Adoptees: Go Where the Light and Love Are

Adoptees often face proverbial brick walls within their birth or adoptive family. These walls are fortified by misplaced loyalty, secrets, lies, (many of  being lies by omission) and the like.  Many times well-meaning people will take up the cause of those who are committed to live in secrets and lies. Sometimes they are even loyal to the dead, which is the most bizarre of all. 

If you keep secrets, you don’t love.   

If you lie, you don’t love.

If you build a wall with people who have done nothing but seek the truth and are committed to live in truth, that’s not love.

Why don't we go where the light is...where the love is? It' because we may not think we deserve it. That's how I felt until very recently. 

I am determined to a fault. Giving up is not my strong suit. And, for so long I did not want to let go of toxic people just because  I went through hell and back to find them. 

Attention Moms: It's 2016

I’ve been MIA for a while. In addition to working a lot of hours, I have custody of my 16-month old great niece until July 2016. It’s a privilege and a joy – and also brings a change to how much I am able to do things like blog. Or be in the bathroom by myself. But here I am today with some thoughts. First I want to thank those of you who reached out to me during the holidays to say you were thinking of me, and are thankful for what I write here, and about adoption in general. I appreciate that you expressed that more than you know.

Me on my birthday this year. It's how I spend the day, with my great niece.

So, although I could write on and on about the journey of caring for a baby from day to day, let's get to the heart of what I'm going to say that's adoption related.

This story is on Lynn Grubb's blog today. It's the journey of Buck Winslow, an adoptee whose natural mother refused to tell him who his father was, lied about the name, ultimately confessed the name but caused a lot of pain and heartache all around regarding it. In the end, through DNA he finds his paternal family and regarding that reunion it seems things are just wonderful at this time. While in some ways it’s a great story in other ways it’s so sad.

I am disheartened by two things - how common this behavior is among mothers and how many people dismiss a grown woman’s wrong doing. I guarantee there are some people out there reading this article who feel for  Buck's mom.  Many times when a mother behaves this way we hear about how they had no choice, how the times were so different then, how they were mistreated, shunned, etc. While I don’t deny any of that, it’s 2016.  It’s not 1966 anymore.  We know you get triggered and flashbacks, and emotional pain even though it’s not the fifties or sixties or whatever-era anymore. And whatever has happened then or is happening now – it doesn’t excuse your responsibility to tell the truth and to pursue emotional health NOW for yourself and the good of those around you. Take the excellent advice of therapist Karen Caffrey, LPC, JD in her article, Birthmothers and the Responsibility to Heal.

It’s sad that this behavior exists but more maddening to me anyone enables or   sympathizes with it. I already know I'll be more than likely vilified for this in the comment section, but I don't care. It that happens it's only a reflection that it touches a nerve and further proves my point. 

I believe one of the reasons some people dismiss the wrong-doing is because they believe adoption makes up for it. It’s my hunch that many who are not in the adoption constellation don’t see why any of this is important as long as God “worked everything together for good.” Maybe everything hasn’t worked together for good yet. Have you thought of asking the adoptee and prefacing your question with an assurance that you really want to know  their true feelings and will not judge?

So today’s thought from me to you, although it is nothing ground breaking and earth shaking is that I become tired of people excusing wrong behavior and would like moms to realize we are living in a new era and healing is available. There is absolutely no good reason, no acceptable reason, no God-honoring reason why anyone would not know the truth of their origin. And, for the record, the calendar just turned another year and I have yet to know half of mine.

     

Uncovering Adoption History: Love Me With Lies?

 

Nothing can send me over the rails faster than lies.

Most adoptees I have met seem to be allergic to lies. 

Maybe that's because so many of us have been expected to accept them for so long.

Adoption issues are an area where many Christians give lying a pass at times, because they feel the good outweighs the bad. Some Christians I meet believe that if a person's history is complicated or puts another person in a less-than-positive light, lying is understandable.

They don’t call it a lie.

Many times it’s an omission. Otherwise known as "lying by omission."

The definition of lying by omission is: “Otherwise known as exclusionary detailing, is lying by either omitting certain facts or by failing to correct a misconception.”

Why do I single out Christians? 
Because I am one. 

And I know what the Bible says. 

We are supposed to live true, and  stand for truth - not lies. But adoption circumstances seem to be an exception for some or even most. Take for instance, the fact that all amended birth certificates contain lies -- and I'd be hard pressed to find even a few Christians who agree with the statement I just made.

They think it's perfectly normal to have a certificate of birth that says a woman delivered a baby who actually never did. That's the first lie that is on an ABC but there are more, of course. 

When People Desperately NEED You to Say Adoption is Beautiful

I had a friend.

The loss of the friendship makes me sad and at the same time, not so.

Reason being: I believe in living in reality. 

Photo Credit: freedigitalphotos.net

Is friendship worth it if it requires you to depart from reality?

My ex-friend, Linda*, is adopted.

Linda has often remarked that she's, "sooooo glad she was adopted." Emphasis on the word was. She doesn't consider herself an "adoptee" and bristles at the word. Although adoptee is the proper term for anyone who is adopted, never mind the facts.

Adult Adoptees: We Are The Grown Ups Now

Yesterday was National Sibling Day.

I was once again reminded of the fact that had I not pressed forward after my natural mother’s initial refusal to reunite, I would not know two of my three siblings. (I have two natural siblings that I met in reunion in 1993 - a brother and sister, and one adopted sister that I grew up with.) 

As many of you who regularly read this blog already know, my natural mother initially said no to reunion -- through an intermediary. Two years later, I showed up on her doorstep to give her opportunity to accept me or reject me, with no one in between us. I thought two adults deserved the chance to talk to one another unhindered. She made the decision to reunite once she met me personally.(The story will be released as a book, later this year.)

I got the feeling right up to her death last year, that my natural mom felt she should be in charge. Enter Deanna, who was born in charge. Comin’ out of the womb with a briefcase in one hand and a microphone in the other. At least, that’s what my good friends say.   

Needless to say this was an oil and water mix at times. Two women who both thought they were in charge. And one who thought the other woman was still a baby! Add to that an adoptive mom who thought she should be in charge at times because, "I'm the one who raised you!" and ka-BOOM! Call a SWAT Team, now. Adoption bombs raining down...

2 Requirements for Adoptee Breakthrough

Expressing feelings of pain or grief  is something adoptees aren’t supposed to do in regard to our adoptions.  Early on, we understand our job description well. It basically consists of two words:

Be grateful.

We are not to vocalize any feelings of loss or grief, one reason being that it may be perceived as speaking against what is proclaimed as a heroic choice.   

Adoptees are told by the people in our lives (and many times people who aren’t even in our lives and have no idea of our personal circumstances) that our natural mother made a heroic choice -- the greatest choice- the most unselfish choice. We are assured that what she displayed in giving us up, was true love.

As children this left many of us perplexed. 

Adoptees and Anger Toward Our Natural Mothers (And Others) A Conversation With Rebecca Hawkes

Rebecca Hawkes

Today I'm collaborating with one of my favorite people...Rebecca Hawkes!  Unless you just crawled out from a rock entered adoption world, you already know her. Rebecca's writing is well known in our community.  If you're finding her here for the first time, let me introduce you to a lady with a tremendous amount of depth. I love having conversations with people who can go to the depths, with no fear, and she's one such person. She's also all things kind and compassionate. Today we're talking about something that's a really touchy subject, and that is -- anger toward our natural moms. We do not share this with any malice or vengeful spirit. We come with open hearts to give understanding and hope that we will be received with open hearts in return. Let's get started.

Deanna: Rebecca, I had the wonderful opportunity to have lunch with you in person the other day (!!!!!!) It was amaaaaaazing to get to do that. I'm really excited to partner with you for this conversation here at Adoptee Restoration, and share our thoughts about an important topic: anger we adoptees often feel toward our natural mothers, for various reasons. And particularly what we go through in the rollercoaster that is reunion. 

Rebecca:  I agree about the lunch. I wish we could do that regularly! Darn geography!

Anger is an interesting topic for me because if you’d asked me a few years ago if I had anger toward either of my original parents I would have insisted that I didn’t. Someone even commented on my blog once asking me why I didn’t seem to have anger toward any of my parents, though I did clearly have anger directed (appropriately, I think) at the adoption industry and many of its practices. I answered, “I don’t know. I just don’t.”

And that was my story until the day when this post erupted out of me. Here’s a piece of what I wrote in that Lost Daughter's post. 

I have explored grief and loss. I have mourned and cried till I was wrung dry. I have expressed anger toward the system that caused my separation from my original family. I have raged against culture, society, my biological grandmother, and Georgia Tann. But I have never allowed myself to fully explore (or even admit to) my anger at my birth parents.  

What held me back in this area? I confess that I still have a high level of personal discomfort with anger, especially my own anger. Is that discomfort tied to my seemingly deep-seated fear of rejection? If I am angry, am I unloveable? 

An Interview With One of My Favorite Birthmothers Claudia Corrigan D'Arcy

Birthmothers have been an essential part of my healing process. I've mentioned many times that so many of them were there for me in my darkest hour. And they are still there now. I count them among my dearest friends. They have helped me to understand more and the have taken time to understand me.

One of the women who has been a great blessing to me is Claudia Corrigan D'Arcy, or "Claud" as she is often called. 

Claudia is the mother of four children, the oldest relinquished to adoption in 1987. As a prolific blogger, she has spend hours writing about her deepest feelings and talking to people about what it's like to relinquish a child. She is a writer, editor and director of social media who has been blogging since 2005.  Claud's writing has been featured at the New York Times, Blogher, Divine Caroline, Adoption Today Magazine, Land of Gazillion Adoptees,  Adoption Voices Magazine and many others. She writes at her blog, Musings of the Lame. It's my joy to introduce you to this amazing woman -- a mother who has made a complete overhaul in the adoption industry her life's work.

Deanna: Claud, your story had me riveted. I have to confess -- I read the whole thing in one sitting. I just couldn't stop until I finished it! I want to direct readers there to read the entire thing for themselves, but can you give us a snapshot of your story so they know a bit of your background?

Why Yesterday's Birthday Was the Best EVER.

 

Photo Credit: Droid Gingerbread, Flickr

Yesterday was my birthday. The first present I got was being a year younger than before!  How, you might ask? Well, I'm so horrible at math I've miscalculated my age for years and have been telling everyone the wrong age! 

I realized I even put the wrong age on my medical forms for probably the last 3 years or so.

 Larry said, "I tried to tell you that you had been adding it up wrong."  

All this time I had thought he was being nice and just trying to console me. But it's true -- I am a bit younger than I thought, but still woefully inept at math.

Birthdays are a serious challenge for a lot of adoptees. Some go into depression. Others refuse to celebrate it at all. Right now I'm praying some people through their birthdays. 

For me, some birthdays have been awesome and others were a challenge. It just depended on what year it was and what the plans were.

Yesterday's birthday was different than any other, EVER in my life.

Triad Gone Postal!

Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh go the adoptees.

Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh go the adoptive parents.

Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh go the natural parents.

It’s a relentless cacophony of wailing.

Photo Credit: Ryan Vaarsi, Flickr