Imagine
my surprise when arriving at a pastors' wives retreat years ago to discover that the theme for the weekend was, “Relinquish.”
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| Photo Credit: Lisa Marie R, Flickr |
The weekend had
nothing to do with relinquishing babies. The retreat was about
relinquishing hurt, pain, burdens, worries, etc. If I wasn’t adopted I would
have thought this was a pretty cool theme. But I am adopted, and I’ll admit it
got excruciating to sit there for three days hearing literally dozens, maybe
even a hundred times that we needed to relinquish…relinquish...relinquish. "God is calling for total relinquishment, ladies!" we heard over and over during the weekend. I got so tired of hearing it, I left one of the sessions early, laid across my bed in the hotel and ate a bag of Hershey kisses they gave us when we checked in.
Another time when
my husband and I were youth pastors we took our teens to a youth convention. In the opening service, the worship leaders for
the weekend kicked it off with an upbeat worship song entitled, “I’m Adopted!”
The lyrics were about being adopted by God (as in experiencing salvation) but I
don’t remember too much of it other than that. When they got to the bridge of the song, thousands of teens and their leaders began clapping and swaying back and forth shouting,
“I’m adopted! I’m adopted! I’m adopted! I’m adopted!” I sat down and put my head in my hands and just started
praying. My husband leaned down and said, “Are you alright babe?” and I just
said, “I’m praying.” He didn’t even ask
anything more. He knew.
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| Photo Credit: Joyosity, Flickr |
Adoption related words are used for other things in life besides child adoption.
This can sometimes cause triggers for adoptees or mothers of loss.
An adoptee friend who is a lawyer tells me she hears the word “adopted” and
“adoption” constantly in her office, having nothing to do with child adoption
but referring to laws that have been adopted or are currently in process. She says this is sometimes a very personal
and private challenge for her. But she continually casts the thought down each
time it comes, seemingly a zillion times a day, just so she can be successful
at work.
I thought of how
many times we hear words connected to adoption in church, having nothing to do
with child adoption, never-the-less they can be triggering. Some adoptees have
told me they can’t sit through a church service when hearing certain words over
and over because instead of really hearing what the worship leader, pastor, and
most of all God intends for them to hear
they are suddenly thinking of their (worldly – having nothing to do with the
Bible or salvation) adoption.
The words abandonment
or abandon can be triggering. I have preached sermons on abandonment to God or
living abandoned to His will. I believe in it, totally. I live it. I’m
passionate about it! And yet, I sometimes struggle with these words.
One of the biggest triggers for many friends
of mine is simply calling God, “Father.” They don’t know who their father is,
or he has rejected them, been absent, or mistreated them. I understand some people’s struggle with this,
yet I’ve never had a problem with it. I’ve always seen God as my Father from thetime I was a little girl. I have leaned on Him for everything. He’s why I’m still here. I know we are all
different, and just because this doesn’t trigger me doesn’t mean it’s not a
real hurdle for others.
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| Photo Credit: Dane Hendren, Flickr |
Redeemed is
another word that is difficult for some adoptees and mothers of loss because
millions of the mothers were told if they relinquished their children, they
would be “redeemed.” God would “redeem” their mistake and their life, and give
them a new start. Even now the National Council for Adoption throws around the word redeemed a lot. (It’s not just a thing of the past as some claim! Women
are still being told this lie to get them to place their children for adoption.)
Of course we know relinquishing a child
doesn’t redeem anyone. Only God redeems people. Giving up babies doesn’t redeem
anyone or give them a new start.
I’m not saying
we shouldn’t use these adoption related words in church or otherwise.
I use them myself, refusing to forfeit them to adoption. The
point of my post today is to educate some who may not realize how and why some
people may react when hearing certain words.
The next time
the pastor comes to the pulpit and says, “Father God loves you, has adopted you
and wants to redeem you as you completely relinquish and abandon all to him…”
and you see a person who looks kind of sad instead of overjoyed at this
incredible news, maybe there’s more to it than you know. More than likely
they are in need of healing because they have experienced trauma related to these
words, in the form of adoption.
By the way, speaking of adoption words, I would be remiss if I wrote a post on this topic and didn't share my friend Laura Dennis's amazing Adoption Glossary.
