Why Do Adoptees Need Their Original Birth Certificates? An Interview With julie j

Today it’s my privilege to introduce my friend, julie j.  We met at Lost Daughters where we are both sisters/bloggers.  I’m relentlessly drawn to kind people. Collecting them as friends is sort of an addiction. So that totally explains why I quickly felt an affinity with julie j. Yes, the small ‘j’s’ are on purpose. No need to correct my grammar.  

Not only is julie j one of the kindest, most helpful people I know --- she's also an absolute treasure trove of information on all things OBC’s, ABC’s and so much more. And... she agreed to do an interview here today on that subject. Read more about the amazingness that is julie j in her bio at the end of this post. 

Here we go: 

Deanna: Most people have no idea that the majority of adoptees do not have their actual birth certificate. Could you please explain to those reading today, what most adoptees have versus the rest of the population?

julie j: Yes, it would be my pleasure to share information on this subject, Deanna. Everyone born in the United States has a birth certificate filled out and placed on file with the state of their birth. This is a historical document that accurately records the details of their birth as it actually happened – the who, what, where, when, etc. Everyone is only born once, so those facts will never, ever change, no matter how many times legal custody of that child may later change. In that respect, everyone in the population is all the same so far.

When someone is adopted at any point in their lives, even in all step-parent adoptions, the court will issue a final adoption decree. This specifies who the adults are who will now be legally responsible for the child. The states don’t stop there though, even though they can and should. They will (unnecessarily) “seal” that individual’s original birth certificate away, in most cases forever, from everybody, including from the individuals themselves. That means in most states, the truth is locked away somewhere and nobody is generally allowed to access it. The state will then create a fake, or “amended” certificate that the individual will be forced to use for all purposes for the rest of their life. 

How is this document different from their real one? Apart from the filing dates, these are designed to resemble real birth certificates. The fake, or “amended” birth certificates, filed months to years after the original ones, claim that the adopting parents gave birth, and they are listed as the mother and father on the amended birth certificate. All of their names, ages, and location details are entered in the places where the natural parents were. The adopting parents have the option of changing any or all parts of the child’s name too, and most (again, unnecessarily) do that. In some cases, places and dates are changed as well. Then the state registrar signs his/her signature at the bottom, “verifying” that the fake one is the exact and true record of the birth and affixes the official state seal to the document. (If anyone else committed that type of felony forgery, they would be facing jail time). Because there can only be one “official” record of birth on file for anyone at any given time, this is what all adopted adults still have today. To sum it up, the original identity and roots are wiped out, and what adoptees have left is a lie, or commonly referred to as “legal fiction.”

Deanna: Why is it so significant that adoptees have their original birth certificate? 

Adoption and Discernment: What Do They Have in Common?

Adoptees -- how do you know if you’re dealing with adoption issues, or other issues of life?

 This question was posed to me last week on Adoptee Restoration Facebook in response to one of my posts here last week entitled, Sometimes, It’s Not Adoption.

I promised a follow up to Margaret's question in the form of a post, so here we go...

Knowing the root of an issue is important. Can God do something about a problem although we don't understand all about it? Yes.  And sometimes, it’s not a spiritual issue but one that requires something of us in the natural. It’s important to pray that God would help us to discern what is needed.

What Happens When An Adoptee Comes Out of the Adoption Closet

"All truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident."

 ~ Arthur Schopenhauer 

Ever wonder what happens when an adoptee not only comes out with their feelings, but dares to write about the experience of life as an adoptee?

Photo Credit: deutscher13, Flickr

Wonder no more.

Some of what I’m about to share may blow your mind. 

What's Up With Adoptees and Birthdays? (I Asked Them!) Part Two

 “They should tell you when you’re born: have a suitcase heart, be ready to travel.” 

~ Gabrielle Zevin

The only way anyone can understand what life adopted is like is to ask people who actually are adopted.  This week I’ve been asking adoptees how they feel about their birthday, in an effort to shed some light of understanding on this subject with non-adoptees. Many responded  to my question, and if you missed part one, I suggest you go back and check out this post as well, for a fuller understanding.

Photo Credit: Sakura Mutsuki, Flickr

I thought this year might be a difficult birthday because I’d had so much to process the last five months. 


Reflecting on my very first birthday -- I spent it totally alone.
(With the exception of receiving medical care.)


My natural mother just recently told me that at my birth and during her hospital stay, she didn’t want to see me or hold me -- and she didn’t. (That explains a lot.) She did see and hold me later on at the adoption agency, before I was adopted.  But there was no rejoicing in the delivery room.

I wasn’t laid on my mother’s stomach or cradled in her arms after my umbilical cord was cut. There were no family members who came to see me in the hospital. No one sang lullabies to me in the hospital and there were no happy announcements on the day I born.  

Back in the 1960’s women stayed longer in the hospital after birth.  My mother was drugged during my birth and remembers nothing. After I made the transition out of her body, I was abruptly whisked away and placed in the nursery until I was released from the hospital, went to foster care, and was then adopted.


My mother and I were separated the entire hospital stay.

What's Up With Adoptees and Birthdays? I Asked Them!!! (Part One)

Why are birthdays such a triggering event for a many adoptees? There are a plethora of reasons. To share just a few that come to my mind that some non-adoptees may be unaware of…

A lot of mystery surrounds many adoptees' birthdays. Most adoptees do not currently have access to their original birth certificate (OBC) and have  what is known as an amended birth certificate (ABC).  

Much of what is on an ABC are lies. Some ABC’s even state the wrong date as the day the adoptee was born. When the adoption is finalized, some states give the option of changing the birth date and the place of birth!

Adoption Words Used in Church & Other Places (The Night I Ate the Whole Bag of Kisses)

Imagine my surprise when arriving at a pastors' wives retreat years ago to discover that the theme for the weekend was, “Relinquish.”

Photo Credit: Lisa Marie R, Flickr

The weekend had nothing to do with relinquishing babies. The retreat was about relinquishing hurt, pain, burdens, worries, etc. If I wasn’t adopted I would have thought this was a pretty cool theme. But I am adopted, and I’ll admit it got excruciating to sit there for three days hearing literally dozens, maybe even a hundred times that we needed to relinquish…relinquish...relinquish. "God is calling for total relinquishment, ladies!" we heard over and over during the weekend. I got so tired of hearing it, I left one of the sessions early, laid across my bed in the hotel and ate a bag of Hershey kisses they gave us when we checked in.

The Stubborn and the Strong

The truth about life adopted is that it’s not all you live. Although I will always be adopted and it forever impacts my past, present and future there are many other things going on at the same time.

Photo Credit: UplandAccess, Flickr

I am blessed with a 26-year marriage, and three children. Like most if not all people, there are always issues weighing on my mind concerning my family. As a mother, I become concerned about things with my kids. Most any given week I am doing what some Pentecostals call “carpet time” on their behalf. (This consists of laying on the carpet crying out in prayer, asking begging God to do something). I am trying to keep a marriage strong. We pastor a church. Yes, it’s a wonderful thing but takes a tremendous amount of energy and fortitude. Not complaining, just stating fact.

One day I was sharing with a friend everything going on in my life aside from adoption and she said, “Oh my gosh, you have all this going on, AND you’re adopted?” I replied that I don't have any other choice.  And if you’re an adoptee, you don’t either. You have a whole life outside of adoption issues, to navigate. Doing it well is definitely intentional.

Triad Gone Postal!

Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh go the adoptees.

Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh go the adoptive parents.

Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh go the natural parents.

It’s a relentless cacophony of wailing.

Photo Credit: Ryan Vaarsi, Flickr

Do You Have Anything Positive To Say About Adoption?

Actually I do. 

A few months ago I shared Five Amazing Things About Being an Adoptee, just in case you missed it.  When I receive a question like, "Do you have anything positive to say about adoption?" I know the place it comes from.

I want to start by answering this question in one of my favorite ways…a true story.

What Can Happen When You Share Your Story

Sharing your story is healing for you. And, it can serve as the catalyst for other people’s healing. 

As I travel and speak, I share my story even more openly now than I did before. It was a challenge for me to do that at first, because I feared the response. I will say, it has been overwhelmingly amazing. There have been times people ask me a question that is unsettling or even make a cruel comment. But the positive feedback including changed lives makes it all worth it.

I know some may wonder what I would consider unsettling or cruel. Well, to give you an example, I recently shared my story as a message illustration. Afterwards, a woman approached me, wagging her finger at me as she sternly said, “All I have to say in response to your sermon is that you better be glad Plan B didn’t exist when you were conceived, or you’d be dead!” And with that, she spun on her heel and walked away. That was it. No, “thanks for coming to our church,” or “good message…” Just telling me that she somehow knows what my mother, who she does not know, would have done if she were pregnant in 2013 versus 1965. But whatever.  

The Black Box Under The Bed (And How It Helped Me Find My Brother)

Have you ever played hide and seek and found yourself underneath a bed?  Perhaps all of us have been there at some point in time. Laying underneath my adoptive parents bed during a childhood game, I felt a large, cold object. I pulled it out from under the bed into the light. It was a black metal fireproof box. Curious, I opened it. 

Photo Credit: misha.ilin, Creative Commons

Unfolding the parchment-like papers, my eyes fell upon my original name for the first time.  I knew I was adopted, but all of this was new information. Adoption and name change papers declared that the child relinquished by an unnamed woman, and given to my adoptive parents, was named Melanie Lynn Alley. 

I can’t remember exactly how old I was when I found the box. I just know I was still small enough to fit underneath the bed. I couldn't lift my head but I could squeeze underneath there and hide. 

I stared at the papers trying to reconcile that Melanie was Deanna and Deanna was Melanie.  

Significant Loss & Trauma Related to Adoption: Interview with Bonnie Martin, MEd, CACS, LCPC

Photo Credit: KetuGajjur, FlickR

When I started this blog, I expected to gather some adoptees together for healing, and hopefully educate some Christians in the process. I've been overwhelmed and humbled by unexpected responses. Many educators, social workers, licensed professional counselors and therapists (both Christians and non-Christians) have reached out to me to thank me for what I write here. 

Over and over I hear, "You're doing an important work here, Deanna. Please, don't stop." 

I believe adoptees are the experts on adoption because we are the ones who actually live it. But we're not alone in understanding the complicated realities of adoption.  Many experts possessing specialized education, professional experience and licensing also believe and declare what many of us adoptees know to be true.

 

I am going to feature them in a series of posts to come, entitled, "Ask a Therapist".  I'm incredibly excited to introduce the first therapist to be interviewed -- a personal friend of over 25 years. I admire her so much, for many reasons, one of which is the work she is doing all around the world in bringing hope and healing. 

  

Bonnie Martin, MEd, CACS, LCPC is a therapist specializing in psychotherapy for adults, young adults and adolescents. Her more extensive bio is featured at the end of this interview.

Adoptees: Why Didn't You Say Something Sooner?

As a kid, I collected words like some collected crayons. 

Photo Credit: _IBelieve_, Creative Commons

My adoptive mother has recounted the story several times of when I was a preschooler and used the word indubitably as I was speaking, and in the correct context!  Placed in accelerated reading and writing from the time I started school, I engaged in both, every day of my life from my earliest recollection. Performing recitations for special occasions, I was unafraid to give a speech, or sing a song. I remember the first time I did so, at four years old, for the entire church.  

Why mention this? It’s not to bring up my since birth Wonder Womanish tendencies.

What Do Adoptees Talk About?

Every day I talk to adoptees, many of whom have become my close friends.  One of my dearest friends is Amanda Woolston, the DeclassifiedAdoptee, and founder/editor of Lost Daughters. We chat regularly, sometimes just about life and lots of times about adoption. Our talks have been so meaningful to us, we recently said, “You know, we should publish some of these chats…”

Photo Credit: Search Engine People Blog, FlickR

So, here we go. Today we're publishing one of our actual online chats, the subject of which is frustration surrounding speaking our truth and encountering non-adoptees who just don't understand, and some that don't want to understand.