July 26, 2013

Adoptees Don't Need An Excuse to Search and Reunite

Two days ago, Craig* finally found His natural family members. I was so excited for him. It’s been such a long time coming for my friend. And now, he is officially on the reunion rollercoaster.

When he posted a status on Facebook that he had found family members, reactions didn’t surprise me at all, for I’m used to Adoptoworld by now. As used to one can get to people who have never experienced something telling other people what to do about it all the time.

In response to his excited announcement about finding his family, one non-adoptee admonished Craig that he "knew who the parents were that raised him, knew who he was in Christ,"  and therefore he is “leaps and bounds ahead of most of people.”

(Hold. Me. Back. Jesus. Yeah...I seriously had to physically restrain myself.  No worries, I was a good little well behaved adoptee.)

Another commenter mentioned that he would now have the opportunity to lead his family into a relationship with God.

This is something I hear people say to Christian adoptees all the time. I’m just going to put my thoughts out there on this, in what may be a considered a shocking statement for my Christian friends to hear. Well, on second thought, probably nothing they hear from me is a surprise since most of them already know I’m the person who says words like orgasm from the pulpit. 

There’s a person in my family who believes the only reason for me to have searched or be in reunion with my natural family is to lead them to Christ. They believe without trying to lead them to Him, my search and reunion was a moot point that didn't need to happen.  

So...I’ve given my entire life to leading people to faith, and helping them grow.

And, here’s the truth.

I don’t need a justification – even that of bringing my family to God, for me to search, find and have a relationship.

In fact, I caution any adoptee who thinks they are to reunite for the sole reason of leading their family to faith, to be very careful with those kind of expectations. I’ve been in reunion with my natural mother for 20 years plus and we still don’t share the same spiritual beliefs and values. And it's not for a lack of trying to set a good Christian example on my part. I love her, pray for her, and certainly I’d love to have the opportunity to lead her into a relationship with God. But…whether she comes to the same understanding of spiritual matters as me or not…this is my mother.  I accept her whether she ever shares my faith, as much as I'd love for her to. 

I don’t need a reason to search and reunite. 
Why must I justify pursuing my natural mother and father?

Is my medical information important? Yes. 
Is my faith important? Yes.

But no adoptee should need this or anything else, as a reason.

In spending more and more time with adoptees, I notice many of them quickly come up with excuses to give non-adoptees who press them about why they are searching.  It’s like they feel they need to present a valid excuse to those who inquire. 

“Don’t worry, I don't want to replace my parents, I just want my medical information…”

“I know you might think it’s strange that I’m searching after all these years, but I really feel God wants me to lead my family to Him…so that’s why I’m searching…”

Every time I hear this, I am sad. 

Not sad that someone wants their medical information, or sad that they want to help someone in finding faith. 

I’m sad that they feel pressured to justify pursuing their family.

We shouldn’t have to give ANY reason for why we want to search, reunite or have an active relationship with our family.

Why? Because they are family. 


*Name changed
Photo Credits: freedigitalphotos.net