May 10, 2013

Mother's Day Weekend and What It Means for Adoptees and First Mothers

It's Mother's Day weekend and for adoptees and first mothers, this often presents different variables than it does for the rest of the population. 

Photo Credit: Tara Haire, Creative Commons
All week, I've experienced friends in both groups "checking in" with one another to ask how each other is doing so far. What is a happy, joyful occasion for most of the world is a time for many adoptees and first moms to "hold one another up". 

People who are not adopted or first mothers are generally clueless that any of this is going on. So allow me to inform you...this holiday stirs up many feelings in many adoptees and first moms who are in an emotional tug of war. 
Adoptees and Mothers Day

Many of us adoptees have kids of our own and we are reveling in the joy of being a mom and enjoying the weekend with our children. And yet...

Some are wondering who their mother is.

Some have approached their mother, and been turned away.

Some have a strained relationship with their adoptive mother because they are in reunion with their first mother.

Some feel a constant tug of war between the two mothers.

Some are afraid to share what they really think with either mother. 

Some have never been able to "be themselves" with their moms because they've always felt pressure to play the part in the invisible script they were given. (To speak one's feelings is often seen as disloyalty.)

Some are mourning the losses of what they have experienced regarding one or in some cases, both mothers.

Some are afraid to call their mother.

Others wish they knew who their mother is so they could call.

Some agonized over selecting an appropriate gift for their mother.

Others wish they knew who their mother is so they could give a gift.

Many are dealing with the pain of post adoption issues in general and Mother's Day  just serves as a trigger to stir it all up to a greater intensity.

First Mothers and Mother's Day

Then there are the first mothers who are mourning the loss of their child, to adoption. 

A loss they were promised to get over as time went on. 
But they never did.

It hurts all the time. 

The searing pain never goes away, but particularly on their child's birthday and times like Mother's Day, they ache even more. 

Sometimes they don't think they can live like this one more day. 

I am praying this weekend, for first moms who are in pain.

What do I feel about Mother's Day?
Photo Credit: John Pevelka, Flickr

I wish things were different.

But I'm committed to do more than wishing.
Because wishing is never going to create a change.

We have to move beyond wishing to doing.

I want to be the change I want to see in the world.

I'm a voice for reform and I won't give up.

For the children yet to come, and the women who are making decisions about those children, I will not give up.

I want a different kind of Mother's Day in the future, for ALL women and for children, and for nobody to have to check in with anybody to "hold them up" on this occasion.