Adoptees Don't Need An Excuse to Search and Reunite

Two days ago, Craig* finally found His natural family members. I was so excited for him. It’s been such a long time coming for my friend. And now, he is officially on the reunion rollercoaster.

When he posted a status on Facebook that he had found family members, reactions didn’t surprise me at all, for I’m used to Adoptoworld by now. As used to one can get to people who have never experienced something telling other people what to do about it all the time.

In response to his excited announcement about finding his family, one non-adoptee admonished Craig that he "knew who the parents were that raised him, knew who he was in Christ,"  and therefore he is “leaps and bounds ahead of most of people.”

(Hold. Me. Back. Jesus. Yeah...I seriously had to physically restrain myself.  No worries, I was a good little well behaved adoptee.)

 

Why I Chose to NOT Go On Medication for Post-Adoption Pain

Disclaimer: What I share today is my personal journey and choice, and is not a statement that I believe everyone should follow the same path.  Please consult with your physician and therapist, to determine what course of action is best for you.

  

Photo Credit: Deanna Shrodes (Yes, this is my neighborhood...)

While out on a walk in the neighborhood I met a woman who had experienced the loss of a family member in the previous year. As we talked she shared that she had not really allowed herself to let go and release her emotions and fully express the grief. She told me she had not yet even allowed herself to cry. There was a fear that if she released her emotions she may have a nervous breakdown, the pain inside her was so great . “I’m afraid if I start crying I’ll never stop…” she said.

Do You Have Anything Positive To Say About Adoption?

Actually I do. 

A few months ago I shared Five Amazing Things About Being an Adoptee, just in case you missed it.  When I receive a question like, "Do you have anything positive to say about adoption?" I know the place it comes from.

I want to start by answering this question in one of my favorite ways…a true story.

3 More Things SOME Adoptive Parents Do That Drive Me Crazy!

It's back by popular demand! The things that SOME (not all!) adoptive parents (AP'S) do that drive me crazy.  

Photo Credit: www.petsadvisor.com, Flickr

Even the cats are screaming for change...

Now, if you are one of my many AP friends, don't get your panties in a bunch. If you don't do these three things, why do you even care? And if you do them...well, maybe, you want to reconsider doing them. Don't shoot the messenger -- consider the message.

After I shared the first 3 things SOME (not all!) Adoptive Parents do that drive me crazy, I heard reader's cries for more. So, here you go -- the latest portion of reality served up on a plate of truth. 

3 Things SOME Adoptive Parents Do That Drive Me Crazy!

Photo Credit: Jacob Schere,Flickr

There are a lot of things I do that drive people crazy. More than one post could be written about that. 

As a rule, I'm not into judging. So why am I zeroing in on adoptive parents (AP's) today when I have so many issues myself? Because a lot of adoptive parents have been writing to me, especially since I published my story. And they want to know...what do they need to do? How do they need to change?

"How do we avoid this kind of pain, Deanna?" and "What can we do to make sure our kids don't go through this?" they ask.

What Can Happen When You Share Your Story

Sharing your story is healing for you. And, it can serve as the catalyst for other people’s healing. 

As I travel and speak, I share my story even more openly now than I did before. It was a challenge for me to do that at first, because I feared the response. I will say, it has been overwhelmingly amazing. There have been times people ask me a question that is unsettling or even make a cruel comment. But the positive feedback including changed lives makes it all worth it.

I know some may wonder what I would consider unsettling or cruel. Well, to give you an example, I recently shared my story as a message illustration. Afterwards, a woman approached me, wagging her finger at me as she sternly said, “All I have to say in response to your sermon is that you better be glad Plan B didn’t exist when you were conceived, or you’d be dead!” And with that, she spun on her heel and walked away. That was it. No, “thanks for coming to our church,” or “good message…” Just telling me that she somehow knows what my mother, who she does not know, would have done if she were pregnant in 2013 versus 1965. But whatever.  

Adoptees: Why Are You Focused on the PAST?

"Why don’t adoptees just move on?"

"Why do you dwell on the past?" 

"You need to move forward! Yes, things happened in your past -- but you don't have to stay stuck there..."

I’ve heard all these things and more, mostly from those who are not adopted.

Photo Credit: Nasrulekram, Creative Commons

Adoptees: Why Didn't You Say Something Sooner?

As a kid, I collected words like some collected crayons. 

Photo Credit: _IBelieve_, Creative Commons

My adoptive mother has recounted the story several times of when I was a preschooler and used the word indubitably as I was speaking, and in the correct context!  Placed in accelerated reading and writing from the time I started school, I engaged in both, every day of my life from my earliest recollection. Performing recitations for special occasions, I was unafraid to give a speech, or sing a song. I remember the first time I did so, at four years old, for the entire church.  

Why mention this? It’s not to bring up my since birth Wonder Womanish tendencies.

Horrible Things People Would Never Say (That Are Said All The Time!)

 

 “I know a girl at church whose mother was killed by a drunk driver  and it was never any different for her, being raised by her Dad's new wife."

“My neighbor had a son who got lost and never came home, but she never talks about it. She must be fine.”

"I kinda wish my parents would have died. I've always envied people whose parents died and were able to get new ones."

"God redeemed you through your parents death. Isn't He amazing?!"

"Friends whose spouses die are lucky. They are extra special because they have the choice to pick new ones. Better ones. Ones with more money who can provide them with a better life."

"My cousin doesn't even want to know how his parents died, or search for their bodies. He has no interest."

“My best friend thanks God every day that her parents disappeared. She knows it was God’s plan and gave her opportunities she would not have had, if her parents stayed in the picture.”  

What Do Adoptees Talk About?

Every day I talk to adoptees, many of whom have become my close friends.  One of my dearest friends is Amanda Woolston, the DeclassifiedAdoptee, and founder/editor of Lost Daughters. We chat regularly, sometimes just about life and lots of times about adoption. Our talks have been so meaningful to us, we recently said, “You know, we should publish some of these chats…”

Photo Credit: Search Engine People Blog, FlickR

So, here we go. Today we're publishing one of our actual online chats, the subject of which is frustration surrounding speaking our truth and encountering non-adoptees who just don't understand, and some that don't want to understand.

The Wonder Years

For adoptees, all the years are the wonder years. Unless they've been given access to all the information about themselves.  

Did you ever think of what a strange world adoptee-land can be, where a human being does not readily have knowledge of their own personal history? I can't think of many things much more bizarre than that, not to mention, potentially dangerous when it comes to medical history.

I am hard pressed to think of any adoptee I personally know who has told me that knowing their full history, even in what some would term "worse case scenarios" was worse than not knowing. 

Photo Credit: Luz Adriana Villa A, FlickR

A counselor once advised me that secrets are some of the most destructive things in the world. I know that full well.  It's often been said, "You're only as sick as your secrets." 

Am I a Success Because of Adoption?

“Adoption is the reason you are a success today.”

I have heard this, a lot.

Many adoptee friends have shared with me that they hear this quite a bit too, as the reason for their successes in life.

Photo Credit: Mirimcfly, FlickR

 

Since I started this blog I have been contacted by everyone from attorneys to professors to extremely wealthy people...adoptees who, no matter how many material possessions they have or what they have achieved, are hurting.   They long for peace. All the while, many in their lives say, "Look at all that adoption made possible for you! You would have no success, were it not for adoption."

"I'm An Adoptee And I Don't Have Issues!" A Closer Look...

“I know a person who’s adopted and they’ve had absolutely none of the issues you speak of…” 

 “I’m an adoptee, and I’m just fine…”

“Everybody doesn’t struggle with adoption. I’m one of those people. I’m so happy that I was adopted!”

While it’s a fact that people are different and not everyone’s story is the same, I take issue with the statement that any adoptee can be guaranteed to be void of post-adoption issues simply based upon their current state of being.

My question is: are they still breathing?

The Purpose Driven Adoptee

“Why search? Your identity isn’t about your earthly family. Your true identity is in Christ.”

“Your home is in heaven. What does any of this matter in light of eternity?"


"You're adopted by God. We're all adopted, as Christians. That's who you are, and why you're here."

"Don’t get stuck on all this adoption stuff and searching for your birth family. It’s a distraction from what God has for you in life. He's called you to minister to people, not get wrapped up in this.”

I’ve heard all these things. 

I experienced it back when I was searching, before reunion. 

And I sometimes still get things like this from other Christians, now. 

I know other Christian adoptees hear these type of things from people too, because they've told me.

Their Greatest Fear: Adoptees Grow Up And Think (And Speak) For Ourselves

One thing many of the people who collaborated on our adoptions never considered was that one day we'd all grow up and have a mind of our own. Whodathunkit? People with brains...

And some of us...would be brave. 

Freaking brave.

We would go on to actually find our voice.
We would take courage and speak. 
We would change the world as we know it.

I recently became acquainted with a first mother/birth mother named Lisa who writes at Living Through Today. She left a comment on my blog and I then started reading hers. Her journey will turn your heart inside out, unless you don't have one. I read this post and needed a box of Kleenex.

Lisa & Brit, Photo Credit: Living Through Today

 

Lisa was led to believe that her daughter Brit's adoption would be a completely open one, with a mutual exchange of information and visits. But shortly after the adoption was finalized, everything changed.  Not only that, but as soon as they adopted Brit, they immediately underwent fertility treatments and got pregnant with twins. Once the twins were born they immediately became pregnant with another child. When it is all said and done Brit's adoptive parents will have four children under the age of three. The family structure and open adoption arrangement in the way it was originally communicated are all completely different from what Lisa was promised when she was encouraged to sign the adoption papers. My heart breaks for Lisa and Brit. And although I have so many thoughts about this situation, the one I have most is this:
 
Brit will not always be a baby. 
She is going to grow up.
She is going to have a mind of her own.
She is going to exercise it.
And it's going to scare the living heck out of those who tried so hard to control everything.

One Way Adoptees Can Respond to Challenging People

My last post  was about people who feel threatened and respond to our personal narrative or sharing our view about being an adoptee with, "Wow, that was really hard to hear..."


I'm not referring to compassionate people who appreciate what we have to say and tell us something was hard to hear because they feel sympathetic. I'm talking about those who want us to stop.  Basically their, "wow, that was hard to hear," means, "Your story or your perspective about adoption makes me uncomfortable and I really wish you wouldn't share it."

Do This With An Adoptee...I Dare You!

The two biggest victims in adoption are adoptees and natural mothers. They aren't the only victims but I believe they go through the most pain. Ironically, they seem to be the last two people anyone asks about. When I share about my adoption and reunion experience, even to this day, rarely does anyone ask about me.

Up until the recent experiences I referred to in this post, nobody has ever asked me, "What was it like for you, growing up adopted?" or "How are you now with everything concerning your adoption?" 

When I reunited with my original family, nobody asked me if everything was okay or how I was doing in the reunion process, which can be very challenging. Not one single time was I asked if I was alright or if I needed help.

What Every Adoptee Needs More Than Anything

Six months ago when I first began writing at Lost Daughters, my (adoptive) cousin, Grace, read my first post there, and commented.

 It was a scary time for me, daring to open up and write about my experience, feelings and beliefs about adoption .


I feared people's reactions, but not enough to suppress my truth anymore. I bared my soul at Lost Daughters, and hoped for the best and braced myself for the worst.