Why Adoptees and Fantasy = Reality

"Natural children, who have parents, siblings, and other blood-related relatives, are grounded in a reality from which they can spin their images. But adoptees do not feel grounded or connected by any such reality. Much of their imagery is not centered on the adoptive family in which they live as if they belong, but rather in fantasy and imagination. They have a sense that their very perceptions are deceiving them. They have lost the ability to distinguish between what is real and what is supposed to be real." 

Betty Jean Lifton, Journey of the Adopted Self

My natural hair color is brown.  

I knew little about my natural mother for the first twenty seven years of my life. So when I pictured her in my head, she was always a lady with brown hair. 

Imagine my shock when I knocked on her door the night we reunited and she opened the door and a blonde haired lady stood before me. (She colored her hair at the time.) I had thousands of fantasies about my natural mother and what she was like, and when we entered reunion I discovered many of my fantasies didn't match up with reality.  

Adoptees: Why Can't You Just Be Okay With the Unknown?

"Your pressures are fine,"  the eye doctor said to me last Monday. "Things are looking good. Any history of glaucoma or high blood pressure on either side of your family?”

“None on my maternal side that I know of, no clue on the paternal side as I’m adopted and don't currently have information about my father's side,” I answered.

Photo Credit: FeatheredTar, Creative Commons

The Purpose Driven Adoptee

“Why search? Your identity isn’t about your earthly family. Your true identity is in Christ.”

“Your home is in heaven. What does any of this matter in light of eternity?"


"You're adopted by God. We're all adopted, as Christians. That's who you are, and why you're here."

"Don’t get stuck on all this adoption stuff and searching for your birth family. It’s a distraction from what God has for you in life. He's called you to minister to people, not get wrapped up in this.”

I’ve heard all these things. 

I experienced it back when I was searching, before reunion. 

And I sometimes still get things like this from other Christians, now. 

I know other Christian adoptees hear these type of things from people too, because they've told me.