March 23, 2015

When People Desperately NEED You to Say Adoption is Beautiful


I had a friend.

The loss of the friendship makes me sad and at the same time, not so.

Reason being: I believe in living in reality. 

Photo Credit: freedigitalphotos.net
Is friendship worth it if it requires you to depart from reality?

My ex-friend, Linda*, is adopted.

Linda has often remarked that she's, "sooooo glad she was adopted." Emphasis on the word was. She doesn't consider herself an "adoptee" and bristles at the word. Although adoptee is the proper term for anyone who is adopted, never mind the facts.



She does not see the loss and grief side of adoption -- for any adoptee, not just herself -- and believes there is no need for reform nor equal rights for adoptees.

I can handle being friends with someone who believes the polar opposite of what I do about something, but not to the degree where they dismiss me, or try to silence me on the issue. 

Part of Linda's jubilation about adoption is that her first family by and large are not Christians, and by being adopted, she ended up not only being raised by Christians, but by a pastor and his wife. She speaks often of the spiritual heritage she would not have had without adoption.

For all the spiritual heritage she received and the emphasis on "truth" that we are raised in Christianity believe is so important -- it was interesting to me how unimportant living in truth became to her, once reunited. She  reunited with her natural family in middle age, after they sought her and found her. She would never have searched, being so steeped in what is known as adoption loyalty. Once her first family found her and requested a reunion, she agreed but it had to be kept a secret from her adoptive parents. To this day, as far as I know, her adoptive parents have no idea she is reunited. Evidently "the truth" would hurt them too much.  Never mind that the God they serve could help them...

Over the past few years that I've been writing about adoption and sharing a desire for equal rights and reform, Linda and I grew apart. She could not accept my views on this issue. I shared with her that she had as much right to share her story and her view as I do mine -- that neither should be prevented from sharing openly. But it became clear over time, sharing my view as I do here on this blog and around other mutual friends was not something acceptable to her. Especially because some of those mutual friends were listening closely, and share my views.

So often I'd remark to my husband Larry that Linda was "the poster child for post adoption issues" though she found the term "post adoption issues", puzzling, and laughable -- particularly for an adult.

Last spring, it finally hit me why my Linda was especially vehemently opposed to my emergence from the fog and subsequent sharing about it.

It was an absolute epiphany when I put more than just two and two together and realized that she is not only an adoptee...she is a first mother. (A birth mother as some more commonly say, although I choose to use other terminology.) So in other words, there is a double whammy here. She is an adoptee, AND a first mom.

I came to this realization after putting bits and pieces of many conversations together that I had with Linda, her husband, children and much more.

So much makes sense now.

She NEEDS all of this to be nothing beautiful. To find it as anything but unicorns and rainbows would send her emotional house of cards tumbling that she so carefully stacked, just to survive all these years.

Even all the many facebook posts underscoring over and over and over again ad nauseum that she is, "the mother to three amazing children," make sense now. I am not sure if it's to convince others as much as it is to continue convincing herself that she only has three children when she really has four.

Linda is like so many others in our lives who by their personal experience desperately need us to say that adoption as a whole is nothing but beautiful. That there is no downside, or need for change.

Because to say otherwise is to topple their carefully emotionally crafted world where they don't have to face reality.

Whether it's the pain of relinquishing a child...

Or having been the child relinquished...

Or dealing with infertility for umpteen years before adopting...

There are people whose painful life experiences are submerged  and it is required for those who surround them to either say everything is beautiful or shut up, so as to not topple their carefully constructed world.

It didn't make sense to me for the longest time as to why Linda desperately needed me to say everything was bliss or shut up.

But now I know why.

For me to share any story otherwise was to open up an emotional Pandora's box. In doing so, the tape that runs in her mind of her sacrificial gift of the  little boy or girl that was relinquished back in the 80's would take on an entirely different spin than she is ready for. Than she may ever be ready for.

And I'm not willing to go back into a fog. 
I'm not willing to be quiet.

 Sometimes people desperately need us to call beautiful what is broken, so they can continue holding their fragments together as long as they can.

Your losses can really rack up in the friendship department when you are simply done with living fake and calling what desperately needs to be fixed nothing but beautiful.  

*not her real name

Comments (7)

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Adoptee here (AKA Janice Wilcox). I had my first face to face encounter with an adoptive grandparent. She spoke over me and wouldn't listen. Just shook her head and told me I was talking in circles when I was saying that family preservation needed to be exercised. She (a pastors wife) said, in so many words, that if we worked to preserve family there wouldn't be babies for infertile couples to raise! As if people who are unable to conceive are the deserving ones. (p.s. my husband and I can't have kids, so have a unique perspective, I think.)

I love your articles, as they are an encouragement to me. I feel very alone in my non-fogged state. I really hope I don't lose friends. I sure was surprised how defensive she was of something I find un-Godly.
Wow! Did you hit that finishing nail square on! I'm a first mom and only after reunion and much self-education did I emerge from the fog. I thank God for truth and those who are willing to stand up and tell it -- even when no one wants to hear it. Yes, the truth is very painful. The carefully packaged propaganda sold to single young first moms was that our children would be better off without us. Not once in 43 years (before reunion) did I ever question that theory. I did have enough faith in God though to know that He would give my son back to me if that was His will. And His Will be done ... <3 Thank you, Deanna, for continuing to stand up and tell the truth about adoption. When first moms speak our truths, we are usually seen as just bitter women unable to live with "our choices". I believe it is the adoptee's voice which will have the greatest impact on adoption reform.
If I could have believed the propaganda, believe me, I would have. I lived in that fog for years because I needed it to be true or risk myself falling apart.

Life is more raw with the truth. In some ways, it is harder. But at least at the base of that difficulty is truth, which is solid. The base of the fog? I don't think there was a foundation, just an illusion.

I needed the hard truth to feel real myself.
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Txdesertflower · 547 weeks ago

Lived in fog for 34 years and it is very hard to come crashing out of it, sort of the feeling of being propelled through the air not knowing where you will land. Can't say I blame her for pretending all is well. No one likes to be shot from a cannon up into the air 10 stories high. Can anyone say honestly they like the terror of that?
Recently an adoptee told me she had no interest in reunion because her adoptive parents told her that when she was born her first mother wanted nothing to do with her. End of story. I didn't challenge her (not the appropriate place/time/relationship) but I did gently suggest that even if that had seemed true at her birth, it was possible her mother had changed her feelings over the years and adoption reform was needed so people could communicate about these things. But I just wanted to shake her adoptive parents. How could they tell their child such a horrible thing and insist it is some kind of eternal truth? My heart just breaks for the adoptee.
As a mother in reunion for nearly three years now, I've had personal experience with what you speak of in this post. In my case it's my sister who has opted out of an active relationship with me. When reunion slammed into me, and I came out of my fog about adoption, I was hit with the realization of HOW MUCH I had lost, and HOW MUCH I grieved that child I didn't get to raise. My sister couldn't take it. She reprimanded me for not simply being grateful my son is now in my life, and what I counted a loss was really no loss at all because now we are together. When I insisted differently and attempted to share from my viewpoint, (not to mention experience), she opted out of active relationship and refused to listen or consider. While it's sad, I'm truly at peace with it. It's not an honest relationship if you have to change your truth to appease another.
Great post, Deanna. Another tine to the fork of your argument...if Linda were to actually face facts, she'd also have to look a lot more closely at her relationship with her *wonderful* adopters. I'm doubtful that they were supportive of her keeping her baby.

Also, if her afather was a pastor, might her child have gone to a fellow church member, or at least someone the family knew?

I probably couldn't be friends with her either, but she has my compassion. She must be in constant agony.

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