9 Things I Learned in Search of the Perfect Life

I figure a lot of things out as I go along. I believe everyone does, and if they tell you otherwise they are just fooling themselves.  And furthermore, they aren't growing as a person. We didn’t know what we didn’t know, before we knew. 

Today I want to share something I have been trying to coming to terms with. 

I asked God why He allowed me to have anything less than a perfect life after relinquishment and adoption. To me, that was enough pain for a lifetime. I had the attitude, “Hey God, I did my time.” I really believed in my heart that this loss and living as "the different one" my whole life was enough for anybody to face, and that God should have understood that. And He should have acted accordingly. It never works well to tell God what He should have done.

I was mad about this for a long time. I was confused about the losses that just kept right on coming.  (The dysfunction and eventual breakup of my adoptive home, etc., the loss of our first baby after we got married, the pain of things not going the way I dreamed of in the first church we pastored, etc.)

One time I was being prayed for during an altar service. To my recollection I was 17 or 18 years old. I was still in bible college when this happened because I remember talking to my best friend Joanne Greer about this. And the pastor who prayed for me, having heard a bit of my situation made the statement that he was surprised I hadn’t committed suicide by that point in my life. He was saying he sympathized with what I had gone through in life and was surprised I hadn’t given up. Then he prayed for me to be healed of what I was feeling inside. It wasn’t a bad experience at the altar, in fact it was kind of healing in itself to just have someone validate what I was feeling when for so much of my life nobody affirmed any of these feelings.

So fast forward a few decades and even more loss, and with it a few friends gently spoke into my life, sharing with me that many people – adopted or not adopted, face hurts and losses. That pain is not unique to adoption. At first I got upset that they said it.  I felt dismissed. (And maybe I was.) I tried to get out of the conversation as quickly as possible. I wanted avoid more pain as well as preserve the relationships of people who I had this conversation with.  But I still thought about it all the time even though I didn't talk about it. Some things are hard to hear but we still need to unpack them, nevertheless.

This was something I needed to come to terms with, inside myself. Because with each loss that would come my confusion grew. Did God not understand that I now deserved something different? Maybe not more in life but something different than what I was getting?  

I'm careful to use the word deserve, because when it comes to work and outcomes, we typically get what we deserve. "You get what you put into it," we hear. I've found that true. The harder I hustle, the more the return. Success only comes before work in the dictionary. But on these random things like losses and pain and grief, I can't work my way out of them or control them. And I felt like I had already fulfilled the trauma quotient by birth. But God didn't feel the same. After about four years of thinking A LOT about this, for probably thousands of hours -- here’s what I have arrived at.

People face multiple traumas in their lives. No one is immune. I have many friends whose spouses have cheated, abandoned them, and then they have cancer. I have one friend who has been abandoned by her husband and has now faced cancer not once but twice. And the heck of a lot more. And she is NOT adopted. Is my loss worse than hers?   Truth be told in most of my friends who are not adopted I can name multiple traumatic circumstances in their lives -- children dying, cancer, abandonment of spouse, etc.

So how am I any different as an adoptee? This is what I’ve wrestled with.

Many of my non-adopted counterparts outnumber me in traumas. Nobody gets a guarantee of having only one trauma in life, even adoptees. And sometimes our non-adopted friends will outnumber us in the amount of things faced. I have come to understand that my loss feels worse because I have faced it longer than most of them will face theirs. 

My loss started before I was even born. 


Who else on earth can say that but an adoptee? Who literally felt their loss before they breathed their first breath? 

My mother knew she was giving me up even though she vacillated at times, and didn’t sign the papers for 47 days after I was born. She was at the maternity home four or five months after she got pregnant – because she had no where to go. She was homeless...having been kicked out of the house once her pregnancy was revealed. So from April of 1966 to August of that same year, she was living in a maternity home – moving toward relinquishment. Scientific studies show that stress that an expectant mother is under affects a child in the womb.

I was affected by all of that trauma before I exited my mother's body. Then, I continued to be impacted by it once I was born. I was a baby and couldn't control any of that. It was what it was. My mother and I never had contact while I was in the hospital. I was never laid on her chest – there was no warm contact of human being – no skin-to-skin nurture, for a long time. From as long as I can remember, I rub my feet on the sheets to soothe myself to go to sleep, even as a married fifty year old woman with a husband who is affectionate with me, and gives me all the skin to skin contact I could possibly want. 

I’ve arrived at a place of understanding that my loss feels so much more profound than my friends although it may not really be more profound, because I’ve experienced it for even longer than day one of my born life. I use the word feels because I’ve come to understand it’s a feeling, not necessarily reality though it is my reality it may not be reality for the rest of the world.  This trauma I have faced feels like the absolute worse thing anyone in the world can face. But is it? I've been grappling...

Perhaps my friend facing multiple cancers does have it worse. But then we are getting into comparing pain. Which never leads to anything productive. I’ve come to see that pain is pain and the person who faces it just feels that theirs is the worst because it’s their day-to-day reality. And here’s my point – this loss has been my reality and most any adoptee's reality for longer than we've been alive. And as soon as I came to be able to realize what happened I felt like enough was enough and I didn’t deserve any more loss in life. And, it’s not the way things work. Life isn’t fair. The fair is where you get cotton candy. 

What hurts the most at times isn’t that I believe my loss  is more profound than anyone else’s but that it is dismissed as nothing and unacknowledged and worst of all mocked or even praised by some. Yes, the praising kills you. That is what is so painful at times.   

After letting all this percolate in my mind for so long one thought I have is that I don’t want to be someone who mocks a loss, especially one I haven’t endured. I pray I can be the healing hands of Jesus, not someone people avoid so as to not endure even more than they have already faced.  

A lot of things happen to all of us that we don't expect or deserve. Life is amazing AND life is hard.  

My thoughts today probably seem like one bit fat nonsensical rambling. Maybe people who read this will think I’ve seriously gone mad. But here’s what my takeaways are from today’s blog post…

1. Everybody faces pain. 
2. It does no good to compare pain. 
3.  Relinquishment and adoption are some of the most complicated losses to  try to explain.
4. Adoption loss feels the worst because we experienced the loss and were affected by it before we even got here.
5. It will be hard for anyone else on the planet to understand the day-to-day reality of those who have known this particular loss that affected us even before birth. We can't expect those who haven't endured it to understand it. It's rather incomprehensible for those outside of it and all the more reason we need each other.
6.  Our reality can feel like it’s the worst simply because we’ve faced it for so long and don’t know what it’s like to live any other way. 
7.  To have your loss go unacknowledged or mocked may even be worse than the initial pain itself.
8.  Life’s not fair. You can go through what you feel is the worst pain of all yet it may be far from the last loss you will ever face.
9. Nobody has a perfect life. Yet, we can all strive to build a great one despite whatever losses we have faced.    
   
   All photos by me 

Do For Someone Else What No One Did For You

My writing has been scarce here for a while between the combination of my full time job outside the home, and having temporary custody of my great niece, Olivia. 

I have learned to do most things with one hand - such as load the dishwasher or cook dinner.  She wants to be held most of the time and I gladly do. I  want her to feel as secure as possible. Most things I do while at home are with her on my lap or in my arms.

Many people approach me and say, “I don’t know how you’re doing it,” and to that I say, “Some days I don't." When they ask what I mean I explain that they might judge me if they knew how many things fall through the cracks. I won’t even write them here for lack of emotional bandwidth to handle a debate with anyone right now.  But suffice it to say, my home is not as clean as it used to be. Lots of things don't get done.  Even though I wrote a highly acclaimed book on time management, there are plenty of things I just don't have time for anymore.   These are not things like washing the windows or cleaning out the gutters. They are things that should be done on a weekly basis and others might say, "Ewwwww gross!" A maid could change all this.   

As challenging as it is on many days, I wouldn’t trade this decision for anything, to take care of Livvy this year. Her mom is excelling! We are so proud of her. She misses her so much and is in touch with her often. She is eager to complete the program and get back to parenting on a daily basis.

Although the circumstances are not the same (Livvy is not relinquished nor being placed for adoption), what we are doing for Livvy is what I wish someone in my original family offered to do in my circumstance. 

I realize there are people in the world who believe it was best for me to  leave my birth family and be adopted. Even for those who believe that, is it not sad that not one person offered to help, even temporarily?

Some would say, "All the more reason you should have been adopted."

Maybe they the devil's advocate have a point there. 

Others will say, "Well, taking care of a child is hard work. Maybe that's why they didn't offer to help."

All I'll say about that is, anything worth it in life is hard. Anything significant is hard. Anything life changing is hard.  

But still others will say, "If a parent wants to relinquish their child, the family needs to accept their decision and let the child go into the foster care or adoption system."

And all I'll say to that is, God help any of my family members who do that.   Deanna will go from woman of God to Cruella DeVille in 2 seconds. Seriously, I would go ballistic if any of my family members relinquished their children. And I'd fight for them.

How sad is it that a child can be relinquished without even one person in a family stepping up to the plate saying, "Let me help so she is not lost to the family..."? 

More than one grandmother in this day and age - not the baby scoop era - have corresponded with me as a result of this blog and said, "I had no choice. My daughter got pregnant and decided to relinquish the baby and I simply respected her wishes..." Seriously lady?  Sorry, the compassionate preacher has now exited the building... I don't even know that I have a response to that kind of ridiculousness.

Years ago I had a talk with all three of my (unmarried) children and told them if an unplanned pregnancy happened to any of them they would have no choice in whether to keep a child. Children in our family stay in our family. It's the way it is. There is no other choice. Other than Deanna going to prison.
 

So when my niece needed temporary help, I didn't waste two seconds in deciding to help.

Many people approach me and say, “What you guys are doing is so special. You are a rare couple.”

Well that stinks.

Why are we rare? That’s part of what’s wrong with the world.

As long as we are rare and special in this way, there is way too much loss and pain in the world and kids leaving their families whether temporarily or permanently. 

And even if it's necessary at times such as in the case of abuse or neglect, is it still not pathetic when not even one family member steps up to say they will help? 

My non-identifying information from the adoption agency says that everyone but one of my mother's siblings thought she should relinquish me. That person (according to adoption records) thought she should keep me, but only as a punishment of sorts, a consequence of her mistake.

I don't have angry feelings about this, nor do I  walk in bitterness or unforgiveness. So why do I even write about it today? Because it is largely this experience in my life that strongly compels me to live differently. In so  many facets - perhaps even most areas of my life - I want to do for others what I would have them do unto me. (Hmmmm where have I heard that before? Could it be...the Bible? The Golden Rule?)

So with all this said - the point of my post today is that I am a supporter of kinship care.

I hope as time goes on, kinship care becomes more the norm in society.

3 Assumptions Often Made About Adoptees

Much of the world is wholeheartedly banking on these three assumptions about adoptees.  

1) We know or remember little of what happens to us at the time of our relinquishment and adoption.

2) We are “blank slates” when we come into this world, ready to be molded by our surroundings. 

3) There are no serious or long-lasting affects of a infant's separation from his or her natural mother. And if they are affected when they are an adult, it's their fault. They can just make a choice to not be affected.

Let’s talk. 

What do you want the world to know about these “assumptions”?

Photo Credit: Deanna Doss Shrodes

Human Beings Want Their Natural Mother

Two of my friends have both lost their mothers.

One friend was very close to her mother, and is grieving horribly. Everyone understands this.

Photo Credit: dimnikolov, Flickr

The other friend was not close to her mother. She is also grieving terribly and perhaps some do not understand why she is reacting the way she is. Why is she taking her mother’s passing so hard when the two were not close and in fact were at odds most times?

In going through the recent passing of my natural mother as well as observing other friends who go through the same, I have noticed the impact is great no matter the relationship. If one was close to their mother, they mourn the loss of spending time together – the comfort of their mom’s presence. If someone was not close to their mother, they mourn the loss of what they hoped for, but did not receive.  Either way, when your natural mother dies, it's a huge blow.

Assumptions About Unwed Pregnant Girls

People sometimes try to debate me on adoption issues, emphasis on the word try and say things like:

Photo Credit: genue.luben, Flickr

It's so much better for unwed girls/women to relinquish their babies instead of keeping and raising them, because if the child is not adopted they:

[pick one]

• May be neglected
• May be abused
• May be mistreated/abused/killed by the mother's boyfriend

There Are Better Moms Than Me

I love to cook but I don't manage to cook dinner every single night. Sometimes we eat PB & J or leftovers.

Photo Credit: Mrsdkrebs, Creative Commons

I get really mad sometimes and yell.  Loudly. Then I have to apologize...again.

I couldn't help the kids with math homework after about the second or third grade. I'm a waste when it comes to math. I failed algebra. Thank God price tags say nothing about "x" or "y" or what they equal. My shopping days would be over. 

I work a lot.  They get peeved at times and ask me to do fun things more. They say, "Mom, you need to learn to chillax..."

Why Many Adoptees Kiss God & the Church Goodbye (And Why I Didn't)

Some adoptees turn to God.

It seems many more turn away from God.

I get why.

I have served as a pastor for 25 years. And yet, even as a vocational minister, I understand the rationale that brings many adoptees to the place where they want nothing to do with God. Between questioning what kind of "God" could possibly plan or allow their relinquishment and adoption, to the cruel responses they get from Christians concerning their feelings about adoption or their search for their original family, their exodus from God and the church is not a mystery.

It is common for adoptees to receive messages from religious people throughout our lives:

"God planned you, as a gift to your adoptive parents."

"You are a special child...chosen by God to be adopted."

"Your adoption was ordained by God..."

"God knew all this and had a plan worked out for you to be with your adoptive parents..."

When adoptees struggle with post adoption issues and try to come to grips with the significant losses that have occurred in our lives, who do we blame? Of course it's only natural to pin the blame on God, since after all, everyone's been pointing to him as the mastermind of our adoptions for as long as we can remember.

Everybody's Going to Hate Me For This Post

I have tons of conservative friends. And plenty of liberal friends. And a slew of them in between. I have many dear friends who are pro-choice, and lots of them who are pro-life, like me. Although I love all of you, I'm pretty much going to tick all of you off today.

 I'm just warning you in advance. Maybe you should go now to get a piece of chocolate to soothe yourself once you're done reading. If you are among my liberal, non-AG minister-friends, go to the fridge and grab yourself a Corona.

My word of the year is BRAVE, so here goes.