseph and have a cup of coffee! The dude and I can seriously swap stories.   

Last August I was in so much pain, I never thought it would subside.

Today, I’m walking in victory, with God taking control of the pen and writing a greater ending to the story than I ever envisioned for myself.  Believe me, I had no idea the journey was going to go this direction for me.  If you would have told me just a few months ago that I would have this job, I would have said, "you're crazy!" God has a greater purpose and plan for us than we have for ourselves.

People won’t always do right, but as we give God control and allow Him to move in our lives as He wants to, He will work things for our good.

I appreciate your grace as I navigate this new journey.

I love you all.