Adoption and Coming to a Place of Peace

“The odds are that everyone sitting in this classroom today will not make it through this course. Some of you will drop out because it will become  uncomfortable to deal with the issues that will be brought up in this class.” 

This was said by my professor this past semester in a Christian counseling course I took as part of my bridge work toward my doctorate.

The professor was right. I recall three people who dropped out mid-way through the course. And among those who didn’t, it became emotional at times. I cried during two of the lectures and I remember glancing over at my colleague who is another minister about my age – a big strong man. There he sat at his desk with his head in his hands, handkerchief up to his eyes, weeping.

What was going on? A considerable amount of processing our past.  

I Can't Help But Wonder Why

I said I was going to blog every day during NAAM, and although it was my goal, I’ve failed to meet it.  My son gets married tomorrow and I’ve been in a master’s class all week that has taken me on a journey to deep levels thinking about the past, present and future. I feel like I’ve been wrung out, but that’s not a bad thing. It's kind of like when you exercise and are all sweaty afterwards. You're a mess, but it was needed.

So what I want to say today is, I have more questions than answers. It’s funny how life is that way. I woke up this morning doing what I normally do…praying while I lay there with my eyes closed for a while before I actually get up. Usually my prayers center around whatever is rolling around in my head.

This morning the first thought in my mind as I awoke was, “Why are people born into such pain? Why are they born straight into rejection, abandonment, hunger, thirst and poverty? Why is there so much suffering in the world?” I am weeks away from a masters in ministerial leadership and it won’t be too terribly long before I have a doctorate. I should know the answers to these questions by now. I’m 52. And I’ve been a student for a long time in the school of life. But at this point I have more questions than I do answers. The more I learn the more I realize I have yet to learn. I know that God is with us through all of what goes on in the world. I just don’t know WHY.  Some people say, “You’re not supposed to know why!” But why gnaws at me. Not only about myself but about the whole human race.

This past week for my masters class we had to write a paper chronicling our spiritual journey before we arrived at our live session. The professor said she was overwhelmed reading our stories, of where we have come from and the things we, the students, have walked through. Then she proceeded to tell us her story. She asked us to brace ourselves because it would be difficult to hear what followed. It was a story of her abduction and assault, and nearly dying because of what she faced at the hands of her captor. And then, the story of her healing journey and triumph over what almost destroyed her.  I sat there in my seat with my hand covering my mouth, trying to process the horror of what she went through. 

I know who to turn to in pain, many times I just don’t understand the reason for the pain in the first place. Some say you should never ask why, but I believe there has to be a meaning.

Lately the Lord has been giving me a few (just a glimpse) of some answers as to the why of my story. I look at the chain of events and realize, had I not been in certain places, I wouldn’t have experienced various things that are key to who I have become. However, I still don’t have the answer to world hunger, or many things about my own life.

I wonder if years from now, I might know my natural father or his family (who are also my family) and show them pictures of our son’s wedding that is happening tomorrow. I wonder why I didn’t find my Greek family in time. These are just the things I think of at times, the things that keep me up at night, or are floating through my mind as the sun comes up. 

  

Don't Waste Your Pain

“More than happiness or joy or lower blood pressure, the practice of God’s presence gives us meaning. Through this practice we become more closely aligned with Jesus and we learn His desire for us more completely. Life can be hard. The Practice of The Presence of God makes it easier. As Brother Lawrence said, “There is not in the world a kind of life more sweet and delightful than that of a continual conversation with God.”

― David Paul Kirkpatrick, Breakfast in the Temple

Yesterday I sat in class and the professor asked about how we experience prayer as far as it being a constant in our lives. After the question was asked, I zoned out thinking to myself about it and didn’t answer out loud. I stared out at the water and thought about it for a while.

I can’t really explain how or why but for me a continual conversation has gone on between God and me as long as I can remember.  It's like breathing to me. From day one of my recollection we have talked. All day long. I don't say that to sound spiritual. There's plenty of spiritual things I struggle with. Take fasting for instance.

When people ask how I get through things, adoption-related or not, that’s really it. It's the presence of God.  Life is hard. There is no one else – no other human being, with me 24/7. Only God. He is the person I not only bounce everything off of, but look to for meaning and answers. Many times my daily conversation with Him goes something like this…

Me: WHAT THE HECK???????????!!!!!

God:   

A lot of times He has quietly waited until I’m ready to hear something.

Every day for me is an exercise in trying to find meaning in the painful places, and a way to use my story to in some way help others.

Yesterday as I was staring out the windows at the beautiful waters of Cedar Key, my professor, Dr. Chris Corbett said the following: 

“Many times we have a deep-seated belief that our relationship with God is just about God and us. But it’s always for the sake of others.” 

I believe that.

There is no speck of this story that will be wasted.

     

Beauty, Pain, Wholeness and NAAM: All of These Things Are Not Like the Other

I’m going to do something crazy.

I’m going to try to write something every day in the month of November for NAAM. (National Adoption Awareness Month). Pick yourself up off the floor.

I need to do this right now like I need a hole in the head. I’m a little over a month away from graduating with my masters degree in leadership, my oldest son is getting married in 10 days, and I have a full time job and my house is a mess, and, and, and……

But my newsfeed on every social media site has already been flooded with NAAM posts from the people who aren’t experts. (People who aren’t adoptees.) And it grates on me more this year than it has in a while. I guess it's because I still haven’t solved my paternal search and I just want to scream, “Shut up, people!” Stop talking about beauty until all people know who and where they came from. Seriously, I’m tired of hearing about beauty.  Until I’m not poring over DNA results from four sites with tears streaming down my face at 2 am in the freaking morning hoping for a different result than I have been getting for four years…just save all your talk about beauty for somebody else that isn’t in the grip of the closed adoption system. The grasp it has on you is suffocating at times. I do believe there is wholeness even in the destruction that is closed adoption. For me it has been my faith that has made it possible. And, it's an ongoing journey. Just when you think you're alright, somebody hands you a clipboard at a doctors office to fill out several pages of forms you can't give any information on. And you feel like throwing it against the wall and walking out. And you wonder if you will die one day never knowing any of that information. Or more importantly, whether you  will die BECAUSE you didn't have the information you should have had to write on the paper, that could have saved your life if only you knew your family history.

Right now in my studies we are reading a few books that really blow the door wide open on my thoughts about all this. One book is Strengthening the Soul of Your Leadership by Ruth Haley Barton. Her subject is Moses and she talks all about his adoption and the ramifications it has on his psyche and his leadership. I had to write a five page paper on this for an upcoming class that starts Monday and my only issue was limiting my thoughts to five pages.

Here’s an excerpt from the book:

“The soul of leadership begins with who we are – really. Not who we think we are, not who we would like to be, not who others believe us to be. God’s call includes (yet is not limited to) the particularities of our life, our heritage, our personality, our foibles, our passions and deepest orientation, and even our current life situation.”[1] 

When I read this, tears ran down my face. God’s call includes the particularities of our life and our heritage.   

What are the ramifications of this for the adoptee in a closed adoption system?

   

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[1] Ruth Haley Barton, Strengthening the Soul of Your Leadership: Seeking God in the Crucible of Ministry (Downers Grove, IL: InterVarsity Press, 2012), 74.