The World is Addicted to Adoptive Parents

 

It has been ten months (310 days from today, to be exact) since I found my bio father Gus, and reunited with him. And in those ten months I’ve learned many things too numerous to list on one blog post. But today, here’s the one I will focus on.

The entire freaking world is obsessed with adoptive parents. 

 Nothing has changed. 

 And before you say, "It’s just the Christian world, not the whole world..." you're wrong. I promise you on a stack of Bibles, it is THE WHOLE WORLD.

My story hit the news media without me even trying. The extent of my “try” was writing Facebook posts about my father and I to my friends (that were set to public) and made their way into the hands of the media. I was fine with that, and actually honored. However, it has not been without frustration.

One of my biggest headaches in this season has been navigating media inquiries regarding my adoptive parents. One hundred percent of the time, when any media outlet has contacted me, they have wanted to go there. Sometimes literally! One media outlet requested to send a crew to interview both my parents. I said no, that I would refuse to do the interview, if they did. They backed down once I set that boundary.

One news outlet said that if they did not include my parents in the story, their readers would, “not be able to handle it.” I pushed back on this and was told that they (the media) would be bombarded with emails and calls asking about my parents. I said, “So???” They said, “Well, you might be bombarded with questions about them, too.” And I said, “And you don’t think I’m used to that?” I set a boundary by saying, “If you need to contact my adoptive parents to do the article, then I’m not your person and my story isn’t the one for you.”

Recently, I was interviewed by Haley Radke on the Adoptees On podcast, and she said that she found the media coverage about my bio father and I refreshing because it was centered on us, and not my adoptive parents. She noted that this is not typically the case. I let her know that this was only because I fought for that, and set a strong boundary.  If the media had their way, it would have been different.

I say all this to let you know…nothing has changed in this regard. Nothing.

They still (even the liberal news media) focus on adoptive parents first, birth parents second, and IF they focus on the adoptee it is third, but many times we are not considered. The world is still very much adoptive parents centric.

I was assured multiple times that a story would be adoptee centric, but in every single case, it was never exclusively so, as they would push to include my adoptive parents in some regard.

Sadly an adoptee can be 56 years old, and they are still asking to “check in” with our parents. And they wonder why we say we feel like perpetual children?

I literally qualify to order off the freaking SENIORS MENU at a restaurant now and people are STILL CHECKING IN WITH MY PARENTS.

How crazy is this?

Fortunately for me, I am not trying to get news coverage. I can take it or leave it. Every person who has contacted me has been out of the blue and I have not sought it. If they want to include my adoptive parents in the piece, I can drop it and they can find someone else.

This just gets tiring. I really thought when I hit a certain age, this would stop. But it appears you can technically be in your senior years and people will insist on talking to Mommy and Daddy.

And nobody but us thinks this is bizarre?

     

When Will Adoptive Parents Listen to the Voice of the Adopted?

Lately I’ve had an interesting phenomenon with adoptive parents. There are some who read my book or blog and come to me and say something like this:

“I wanted to talk to you, to get your thoughts on how to help our daughter. She's a teenager. We thought we would never face the issues you describe. Things seemed to be fine. She never brought anything up about being adopted. And if she ever did, we thought our love would be enough to cover...and, of course, we've got the Lord. We loved, we prayed, we believed. And now...we are really at a loss as to what to do.  Because she is dealing with some of the post-adoption issues you describe, and more.  We're trying to get her to open up and talk to us about it, to get to the root of all this...but she’s shut down completely. She won't talk to us. She's acting out, and things are getting out of control. We’re fearful and worried. We don’t know how to help her. What do we do?”

Of course I tell these parents that I am not a therapist, and they need to get  help for their child, pronto.

But one theme seems to emerge…

A Complicated Question for Adoptees

“Where are you from?”

 It’s one of the most complicated questions I face.

 I wonder if other adoptees are as conflicted as I am about the question.

 Do they just quickly answer with one location, when  asked?

Most times, I just say, “I’m from Tampa.” (Which is where I live now.) And then people follow up with, “Oh, you were born and raised there?”

Then I’m left to explain why I come from multiple places.

As far as I know, I was conceived in Richmond, Virginia.

After that, my mother became homeless.

She was kicked out of her parent's home and landed at the Florence Crittenton Maternity home in Norfolk, Virginia.

As I share in my memoir, Worthy to Be Found, my mother describes that time as  "nine months of living hell."

After my birth, we both came back to Richmond, Virginia where my maternal family is from. I was in foster care for a while until I became a “viable” adoption. (Translation: It was determined I was healthy enough to adopt and was not going to be a poor investment of my adoptive parents investment paid to the Children’s Home Society.)

My mother tried to go home but was kicked out again for having been pregnant and having me and her sister, my Aunt Jeri* helped her survive that time.

I was adopted through the Children's Home Society of Virginia in Richmond.

See me in the reflection on the doors? Yep, I went back...several times.

We lived in Virginia for a short while, and then settled in Baltimore, Maryland where I spend the most of my growing up years.

Being asked, “Where are you from?” is a simple question for most, and makes for good start up conversation. But, for me -- an adoptee, to answer truthfully when I’m asked, makes for quite the loaded question. And then, when I do answer with the facts of the places I come from – it quickly segues into adoption in general and people tend to have a zillion questions. One's like...

“Do you know your real family?”

All of my family members are real.  

“How is your mother doing with all of this?”

They are referring to my adoptive mother 99.9% of the time. Okay, 100. This question pretty much guarantees I won’t end up being real close to this person that’s doing the questioning. Rarely is it endearing to me okay, never that a stranger cares more about what my adoptive mother thinks than they care about me -- the person they have actually met who is sitting in front of them. Yeahhhhh that is pretty cray cray. Not once has anyone ever asked, “How did you do with all of that?" People seem to be obsessed with what adoptive parents care about. Rarely do they think about the adoptee. Even when you're grown and have a mind of your own. 

“I have a niece who is adopted. Unlike you, she never wanted to search.”

Yippee for your niece. She may be able to sell you a fog machine if you are ever interested.
But I digress. Back to where I’m from…

While Baltimore very much feels like home, so does Richmond.
 It always has.

When I drive through the streets there, it’s a depth of feeling like I don’t have with any other city besides Baltimore and it’s been that way as long as I can remember. I feel a mix of emotions when journeying through the area, that I can’t fully describe. And I know to most people who are not adopted that would seem bizarre. Nevertheless all I can tell you is, since I was a very small child , I have always felt a wave of familiarity unlike anywhere else when we go through the streets there.

If you are not adopted and you ever want to ask an open ended question to an adoptee that cannot truly be answered quickly, just ask where they are from. And then, you might want to listen without asking ludicrous questions like how their mother, whom you have never met nor probably ever will, is doing regarding their adoption.

*Names of my maternal family are changed in my writings, out of respect to their privacy.

All photos by Deanna Doss Shrodes

A Little "I'm Sorry" Goes a Long Way

Okey dokey my friends...I can see the handwriting on the wall already about what the response will be to this post. Some of you will probably say, “Thank you soooo much for this, Deanna...it's better than sliced tomatoes in the summertime." And others of you will probably say, “HOW DARE YOU!!!”And some of you may say words I could not repeat without losing my ministerial license.

That’s okay. Let the chips fall where they may. I love chips. I’m sitting here eating some right now. You can’t have enough chips.

Many parents (whether natural or adoptive) wonder why there are such strained relationships with their adult children. And here’s what I want to say about that...

Photo credit: freedigitalphotos.net

 A little "I’m sorry" goes a long way.

We have the capacity to learn from every person and every situation. 
There’s no failure – only learning – IF WE CHOOSE TO LEARN.

I have learned from examples good and bad.

When I became a Mom I decided I was going to be extremely generous with two words: "I'm sorry."

I try to make a point to give an "I'm sorry" quickly when I realized I have just treated my children unfairly, raised my voice when it was uncalled for, said something hurtful, or done anything that could be detrimental to them.   

When it comes to giving an apology to my kids, it’s never been something I have a lot of angst over. 

Think about it: when has a true apology really harmed anyone? 
Usually it only helps.

I would rather err on the side of saying I'm sorry to my kids when it's needed,  than to miss out on apologizing when I need to. 

And when I give an apology, I’m committed to doing so without qualifiers. So for instance I don’t say, “I’m sorry I just screamed at you, but I’m really tired.” That’s not an apology that’s an excuse!

An actual apology goes like this: “I’m sorry I screamed at you. That was totally uncalled for. Please forgive me.”

When my kids were little and I shared this commitment with some people about being generous with saying I'm sorry,  some people advised me that I'd lose the kids' respect if I apologized a lot. They might begin to think I was weak, or not the one in charge. Well guess what? They are 24, 23 and 17 now and I’ve got a bit more time, wisdom and experience under my belt. Here’s what I want you to know about how things have turned out in our "apology generous" household:

Our kids LOVE to be with me, and with their Dad.

The kids and me -Mother's Day Lunch, 2014

Our two young adults don’t HAVE to go on vacation with us, but they ask if they can, every year.  We go on cruises or road trips and have an amazing time together.

My teenage daughter doesn’t HAVE to go on business/ministry trips with me. She asks to.

They don’t HAVE to ask, “What are you doing tonight, Mom? Let’s watch a movie together..." but they DO, all the time!

Jordan (23) & me on Mother's Day

My oldest two don’t have to do all the holidays with us. They WANT to. 

Yesterday was Memorial Day. They could have gone anywhere with friends, but what did they want to do? Spend it with me and their Dad! Jordan's friend, Sammy McDaniel, a pastor's son from Ft. Myers, came and spent the whole weekend with us. We started the day with my almost-famous sweet rolls, lay on the couches in the family room and watched The Monuments Men.  Savanna asked me to take her to Bealls Outlet and we went there for a while, then came back and grilled out. We had dinner together and talked for a long time before heading back to lay on the couches again to watch The Desolation of Smaug, and enjoy warm brownies out of the oven. Yeah, basically a perfect day.  Perfect for us, anyway.

Savanna wanted to take a selfie of us at church last week

My kids don’t HAVE to stay up late, talking with me until two in the morning. They WANT to.

So, this generous "I'm sorry" policy has worked preeeeeetty well for us.

What I Notice

Here’s what I see in adoption world.  

Adoptees weren’t the grown ups in the adoption scenario. We weren't the ones who made the decisions back then. And though we never made ANY of these decisions, so many adoptees are the ones who are expected to live apologetically and walk on eggshells.  And what many of us get from our parents (natural or adoptive) is not an apology, it's an excuse. A qualifier.

Maybe the excuse is REAL. But you know what? An excuse doesn't heal a relationship or a situation or help things move forward in any way.

Instead of, “I’m sorry," some of us hear…

I'm sorry, BUT...

YOU need to understand, I was under pressure...

YOU need to understand how things were back then...

YOU need to understand I didn't have a choice...

YOU need to understand…the agency never told us…never prepared us for what you would need...

YOU need to understand, we were told you were a blank slate who would adjust...

YOU need to understand that although you never got what you needed, neither did I…

Is it any wonder why some adoptees back away?

It seems that just a simple, "I'm sorry" are the hardest two words for some. Well, that and a natural father's first and last name.

My Dad and Me

In the past year my (adoptive) Dad and I have grown closer than ever before. We talk a lot more than we ever have.

You know what started that? He read my story here on the blog and at the conclusion of it, he said two words: “I’m sorry.”

Not I’m sorry, BUT.

Not I’m sorry, HOWEVER.

Just, “I’m sorry.”

No qualifiers.

No excuses.

Just an honest “I’m sorry," straight from his heart to mine.

It's amazing how my Dad and I can communicate so openly, now. So much healing has occurred. And the best is yet to come!

Where is the personal responsibility?

This is  main ingredient that is missing from so many relationships.

As soon as anyone starts talking like I am right now, someone pipes up with, “Do you have to be so judgmental?”

Deep breath. I’m about to lose some of you here, I know it. But here goes.

Anytime some people are called out on their behavior, they pull the judgment card. Truth be told, we all have to answer for our choices. We can try to avoid it but at some point we WILL be called to account, if not by people in this life, by God Himself. We can’t just make bad choices and then keep crying, “Why are people so judgmental?!” when we don’t like what we hear.

Am I called to be the judge of others? No. God is the judge. At the same time, I am called to judge what may be unhealthy or unwise for my own life. God asks us to forgive but He does not ask us to be a doormat. Sometimes it’s flat out unwise to trust someone who can’t seem to take any responsibility or give an apology. 

There’s a difference between forgiveness and trust. You can forgive someone but trusting them or having a different level of intimacy in your relationship is a different story.  I believe it's important to walk in forgiveness toward everyone.  Developing a close relationship with the person after the forgiveness is a separate issue. God expects us to forgive everyone but He does not necessarily expect us to be in close relationship, even if the person in question is a parent.

A close relationship is earned by developing trust over a period of time -- it is not automatic.

Some say, “Well, doesn’t the Bible say to honor your parents?” Yes, and what does honor mean? Respect certainly, and walking in forgiveness, but again – it doesn’t mean an automatic closeness. That kind of relationship is earned -- not demanded.
 
Maybe You've Already Tried It

If you're reading this and you're generous with genuine "I'm sorry's," to no avail...can I just say I am so sorry you are going through that?

If your son or daughter does not respond whatsoever and you have given an honest apology, my heart goes out to you. I know it's rough when you've taken this route in a relationship and it hasn't resulted in any progress.

I've shared it here many times before, but it bears repeating. One of my favorite scriptures is Romans 12:18: "If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone."

This means you do what you can do -- as far as it depends on you. 
As far as it depends on you -- apologize. 

Sometimes it will bring things closer together, other times not. But at least you tried.

If you haven't tried, why not?

If you fail to give any apologies without qualification, it’s not rocket science as to why things are tense in your relationship.

No relationship can survive without an apology at some point, because we are all human beings -- and we will all make a mistake at some point and have to ask forgiveness.

Saying two words has the potential to change your entire world. But you’ll never know unless you give them, and without an excuse attached.  

That will require dropping your pride, dealing with your pain, as well as humbling yourself.

Ducking now.

2 Requirements for Adoptee Breakthrough

Expressing feelings of pain or grief  is something adoptees aren’t supposed to do in regard to our adoptions.  Early on, we understand our job description well. It basically consists of two words:

Be grateful.

We are not to vocalize any feelings of loss or grief, one reason being that it may be perceived as speaking against what is proclaimed as a heroic choice.   

Adoptees are told by the people in our lives (and many times people who aren’t even in our lives and have no idea of our personal circumstances) that our natural mother made a heroic choice -- the greatest choice- the most unselfish choice. We are assured that what she displayed in giving us up, was true love.

As children this left many of us perplexed. 

This Adoptive Parent Made Me Cry

When I started Adoptee Restoration, I was concerned about how some of my friends would react  – particularly the ones who are adoptive parents. (AP's) I thought for sure some would take me off of their Christmas card list.

I never desire to hurt anyone by what I write -- ever! And, especially not long term friends I have developed a great love for over the years. At the same time, I knew God was calling me to write on this subject. My heart went through a tug of war over how much to bare my soul on the issues.

Although the response has varied, I have been pleasantly surprised by the reaction. It has brought me closer to quite a number of my AP friends, instead of further away. With open hearts and conversations we can build a bridge rather than a wall.

Yesterday, I received this letter from a long time friend, who is an  AP with young children in a closed adoption.  She reads my posts here faithfully and sometimes asks me questions privately in follow up. I was so overwhelmed to receive this letter from her last night, it brought me to tears. I asked if I could share it and right away, she said yes. 

(Names besides mine are changed.)

"We Didn't Want Reunion, So We Chose Openness Instead." An Interview with Adoptive Parent, Lori Holden

Lori Holden

Today I’m interviewing the lovely Lori Holden, known in blog world as Lori Lavender Luz.  Lori is a contributing author of Adoption Reunion in the Social Media Age. She’s someone I’ve really come to appreciate in the adoption world and if you haven’t met her yet, you need to!  

 Lori is an adoptive parent who has actually written a book with her daughter’s birth mom. How cool is that?

Lori and I have the pleasure of interviewing one another on our blogs today as part of the Blog Tour for the book release. I was so excited when I found out we had been matched up together, for this writing project!  Lori is the writer of the chapter: “We Didn’t Want Reunion, So We Chose Openness Instead.” 

Deanna: Lori, why do you believe people would think a purposeful reunion, spearheaded by adoptive parents to be “crazy”?

The Epic Fail: NPR's Transracial Adoption Interview

Angela Tucker

Last week, NPR requested to interview my friend and fellow Lost Daughters blogger, Angela Tucker,  on the issue of transracial adoption. 

Angela was the perfect choice for their interview, not only because she is a transracial adoptee but also because of her powerful story that has been chronicled in the documentary, Closure.  

After completing the interview, NPR made the decision to not feature Angela's interview. Instead, they featured a white adoptive parent – Rachel Garlinghouse, to discuss the issues transracial adoptees face.  Even the title of Garlinghouse's blog, White Sugar, Brown Sugar, is offensive. The sad reality is, many in our world today still need to be educated as to why such a title is problematic. Evidently, Garlinghouse herself doesn't get it.

Why I Am Going to Keep My (Adoptive) Mother Guest Blogger: Karen Caffrey

She's been interviewed here before. 
Today's guest blogger is one of my favorite adoptees. 

One of my favorite therapists.

One of my favorite people in the world.

Welcome again to Adoptee Restoration... Karen Caffrey, LPC, JD

***

Karen Caffrey, LPC, JD

My mom has been on my mind a great deal lately.  As some of you know, I have recently become involved again in the adoptee rights movement.  The last time I did this so intensely it was 1998.  That was when my mom still drove.  When she still walked.  When she still smiled and laughed.  When she still remembered me, and my brother, and other people she knew and loved.  It was before she became so, well, still.

I think of her when I speak with legislators about the need to re-establish the right of access, which I had when I was born and adopted in Connecticut.  Sometimes I tell them stories about my mom.  About how she supported me.  And about the things she said and did.  About how I knew she had my back.

Then I read this post of Deanna’s about adoptive parents who deliberately, deliberately I say, adopted children from foreign countries because they thought they could avoid the grim reaper their child’s need to know their origins.  And I decided I wanted to tell those people, and the rest of you, about my mother.

What I Could Have Said to This Adoptive Parent...And Didn't. (Until Now.)

 “One of the main reasons we adopted our son from Korea was so we don't ever have to worry about the reunion stuff…”

Photo Credit: Okasafa, Flickr

This was said to me earlier this year by an acquaintance I hadn’t connected with since college.  A mutual friend had forwarded one of my blog posts to her and she wrote a note and sent it to me in response. The topic of my post was navigating the challenges of reunion. Her reaction to what I wrote was that she was grateful she would never have to deal with her son reuniting with his original family because she and her husband adopted from Korea.

 

When Adoptive Parents or Authority Figures Tell A Child's Story

 When it comes to telling their child's story, many adoptive parents start with "Our arms were empty...we struggled with infertility, and so..."

Or they say,"We never struggled with infertility. We just love adoption and had it in our hearts to be a blessing to a child...and that's how the story began..."

The adoptive parent's personal story may start that way. 

But their child's story doesn't start with them.

The adopted child's story always starts with another mother and father besides his or her adoptive parents, and a whole different maternal and paternal extended family.

The beginning part of a child's story should never be erased, in order to make others comfortable.

And, the child's story is not for an adoptive parent, or any other adult, to tell.

A child is the owner of his or her personal story.

When it comes to an adoptive parent or other authority figure (social worker, pastor, Sunday School teacher, friend of family, etc.) the child is rendered powerless to tell them to stop telling their story. Or, to stop telling it their way.

So,  most times the adoptee smiles and nods, or they are quiet.
Or they meekly stuff it down and go on.

Attention Adoptive Parents: This is How It's Done

One of the goals of my blog is to expand the Christian understanding of adoption. This includes helping adoptive parents gain understanding of what their son/daughter may be feeling and experiencing.

With transparency being my foremost writing style, I quickly realized the level of honesty in my posts was too much to handle at times for many adoptive parents and some people in general. Others say reading my posts has “saved them” whether it be from making a mistake to losing their mind. While I certainly don’t consider myself a savior of any sort, I am grateful my words have been a blessing to a number of people.

With that said, I want to highlight an adoptive parent today who everyone could something learn from. That person is my father ~ Leon Doss. 

Dad and Me, April 1967

My Dad and I haven’t always seen eye to eye on everything. 
Many days we've gone head to head. 
Or toe to toe. (Enough cliches already?)

We've really had our share of ups and downs. (There's one more for  ya!)