Why Adoptees and Fantasy = Reality

"Natural children, who have parents, siblings, and other blood-related relatives, are grounded in a reality from which they can spin their images. But adoptees do not feel grounded or connected by any such reality. Much of their imagery is not centered on the adoptive family in which they live as if they belong, but rather in fantasy and imagination. They have a sense that their very perceptions are deceiving them. They have lost the ability to distinguish between what is real and what is supposed to be real." 

Betty Jean Lifton, Journey of the Adopted Self

My natural hair color is brown.  

I knew little about my natural mother for the first twenty seven years of my life. So when I pictured her in my head, she was always a lady with brown hair. 

Imagine my shock when I knocked on her door the night we reunited and she opened the door and a blonde haired lady stood before me. (She colored her hair at the time.) I had thousands of fantasies about my natural mother and what she was like, and when we entered reunion I discovered many of my fantasies didn't match up with reality.  

The Wonder Years

For adoptees, all the years are the wonder years. Unless they've been given access to all the information about themselves.  

Did you ever think of what a strange world adoptee-land can be, where a human being does not readily have knowledge of their own personal history? I can't think of many things much more bizarre than that, not to mention, potentially dangerous when it comes to medical history.

I am hard pressed to think of any adoptee I personally know who has told me that knowing their full history, even in what some would term "worse case scenarios" was worse than not knowing. 

Photo Credit: Luz Adriana Villa A, FlickR

A counselor once advised me that secrets are some of the most destructive things in the world. I know that full well.  It's often been said, "You're only as sick as your secrets."