Sometimes
my adoptee friends share their pain with me and I tell them something in an
effort to help and they say, “Wow. That’s profound. How did you
come to understand that?” And I say, “Well, honestly, I can’t take credit for coming up with that. I became aware of it when my therapist shared it
with me.” Some have responded, “Your therapist
sounds amazzzzing. If I lived in Tampa, I’d go to her!”
Well, it’s not a possibility
if you don’t live here but I did ask if she’d be willing to share as a part of
my “Ask the Therapist” series on the blog and she was delighted to help.
Some
of you might be surprised that I’ve just admitted I have a therapist and am telling you
who she is.
No
secrets, friends. That’s how I live.
Her
official bio is at the conclusion of this interview, but for now I will just
say, thank you, Melissa Richards of Restoration Counseling Center, for all that you've done to help me in my journey of restoration.
Deanna:
Melissa, I can’t fully describe to you how special it is for me to have your input here on
the blog. The help you have given me and continue to give is invaluable. Having you share with my readers is a huge honor. Many adoptees I meet are
frustrated that their pain is dismissed or there is an attempt to invalidate it
by the people in their lives. This really hurts even more when it’s a family
member or close friend. In your professional opinion, are we banging our heads
against the wall, and even causing ourselves more trauma, by trying to get them
to understand? Are we better off to stick with talking to a therapist and
running to our adoptee friends for solace or should we keep trying to get our
family and close friends on board with our journey of moving forward? (I know
that’s a loaded, compound question!)
Melissa:
[Laughing] I’m glad you acknowledged the
complicated nature of this question! While I'd really like to give you a simple, concrete answer, it truly differs for each person. What I can say with certainty is that it is ALWAYS important to have people who DO understand. If you do not have those people in your life, speaking with a therapist and/or other adoptees is a good idea. we all need validation, and lack of it always brings pain. It is important to find acknowledgement in multiple, safe, supportive places.
Many
people simply lack education about the pain and loss an adoptee experiences. Because adoption is portrayed as such a
joyful experience for all, the lifelong grieving process that adoptees continue
engaging on varying levels is often overlooked.
For those who are willing listeners and eager learners, education is a simple
solution. But many have other
unacknowledged reasons for rejecting the adoptee’s pain (for example,
unresolved personal pain, cultural indoctrination, religious ideologies). For the latter, it may be important to accept
their limitations and seek support elsewhere.
It
is very important that you validate your own experience as an adoptee. Until you do, there will exist a vacuum in
which you are looking for someone to fill.
Once we allow ourselves permission to feel our pain, the
misunderstandings of others, although still painful, are less impactful. If it
will burden you not to speak, then say what you must in a productive and
respectful manner. If a misconception or
diminutive comment costs you little, it may be fine to let it pass. Each person must pay attention to their own
internal and external cues to determine the cost of speaking or silence. Each
person ultimately has to decide for themselves when it becomes unproductive or
harmful to continue looking for validation from a particular source.
Deanna:
In my experience, and observing what others go through, people view emotional
pain entirely different from physical pain. If I had a broken leg, for
instance, people would very readily accept my need to make adjustments.
Emotional pain -- not so much. There appears to be a lack of respect for those
who have experienced trauma. How does a person who has experienced and is
experiencing emotional pain convey it to people in such a way that they will
respond in a helpful manner?
Melissa:
Using analogies, as you just did in your question is always helpful! Analogies allow us to use commonalities
between ideas or things to generalize principles to other areas. There is a
general misconception we battle in the mental health field; it is the idea that
“If I can’t experience it with my five senses, then it doesn’t exist.” When we lack something tangible, like a
broken leg, whereby to concretely measure how debilitating a thing is, there
is a tendency to make immediate judgments about how impactful someone’s
experience “should” be. We form these judgments based on our experiences and a
number of other factors.
When
attempting to communicate your experiences and needs, it is always best to take
responsibility for your thoughts and feelings.
“I” statements are more easily received than “you” statements. It is also important to tell the person what
you want/need from them. This means you
must first figure out exactly what it is you need! It is best to instruct the listener with
SPECIFIC direction. Here are some
examples:
“I feel lonely. I’d really
like to talk with you, but I would really like it if you listened without
offering advice or opinions.”
“I feel sad. Will you hold my while I cry?”
Sometimes
ideal communication still does not achieve desired results. You may ultimately have to be satisfied with
your own acknowledgment of pain. In the
same way you instruct another of the desired response, you must decide to make
appropriate adjustments on your own behalf.
Others are responsible for how they adjust around that.
Shun
the “shoulds”! Do not fall into the trap of attempting to justify the
“rightness” or “wrongness” of experiencing pain and of the degree to which you
“should” experience it. Approving of
your own pain or having another person approve your level of pain will not
change that it exists or the degree to which it exists. Acceptance does not
require approval. You simply need give yourself acknowledgment, validation, and
permission. That is the best others can
offer, as well.
I
find that Christian adoptees find great comfort in the idea that our High
Priest is “touched with the feeling of our infirmity”. He sees your pain and does not mind to be
present with you in it, even when no one else is capable of holding that safe
space for you. He sits with you for as
long as you need, not pushing, not questioning.
Just present. When no one else understands, He knows more completely
than you what exactly is troubling you. And He has much compassion and
identification with the adoptee experience of being misunderstood, displaced,
and rejected.
Those
who experience the grief of losing a loved one have decreased performance in many
areas, so we lower our expectations of them.
Understanding that the same is true of grief in all forms will allow us
to proceed as we need, offering ourselves kindness, patience, and
understanding, when no one else does. Our
body and our psyche are comprised of overlapping processes and systems; if you
don’t tend to your “emotional broken leg” eventually your suffering will spread
into other areas.
Deanna:
Let’s talk for a minute about perpetual trauma. Many adoptees I meet, have gone
through this, myself included. It is really hard to heal from one trauma let
alone multiples. Some adoptees face perpetual trauma as they navigate what can
be the rollercoaster ride of reunion and various ongoing challenges with their
original and adoptive families. I know this is a very broad question, but how
does a person put themselves in position to move forward, from perpetual
trauma? I speak of the kind of trauma where they are trying to bandage their
emotional wounds and while they are doing it, along comes a situation that
wounds them all over again…
Melissa:
This requires becoming very self-aware, learning to decipher what I need and when
I need it. This requires a lot of
mindfulness—a challenge because we tend to detach in response to pain. Sometimes a person may need to give
themselves space from the source of trauma to let their wounds heal. Other people are able to find healing within
the on-going trauma. Internal boundaries
will have a lot to do with whether we can heal within or need to remove ourselves
from the trauma. Regardless of the route
chosen, healing tertiary trauma will involve both a solution-focused assessment
of how to proceed in the present and heal the current wound, accompanied by the
slower job of processing and healing old wounds.
When
a person has shored up old hurts, new ones are not usually as impactful, as there
are less wounds to re-open. Touching a
deep gash on your arm would be excruciating when it is first formed. We flinch back if any attempt is made to come
near. We will defend ourselves at all
cost as long as the wound is still raw, but as a scab forms and healing begins,
touching the “issue” is less painful than before. In fact, once it is healed, the area is less
vulnerable than when the original injury happened! The same is true of the psyche. We have to address the most recent,
easily-visible trauma initially, but eventually the older, deeper traumas are processed
in a somewhat overlapping fashion. When a person has developed coping skills to
process in the present, they can go back and re-apply those skills to old
wounds.
Melissa
Richards is a therapist at Restoration Counseling Center, in Tampa, FL. After
receiving a Psychology major and Church Ministries & Bible minor from
Clearwater Christian College, she earned her M.A. in Professional Counseling
from Liberty University. Her passion for certain populations has been born of her
own life experiences and the experiences of those she loves. She has a great deal of compassion for the
hurting and patience with the slow and sometimes uncertain process of healing
deep wounds. Melissa works with clients
on issues including but not limited to: trauma, anger, anxiety, coping skills,
depression, eating disorders, grief, relationship issues, sexual abuse, and
more. A more extensive bio listing other
areas of expertise within her practice, can be found here.
