I said I was going to
blog every day during NAAM, and although it was my goal, I’ve failed to meet
it. My son gets married tomorrow
and I’ve been in a master’s class all week that has taken me on a journey to
deep levels thinking about the past, present and future. I feel like I’ve been
wrung out, but that’s not a bad thing. It's kind of like when you exercise and are all sweaty afterwards. You're a mess, but it was needed.
So what I want to say
today is, I have more questions than answers. It’s funny how life is that way.
I woke up this morning doing what I normally do…praying while I lay there with
my eyes closed for a while before I actually get up. Usually my prayers center
around whatever is rolling around in my head.
This morning the first
thought in my mind as I awoke was, “Why are people born into such pain? Why are
they born straight into rejection, abandonment, hunger, thirst and poverty? Why
is there so much suffering in the world?” I am weeks away from a masters in
ministerial leadership and it won’t be too terribly long before I have a doctorate. I
should know the answers to these questions by now. I’m 52. And I’ve been a student for a long time in the school of life. But at this point I have more questions than I do answers. The more
I learn the more I realize I have yet to learn. I know that God is with us
through all of what goes on in the world. I just don’t know WHY. Some people say, “You’re not supposed to know
why!” But why gnaws at me. Not only about myself but about the whole human
race.
This past week for my
masters class we had to write a paper chronicling our spiritual journey before
we arrived at our live session. The professor said she was overwhelmed reading
our stories, of where we have come from and the things we, the students, have
walked through. Then she proceeded to tell us her story. She asked us to brace
ourselves because it would be difficult to hear what followed. It was a story
of her abduction and assault, and nearly dying because of what she faced at the
hands of her captor. And then, the story of her healing journey and triumph
over what almost destroyed her. I sat
there in my seat with my hand covering my mouth, trying to process the horror
of what she went through.
I know who to turn to
in pain, many times I just don’t understand the reason for the pain in the
first place. Some say you should never ask why, but I believe there has to be a
meaning.
Lately the Lord has
been giving me a few (just a glimpse) of some answers as to the why of my
story. I look at the chain of events and realize, had I not been in certain
places, I wouldn’t have experienced various things that are key to who I have
become. However, I still don’t have the answer to world hunger, or many things
about my own life.
I wonder if years from
now, I might know my natural father or his family (who are also my family) and show them pictures of our
son’s wedding that is happening tomorrow. I wonder why I didn’t find my Greek
family in time. These are just the things I think of at times, the things that
keep me up at night, or are floating through my mind as the sun comes up.
