Help When Reunion Blows Up A Conversation with Laura Dennis

Today I'm doing one of my favorite things to do! I'm having a conversation with my dear friend, Laura Dennis. Specifically we are talking about being restored personally after reunion blows up in your face. I wrote about this in my recent book release, Restored. The first part of this conversation is at Laura's blog, so if you've come here first, hop over there and read and then circle back here for the ending. Here we go...

Deanna – Thank you! That means so much to me. I have a lot of compassion for all people who have been through this type of pain. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone! I guess we all tend to think our pain is the worst because it’s what we know, what we have experienced. As you know it’s important that we never dismiss nor mock a pain we haven’t endured. I try to be sensitive to all types of wounds that may be people’s reality. And, admittedly I am more attuned to this one because I’ve experienced it. My heart is to tell people, there is help, there is hope. I see so many of our friends and acquaintances who make comments on social media saying things like, “This will never get any better,” and “there is no hope, no moving forward for me…” and I want so badly for them to experience what I have. This was the catalyst for Restored. 

Laura Dennis

Laura—I would also add that you are a highly empathetic person, so that helps with your sensitivity and attunement. You really did come from such a broken place—but you walked (sometimes crawled!) that path to healing, and you stand so much stronger today.

I know that Restored is going to help so many people. It’s actually the best bit of advice I could give someone who thinks there is no hope: 

Muster just enough hope to start reading this book. 

What other advice would you give to someone in the depths of their despair? 

Deanna—Know that no matter what it looks like today, it really can be different tomorrow. It won’t automatically be that way. Victory doesn’t just fall on you. So much of restoration is putting yourself in position for it. As you take steps toward healing you can and will move forward. There are many tangible and practical steps I give in the book in the Restoration Toolkit chapter. But if I were to just give a few words of advice–I would say three things.

First, if you don’t have enough faith to believe for restoration right now–hold on to someone else’s. Hold on to a friend, a family member, or mine right now. Know that although this may be your darkest hour, there is help and hope for a different tomorrow. Refuse to give up!

Second, get some help from human beings who know what they are doing when it comes to this. Realize you don’t know it all. Admit that you need help. Eight months of therapy were invaluable for me in the healing process. I wouldn’t be writing this right now and furthermore, I don’t know where I’d be had I not gotten that help.

Third, know that God is there and cares for you. Reach out to Him. Maybe you don’t believe in God right now. I challenge you to simply ask Him to make Himself real to you… to show you that He is truly there and cares for you. There is no judgment in this challenge, only love. God loves you and He has a plan for your life and your restoration.  He will walk with you through this pain and help you get to the other side.

Laura—Such great advice, I truly hope it speaks to those who need to hear it. I also want to remind both of our readers how much authors value (and need!) their honest reviews—they definitely help future potential readers make a buying decision, so please leave your review of Restored once you finish reading it. 

Deanna - Yes! Reviews are golden and I so appreciate every single one of them. If you have read the book, it would mean so much to me if you would give a review on Amazon. Thank you all for reading and joining us for this conversation today.

Interview with Soojung Jo (Part 2) Author of Ghost of Sangju

Today, Laura Dennis and I are so blessed to be able to interview the amazing Soojung Jo, author of Ghost of Sangju. If you haven't read Ghost of Sang Ju, oh my lands!!! Get the book today! I promise, you will want to read it all in one sitting. There's so much to unpack. Wherever shall we start? Well, if you've come here from Laura's blog -- here's part 2 to enjoy and if you're reading here first, please hop over to her blog for part one. And without further adieu, we give you, Soojung...

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Deanna—
Both of your reunion stories in the book—of your trip to Korea, and your Korean family’s trip to America—are riveting. As anyone who is in reunion knows well, it’s an ongoing journey and rollercoaster of emotions. What is the greatest challenge in reunion for you now, aside from the obvious one that Omma and family live so far away? 

Soojung—

There’s so much injustice in this story, and yet so much love and redemption.  I call it “A Memoir of Reconciliation,” but I don’t think that’s quite accurate.  Maybe it’s the hope or the dream of reconciliation, the crazy idea that all these experiences, emotions, and contradictions can reside in one lifetime.  It’s still incredibly difficult to reconcile these parts of myself and my life, to be true to both Soojung and Raina, and to be the daughter of both of my families.  I still feel so much anger and disbelief about it all. But I don’t consider reunion to be a great challenge, even in its difficulty.  I know the truth now, while so many separated families and lost children never get the truth.  They never have the chance to deal with these “challenges” that I have in reuniting with my Korean family.  Worse, some adoptees have terrible reunion experiences.  They are rejected by their birth families or their adoptive families, and sometimes they are treated as shameful secrets or worse.  It’s trauma all over again.

So yes, there have been challenges, but I’ve come out of it with the truth and with two families.  The blessings are far greater than the challenges for me.  Not everyone is so fortunate.

Laura—
While your experience as an international adoptee differs from mine as a domestic adoptee, I can definitely relate to, and empathize with, the emotions. The complex blending of anger and acceptance; the sadness and incredulity all mix into a roiling cocktail that we must live with every day, in addition to “regular life.” Your perspective on your adoption and reunion has obviously progressed through stages, but I wonder if you could articulate one or two pathways that worked for you in terms of recognizing the blessings and being able to see how far they outweigh the challenges.

Part 2 of this question speaks to what I would summarize as your amazing adoptee resilience. It allowed you to survive and thrive in the armed forces, to create a beautiful family, to succeed in your career. I’m wondering if you could talk about how much of this is due to your inherent personality (drive to succeed) vs. your “adoptedness” … or is it both or neither?

Soojung— 
The first thing is to accept that we can’t go back in time.  I can’t change anything that has already happened.  So, while many terrible things happened, many other wonderful things came from the good in the people of my story and life.  But it would be irresponsible to acknowledge only the blessings without recognizing the tragedies and injustices—many of which are institutionalized and sanctioned by both the Korean and US governments.  I can’t relieve my Korean or American families of their complicity in our story, but I don’t have to blame them either.  The blessings outweigh the challenges, but in this complex life I could not have had one without the other.

Resilience has really come to the forefront of psychology these days.  In a world of inevitable failures and heartbreak, resilience is now recognized as that quality that allows us to remain solid and true, that allows us to grow from the hard places of life.  Where my resilience come from?  I hope that readers will recognize that I had two families who did their absolute best to love and nurture me in their own ways, and that is invaluable in early childhood development.  I also believe that one must be tested in order to develop resilience, and there have certainly been plenty of chances in my life to be shaped by adversity.  Some—like adjusting to a new family, country, and language at age 3—were involuntary.  Those are traumas that some people never fully emerge from, and I think they fundamentally forged my character beyond my natural disposition.  Others—like going to West Point and choosing an Army assignment in Korea—are self-imposed.  Those are experiences that refined me.

The Search for My Father: We've Come a Long Way, Baby!

Major advancements are happening in the search for my natural father. I believe we are close to an end of the search and am cautiously optimistic. 

I never would have dreamed even a month ago that we would be at the place we are at now.

Incredible breakthroughs have happened.  It’s amazing how many people have come together and given of themselves to help me. I have the most amazing search team, ever! My stepfather Tom (who is assisting me in the search) mentioned to me the other day how amazed he is that so many are helping – and specifically some people who do not share my religious beliefs.  I explained, I have many friends – even very close friends, who do not share my faith.

I am not shocked that people who don’t share my beliefs help me, as I’ve always had relationships with people of many backgrounds and walks of life. I am, however, surprised at how many complete strangers are helping me.

Reunited Korean American Transracial Adoptee Mila Konomos Shares Her Thoughts About Adoption, Christianity & More (Part 3 of 3)

Today brings us to part 3 of a series of posts from the incomparable Mila Konomos. If you missed parts 1 and 2 check them out...

Part 1

Part 2

Deanna: What are your feelings about reunion?

Mila: Uh, every feeling possible? Ha.

For me personally, reunion has been both the best and worst experience. It is both exhilarating yet heartbreaking. Uplifting yet crushing. Fulfilling yet draining. It is the experience of feeling every seemingly contradictory emotion over and over again. It is learning to live life with a divided identity that no matter how hard you try to merge the two, they always feel at odds.

Reunion is not for the faint of heart. And it is certainly not a fairy tale ending. Although it may bring answers, it does not bring closure. Although it may bring healing, it does not fix anything. It does not make adoption all better. And when you are facing language, cultural, and geographical barriers as an international adoptee, well, obviously, this further complicates the reunion experience, not only short-term, but long-term.

Although I can say without a doubt that I do not regret searching and finding, there are times I wish I could make it all disappear. For me, as an adoptee in reunion, I am constantly having to manage complex, seemingly contradictory emotions, thoughts, identities--it’s maddening at times. And somedays, I just wish there was a way to make it all go away. But the reality is that it will never go away. So, I have to deal with it. Reunion is endlessly complicated, and hence my feelings about it are equally complicated.

When People Desperately NEED You to Say Adoption is Beautiful

I had a friend.

The loss of the friendship makes me sad and at the same time, not so.

Reason being: I believe in living in reality. 

Photo Credit: freedigitalphotos.net

Is friendship worth it if it requires you to depart from reality?

My ex-friend, Linda*, is adopted.

Linda has often remarked that she's, "sooooo glad she was adopted." Emphasis on the word was. She doesn't consider herself an "adoptee" and bristles at the word. Although adoptee is the proper term for anyone who is adopted, never mind the facts.

Selling Your Soul to Reunion

What would possess a mature, grown, confident and otherwise wildly successful person to throw all common sense and self respect out the window?

Reunion.

Yup.

Adoption reunion has the power to turn a powerhouse into a groveling wimp.

I only say that cuz’ I’ve been there. As the wimp.

But no more. No sirree Bob. The showings of the  Wimp Chronicles Starring Deanna Doss Shrodes have closed and are no longer available, even on DVD. 

I know so many adoptees who are the kind of people who slay dragons with one hand behind their back in every other sphere of life. They kick tail at work and their other endeavors. But reunion turned them into Jello. When they enter reunion, they begin to agree to things no strong, self-respecting person would otherwise agree to.  

What is it about reunion that causes one to act like they never would in another area of their life?

For starters, the most insane desire for approval…ever. 

Even if you don’t struggle with that in other situations…it so often seems to come with the territory in reunion.

Because you just want a seat at the table.  

A full seat.

So you put up with craaaaaaaaaaaaaaazy stuff that you would never put up with when it comes to anything else in your life.

Whatever you have to do to get that seat, you do it.

You compromise, going beyond any reasonable alteration to a place of losing yourself at times, just to gain what you lost at birth or shortly thereafter.

But you can never totally regain it anyway because the tremendous volume of loss of shared history can never be regained.

But you try, oh do you try.

You knock yourself out trying to create and recreate shared history.

Trying to fit in.

And no matter how hard you try, you don't absolutely fit in like a perfect puzzle piece with your natural or your adoptive family because there are such gaps with both. Typically a shared history gap with one and an understanding gap with the other.

Amidst all of this change, you encounter the "nons" as we know them, who (with or without invitation) will give such brilliant wisdom as, "See...this is why reunions are not always good...they open up a can of worms...you have opened Pandora's box...it's best to leave well enough alone...blah blah blah..."  

You have embarked on a sometimes unrecognizable version of yourself in exchange for active relationship. And then, you wake up one day and ask, “What in the world am I doing?  I am agreeing to things I would never concede to in any other situation in my life.  I am compromising in places I never would with a friend, or even my spouse. What in heaven’s name is driving me to agree to put up with these expectations or this treatment?” 

Perhaps you have agreed to be kept a secret after reunion, just to stay relationship.

Or maybe you’ve agreed to refrain from openly sharing your feelings with anyone, or writing publicly.

After realizing the ridiculousness of this demand,  you may suddenly see that you don’t have to live that way anymore.

You do not have to compromise for one more day.

You can stop talking yourself into the fact that it’s okay in this one area, just because it’s not comparable to anything else in your life.

You can refuse to be someone other than yourself, just to hold onto what is left. 

You can just say no to doing whatever it takes to keep them happy so you can still have some shred of contact left.

You can stop selling your soul to reunion.

You can be who God created you to be, and let the chips fall where they may. 

*Photos by Deanna Doss Shrodes

Why Pursue Siblings After Secondary Rejection? (Is It Really So Crazy?)

My sister Shari is coming to visit today, for a few days. She wanted to be with us for the Easter weekend. (We are both believers and this weekend is extremely important to us as women of faith.) It will be the first time we’ve seen each other since our mother passed away this past August.

 

As far as immediate family, my brother and I are all that my sister has left in this world.

Both of her parents are now dead, and there are no other siblings but my brother and I.

Our brother is loving but extremely quiet and to himself. Connecting with him is a challenge at times – not because he’s uncaring (he isn’t) he’s just not a communicator.

If I hadn't pursued my natural family (including the siblings I knew about from the adoption agency) with wholehearted determination, back in 1991…my sister would be a lot more “alone” in this world, as far as immediate family. 

I kept going with the search, even after experiencing what is known as, "secondary rejection."

Judy (my natural mother) was consistent over the years in being happy about mine and Shari's relationship. She told me all throughout our 20 years together, and reaffirmed it right before she passed away, that she was so grateful Shari and I had each other. She often said she hoped our bond would increase. (Judy was so blessed throughout her whole life to have such a close bond with Aunt Jeri. She wanted that for us.)

It's a weird paradox how she didn't want to be found and yet was so glad to be found at times. (It's best when I just don't try to figure it out. LOL)

It’s times like today,that I’m really, really glad I didn’t give up, even when all the powers that be said it was over.

It’s never over til’ God says it’s over.

Don’t give up.

Adult Adoptees: We Are The Grown Ups Now

Yesterday was National Sibling Day.

I was once again reminded of the fact that had I not pressed forward after my natural mother’s initial refusal to reunite, I would not know two of my three siblings. (I have two natural siblings that I met in reunion in 1993 - a brother and sister, and one adopted sister that I grew up with.) 

As many of you who regularly read this blog already know, my natural mother initially said no to reunion -- through an intermediary. Two years later, I showed up on her doorstep to give her opportunity to accept me or reject me, with no one in between us. I thought two adults deserved the chance to talk to one another unhindered. She made the decision to reunite once she met me personally.(The story will be released as a book, later this year.)

I got the feeling right up to her death last year, that my natural mom felt she should be in charge. Enter Deanna, who was born in charge. Comin’ out of the womb with a briefcase in one hand and a microphone in the other. At least, that’s what my good friends say.   

Needless to say this was an oil and water mix at times. Two women who both thought they were in charge. And one who thought the other woman was still a baby! Add to that an adoptive mom who thought she should be in charge at times because, "I'm the one who raised you!" and ka-BOOM! Call a SWAT Team, now. Adoption bombs raining down...

Who Are the Strangers?

When I prepared to make the trip to knock on the door of my natural mom, (unbeknownst to her), to see her for the first time as an adult -- there were those who volunteered to accompany me, including my husband. 

I declined. 

Although my husband went to Virginia with me, he didn’t go to her door with me, nor was he in the room when we had our first conversation as adults. 

I realize all adoptees aren't the same.
And many may feel different about this issue.

For me...reuniting was a sacred moment.

The first moments weren’t something to share, even with my husband. 

(Although I adore my husband, consider the fact that if it weren’t for my natural mom, I wouldn’t even be here on the planet to have a husband, in the first place.)   

Judy and I started out together in 1966 and I wanted our reunion to be the same – unencumbered by anyone else who may want to insert themselves into the moment that was ours, alone.

“But you were meeting with a stranger…” some say. “I would think you would have wanted someone familiar with you, just in case…”

Hmmm.

Breakthrough For One of Our Own in Adoptee Community Don't Give up Hope! E-V-E-R!!!

Joe Soll

This past weekend the adoptee community was  buzzing! Everywhere I looked, I saw the reports of this breakthrough!

The big news was about  Joe Soll, psychotherapist, author, adoption educator and founder of the Adoption Healing Network. 

Backstory: Joe is a black market adoptee who was sold as a baby, by a famous baby broker in New York named Bessie Bernard. He was resigned to accept the fact that he would probably never be able to know the truth of his history, or find his family. The time period of his search was 32 years.

Enter: DNA testing!

What I Could Have Said to This Adoptive Parent...And Didn't. (Until Now.)

 “One of the main reasons we adopted our son from Korea was so we don't ever have to worry about the reunion stuff…”

Photo Credit: Okasafa, Flickr

This was said to me earlier this year by an acquaintance I hadn’t connected with since college.  A mutual friend had forwarded one of my blog posts to her and she wrote a note and sent it to me in response. The topic of my post was navigating the challenges of reunion. Her reaction to what I wrote was that she was grateful she would never have to deal with her son reuniting with his original family because she and her husband adopted from Korea.

 

Adoptees Don't Need An Excuse to Search and Reunite

Two days ago, Craig* finally found His natural family members. I was so excited for him. It’s been such a long time coming for my friend. And now, he is officially on the reunion rollercoaster.

When he posted a status on Facebook that he had found family members, reactions didn’t surprise me at all, for I’m used to Adoptoworld by now. As used to one can get to people who have never experienced something telling other people what to do about it all the time.

In response to his excited announcement about finding his family, one non-adoptee admonished Craig that he "knew who the parents were that raised him, knew who he was in Christ,"  and therefore he is “leaps and bounds ahead of most of people.”

(Hold. Me. Back. Jesus. Yeah...I seriously had to physically restrain myself.  No worries, I was a good little well behaved adoptee.)

 

Sometimes Adoption & Reunion Ain’t Pretty! Part 2 A Conversation with Laura Dennis

Have you experienced challenges in reunion? Is the Pope Catholic?  Of course you've dealt with your share of reunion doo-doo, if you have been in reunion more than about 30 seconds. I'm delighted to be joining forces today with my gal pal, Laura Dennis, the adoption fog buster, to discuss this issue! Yeah, she's totally amazzzzzzzzzzing.   

We began this conversation on Laura's blog yesterday with Part One. If you didn't read yesterday you might want to hop over there first to check out the beginning. But please, make sure you hop right back here when you're done! 

With that said, here we go with the second half of our conversation about difficulties in reunion.

Laura – I love this notion of “active relationship,” because it can help non-adoptees see that just because you’re not in an active relationship with someone, it doesn’t mean you’re not affected by that person. Take the situation in which Dad has disappeared, leaving Mom to raise the baby...would we say that Dad doesn’t have an effect on the child’s life? No, we would say the effect is huge exactly because he isn’t there. 

This notion that you mention of being required to fit in, to adjust to the adoptive family reminds me of Daniel Ibn Zayd’s article, Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD): the alienation and resistance of the adoptee. In the post, Daniel argues that the adoptee’s feeling of not fitting in is actually normal. He says:

Emotional Vs. Physical Pain (And What I'm Discovering in the Storm)

Yesterday was a hard day.
Hard is not an appropriate word.
But appropriate words don't come easy right now.

I'm a wordsmith. Words are my deal.
And yet, accurate adjectives escape me.

Photo Credit: Permanently Scatterbrained, Flickr

I woke up to some adoption drama. Yes, that occurs even this far into an adoptee's journey. We will always be adopted no matter how old we get. (When they say, "Adoption is forever..." it really is!)   And our families (birth and adoptive) react in different ways to us, particularly in the storms of life. And they always will do this. It's not always a conscious thing on their parts that they do it. It's not always malicious or intentional, it's just reality. It comes with the territory of being a family "touched" by adoption as some call it, and I have come to accept this aspect and be at peace with it. I will always be different in this regard than my non-adoptee counterparts.  

Just Another Day In the Life Of a Resilient Adoptee

Welcome to another Adoptee Restoration post where Deanna emotionally bleeds all over the computer welcomes you into the journey of living life as an adult adoptee in search and reunion.

Adoption is a complex world, made even more so by the use of amazing technology like DNA testing.

If you aren't living in adoptoworld you probably won't get this post. Those who do live in this parallel universe, be encouraged. You don't need another glass of wine or bowl of Chunky Monkey to survive. You aren't crazy. You're just adopted.

What a Man in the Atlanta Airport and the Search for My Father Have in Common

Atlanta airport is a place where it seems scores of people are always racing to their next connection. Most times that I go through the ATL, I end up being part of a pack that is running to our next gate.

Photo Credit: RecycleHarmony, Flickr

 During the month of May, I've been away preaching a third of the month and have gone through the ATL several times. As I was navigating the hustle and bustle one day, I met a middle aged gentlemen who had never flown before. He was missing about half his teeth and had a southern drawl. He turned to me with a look of desperation and said, "I have never flown before and I have no idea what I'm doing."

The Black Box Under The Bed (And How It Helped Me Find My Brother)

Have you ever played hide and seek and found yourself underneath a bed?  Perhaps all of us have been there at some point in time. Laying underneath my adoptive parents bed during a childhood game, I felt a large, cold object. I pulled it out from under the bed into the light. It was a black metal fireproof box. Curious, I opened it. 

Photo Credit: misha.ilin, Creative Commons

Unfolding the parchment-like papers, my eyes fell upon my original name for the first time.  I knew I was adopted, but all of this was new information. Adoption and name change papers declared that the child relinquished by an unnamed woman, and given to my adoptive parents, was named Melanie Lynn Alley. 

I can’t remember exactly how old I was when I found the box. I just know I was still small enough to fit underneath the bed. I couldn't lift my head but I could squeeze underneath there and hide. 

I stared at the papers trying to reconcile that Melanie was Deanna and Deanna was Melanie.  

And Then There Were Two Guest Post: Lee H.

Today’s guest post comes from someone I met here at Adoptee Restoration. Lee is an adoptee and  frequent commenter here who has become a treasured friend.  She has never written an actual blog post about adoption before this. I have been encouraging her to step out and share her heart and her experiences of life as an adoptee. She is getting braver and making many changes in her life regarding her adoption. One of those she is going to share with us today in the post. I'm really proud of her and I know you will come to love her just as I do. ~ Deanna

 

Photo Credit: Foster86, Creative Commons

My name is Lee H.  That is not really my name, but when I write about things related to adoption she is kind of my soul sister.  I write using her name because I still have this overwhelming desire to protect the people that I love and care about.  My story is still emerging, and even though I could come out and be the person I am in my day to day life this just feels safer for everyone right now.

Adoptees In the Waiting Room Guest Post: Laura Dennis

Laura Dennis, Lost Daughters blogger and author of Adopted  Reality,  has become such a dear friend to me. Although we live across the world from one another, we are closely in each other's heart-space. If you don't already know Laura, I can't wait to introduce her to you today in this guest post. She's a prolific writer with a unique voice that motivates scores of adoptees every day, to live our truth. Enjoy these words of wisdom from one who is living the journey. ~Deanna

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If it weren’t for the Lost Daughters blogging community, the paths of Deanna Doss Shrodes and me, Laura Dennis, would never have crossed, let alone intertwined in such a fulfilling friendship. 

You see, Deanna is a Pentecostal preacher in Florida with three nearly grown children. I, on the other hand, am an East Coast bred, former dancer/non-believer living in Serbia (yes, you read that right) with two crazy small children.

The most obvious thing that we have in common is that we’re both adoptees. Yeah, yeah, you adoptees like to gang up on everyone else, wallow in your pain, and accuse the rest of us of ruining your lives. I can see where this post is going.  

But there’s more to it than that. 

We’ve held cyber-hands through some tough emotional situations. We have helped each other face ongoing, complicated post-adoption issues. Show me a simple adoption issue, and I’ll show you a cold day in hot place. That’s another thing Deanna’s taught me: sanctified cussing.

I Fought For My Sister!

Some people fight for their sister on the playground, when a bully picks on them.

Some people fight for their sister, standing by them when they go through breast cancer or some other serious illness. 

I fought for my sister, just to see her face, to know her name, to have her in my life.

Years before I found her, I knew I had a sister by birth.

I had no idea what she was like, nor her name or anything about her. 

But, I knew from non-identifying information from the adoption agency, that she existed. 

Like the majority of other adoptees, I was up against a system that doesn't give us the information that is rightfully ours, to make connections with members of our first family.  

All I can think of when I ponder this reality is, "How sick is that?"  

What kind of a person or system forcibly keeps people from their family?