And I Think To Myself...What a Wonderful World

This photo by The Heims (Heim Photography)

The wedding is over, and it was absolutely beautiful. Our kids are married now and headed off to their honeymoon cruise.   

Last night I looked into that beautiful face of the first blood relative I ever laid eyes on, and danced to “What a Wonderful World.” He truly is the most amazing young man on the planet.  I am so happy that he and Taylor have one another to love for a lifetime.

I always dreamed of this…starting a family. Raising a family. Doing it the way I always imagined. Now they will start and raise a family of their own. 

Some dreams do come true even when other ones don’t.

You have to hold on to the ones that do.

Last week while I was at school, part of what we studied about was being fully present. I decided to do that on the wedding day. Once the wedding started, I left my phone in the car on purpose. When I got back to the car late at night there were a zillion messages. Even people asking me questions about the wedding day, or needing help with this or that. (For example, “Where should I park???") With my phone in the car, I was able to avoid distraction and just focus on Dustin and Taylor.

It was a great decision. I fully experienced the day.

My phone becomes my slave at times. I want to change that. 

I want to experience the wonders of the world unhindered.

I Can't Help But Wonder Why

I said I was going to blog every day during NAAM, and although it was my goal, I’ve failed to meet it.  My son gets married tomorrow and I’ve been in a master’s class all week that has taken me on a journey to deep levels thinking about the past, present and future. I feel like I’ve been wrung out, but that’s not a bad thing. It's kind of like when you exercise and are all sweaty afterwards. You're a mess, but it was needed.

So what I want to say today is, I have more questions than answers. It’s funny how life is that way. I woke up this morning doing what I normally do…praying while I lay there with my eyes closed for a while before I actually get up. Usually my prayers center around whatever is rolling around in my head.

This morning the first thought in my mind as I awoke was, “Why are people born into such pain? Why are they born straight into rejection, abandonment, hunger, thirst and poverty? Why is there so much suffering in the world?” I am weeks away from a masters in ministerial leadership and it won’t be too terribly long before I have a doctorate. I should know the answers to these questions by now. I’m 52. And I’ve been a student for a long time in the school of life. But at this point I have more questions than I do answers. The more I learn the more I realize I have yet to learn. I know that God is with us through all of what goes on in the world. I just don’t know WHY.  Some people say, “You’re not supposed to know why!” But why gnaws at me. Not only about myself but about the whole human race.

This past week for my masters class we had to write a paper chronicling our spiritual journey before we arrived at our live session. The professor said she was overwhelmed reading our stories, of where we have come from and the things we, the students, have walked through. Then she proceeded to tell us her story. She asked us to brace ourselves because it would be difficult to hear what followed. It was a story of her abduction and assault, and nearly dying because of what she faced at the hands of her captor. And then, the story of her healing journey and triumph over what almost destroyed her.  I sat there in my seat with my hand covering my mouth, trying to process the horror of what she went through. 

I know who to turn to in pain, many times I just don’t understand the reason for the pain in the first place. Some say you should never ask why, but I believe there has to be a meaning.

Lately the Lord has been giving me a few (just a glimpse) of some answers as to the why of my story. I look at the chain of events and realize, had I not been in certain places, I wouldn’t have experienced various things that are key to who I have become. However, I still don’t have the answer to world hunger, or many things about my own life.

I wonder if years from now, I might know my natural father or his family (who are also my family) and show them pictures of our son’s wedding that is happening tomorrow. I wonder why I didn’t find my Greek family in time. These are just the things I think of at times, the things that keep me up at night, or are floating through my mind as the sun comes up. 

  

Adoptees: Trying to Make Up For What You Lost Will Crush You

Our family - back when all the kids were still in the nest. <3

When I was younger, I fantasized about having the perfect family. Then I grew up and knocked myself out trying to have one.  

I've been married for 31 years. I tried so hard at marriage to the point where it was unhealthy for me as a human being at times. I believe marriage is about two people out-serving each other. Out-forgiving each other. More than anything it’s about servanthood. I still believe that, but for some years in my marriage, I allowed things to happen that weren't just about servanthood or forgiveness - they were unhealthy, and needed to be addressed and corrected. They have now been rectified and I am so thankful for that. My point is that I allowed those things to happen thinking that I had to make it work or save the marriage at all costs - even at the destruction of myself.

I tried at parenthood to the point where I shamed myself over and over again if I made a mistake. (And I made plenty of them, like any parent.) And when my kids had any kind of problems, I took it suuuuuuper hard. And I blamed myself for anything that happened.

The reason I did all this was that I wanted to achieve the perfect family – at any cost – to make up for things I went through earlier in life. (Relinquishment, adoption, and the dysfunction of my adoptive family that ended in the divorce of my parents.) My thought was that I would do whatever it took – at any cost – to have the perfect family once I got a chance to do it myself. I would sacrifice whatever necessary even if it killed me to have the perfect family.

Can I just tell you that it got incredibly heavy? So much so that I had to give up the goal. I haven’t given up on having a good family or even a great family. But, I have surrendered my goal of having a perfect family.

When I became an adult my thought process was, “I’m getting this. I deserve it after all I’ve been through.” Now I realize that nobody – adopted or not – gets a perfect family. Because we are all flawed human beings. You can have a good family but if you are striving for perfection it will be so dang heavy, you will feel the weight of the world on your shoulders.

Sometimes I catch myself in the throes of disappointment over how something went with my husband or one of my kids and I realize, there I go again…having this false expectation of perfection – from them or from me. I have to remind myself all the time that it is just that – something false that was never appropriate for me to strive for.

I have come to terms with the fact that family or anything in life will never be perfect this side of heaven, BUT – we can create something that is really, really good. 

I know I am not the only adoptee that tries to “make up for” all that I lost in life. In my effort to do that, I put a heavy yoke upon me that I was never meant to bear. Maybe you are at this point today, adoptee, where you have tried and tried to create a world that makes up for all that you lost. If you are feeling the crushing weight of that today, can I just encourage you – let go of the expectation of perfection and breathe. As someone once said, life doesn’t have to be perfect to be amazing.