Adoption and Coming to a Place of Peace

“The odds are that everyone sitting in this classroom today will not make it through this course. Some of you will drop out because it will become  uncomfortable to deal with the issues that will be brought up in this class.” 

This was said by my professor this past semester in a Christian counseling course I took as part of my bridge work toward my doctorate.

The professor was right. I recall three people who dropped out mid-way through the course. And among those who didn’t, it became emotional at times. I cried during two of the lectures and I remember glancing over at my colleague who is another minister about my age – a big strong man. There he sat at his desk with his head in his hands, handkerchief up to his eyes, weeping.

What was going on? A considerable amount of processing our past.  

The Adoption-Reconstruction Phase Theory: Where I'm At With It Today

I know some people take great offense to this theory. Not to the graphics, (thank you Amanda Woolston/TDA for a great job in creating the graphic) but the content. I write this post not to hurt anyone at all, simply sharing how my thoughts have evolved about the theory over time.

I didn’t know what I used to think or feel about it and have mulled it over a lot. Here is what I have come to believe, and of course it's my observation and opinion, and well – it’s just that – what one person thinks.

I realize this graphic shows a very brief summary of what is a large body of  work. There’s so much more to it. But I want to speak in general today of what I think/feel when I look at this today versus many months ago.

There are times I have bounced around and fluctuated between all of the phases. I think that happens because of triggers, and from what I understand, that is normal.  A huge trigger can put me in phase 3 pretty quick, and thankfully I now have tools to help guide me out of that and into a peaceful place.

I also believe that working through and finding peace doesn’t necessarily mean acceptance that what happened was right, fair, etc.  Acceptance can be a place of peace that this is what happened that you can do nothing about – BUT – you can be at peaceful and successful, and not be stuck in life.

Observing many in the adoptee and first parent community, what I notice – and this should be no shock – is simply that those who get real help fare better  than those who do not. And my observation is also that most don't get real help, which is sad.

With all that said, I’m glad I insisted upon getting help. It took courage because so many people think we don’t need it and even ridicule us for getting it. In their minds, it would be like winning the lottery and going to counseling over it.

They. Have. No. Idea.

It takes fortitude to press beyond the jeers of, “Explain to me again what you’re upset about or why you’re getting counseling..?”

Maybe that’s why so many people don’t pursue help. They may have to wade past a lot of emotional abuse to get it. I understand that and have faced my share of it.

To add insult to injury some people show up and have a therapist tell them they don’t understand why they are there. It’s devastating. Thankfully times are changing in that regard.

To summarize my thought today – getting the right help is so important for adoptees. And my observation is that those who have had the most help, move forward the most. That should be a no brainer except for the fact that so many people are still doing it on their own, all the while emotionally bleeding. And some don't even realize the trail they leave behind, why it exists and how it's affecting others.

   

Are You Using Instant Therapy Spray?

While I was on vacation, I spotted this gag gift in a store and it brought a hearty chuckle.

As funny as it was to see this “instant therapy spray”, it reminded me of how many broken or even traumatized people think they can become whole without help.

Just like crash diets don’t work, neither does suppression, pasting on a smile, or living in denial.

“Stopping by to talk to the pastor” doesn’t work either.  I’ve been a minister for 28 years and although I have the utmost respect for pastors, they aren’t the same as therapists. Pastors give biblical counsel, not therapy – unless they are also licensed professional therapists. I know a few pastors who have that training and licensing, but most don’t.   

Adoptees and Anger Toward Our Natural Mothers (And Others) A Conversation With Rebecca Hawkes

Rebecca Hawkes

Today I'm collaborating with one of my favorite people...Rebecca Hawkes!  Unless you just crawled out from a rock entered adoption world, you already know her. Rebecca's writing is well known in our community.  If you're finding her here for the first time, let me introduce you to a lady with a tremendous amount of depth. I love having conversations with people who can go to the depths, with no fear, and she's one such person. She's also all things kind and compassionate. Today we're talking about something that's a really touchy subject, and that is -- anger toward our natural moms. We do not share this with any malice or vengeful spirit. We come with open hearts to give understanding and hope that we will be received with open hearts in return. Let's get started.

Deanna: Rebecca, I had the wonderful opportunity to have lunch with you in person the other day (!!!!!!) It was amaaaaaazing to get to do that. I'm really excited to partner with you for this conversation here at Adoptee Restoration, and share our thoughts about an important topic: anger we adoptees often feel toward our natural mothers, for various reasons. And particularly what we go through in the rollercoaster that is reunion. 

Rebecca:  I agree about the lunch. I wish we could do that regularly! Darn geography!

Anger is an interesting topic for me because if you’d asked me a few years ago if I had anger toward either of my original parents I would have insisted that I didn’t. Someone even commented on my blog once asking me why I didn’t seem to have anger toward any of my parents, though I did clearly have anger directed (appropriately, I think) at the adoption industry and many of its practices. I answered, “I don’t know. I just don’t.”

And that was my story until the day when this post erupted out of me. Here’s a piece of what I wrote in that Lost Daughter's post. 

I have explored grief and loss. I have mourned and cried till I was wrung dry. I have expressed anger toward the system that caused my separation from my original family. I have raged against culture, society, my biological grandmother, and Georgia Tann. But I have never allowed myself to fully explore (or even admit to) my anger at my birth parents.  

What held me back in this area? I confess that I still have a high level of personal discomfort with anger, especially my own anger. Is that discomfort tied to my seemingly deep-seated fear of rejection? If I am angry, am I unloveable? 

Deanna's Trauma Toolkit

As promised in my last post, I’m sharing things today from my personal trauma toolkit. Some of these cost money, and some cost nothing but your time and commitment to pursue.

I’m not a therapist. That may be the 8,426,156th time I've said that, here. I’m just a fellow traveler on this journey of life. So, what I share with you in my next post is gonna sorta be like, “Overcoming Trauma for Dummies”. In other words, here are some things that help me in this process, in no particular order:

Therapy

No excuses. I have a responsibility to heal, not just for me, but for others around me. Therapy makes it possible for others to co-exist with me, and not require therapy because of me.

Many people say, “I can’t afford therapy.”

What costs more?  Therapy? Or a breakdown?

What costs more? Therapy? Or having a marriage destroyed or kids traumatized because their mother or father never got help?

Contact every therapist within driving distance of your home, until you find one that fits your needs.  Inquire about their financial policies, and also ask them questions regarding their experience in counseling those who have faced complex trauma, significant loss and complicated grief.

Keep going. Don’t contact a few -- become discouraged, and give up. If I would have stopped pressing on in my personal e-mail and phone campaign, I would have never found Melissa Richards!

Need advice on finding the right therapist? Check out what Bonnie Martin, MEd, CACS, LCPC,  has to say about that, here.  

Happy Traumaversary! Complex Trauma Recovery: One Year Later

One year ago today, Thursday, February 28, 2013 – I experienced one of the traumas that contributed to the complex trauma, and significant loss  I experienced throughout my life, and entered therapy for.

Last year on this day, I was overcome with such grief, it was all I could do to get out of bed in the mornings and brush my teeth. I've got a rhyming anointing... 

What a difference a year makes!

 “Happy” traumaversary? 

Am I crazy? 

According to my therapist, no. 

Not at all. 

Not the least little bit. 
 

In fact, she says–I'm doing amaaaaaaazing. 

Eight months after beginning therapy, our time together came to a close because I was doing too well to come back anymore.

So...why do I say, “Happy traumaversary”? Because after all I’ve been through, there's so much to be happy about! 

I’m not just limping along or barely getting by.

 I’m soaring!

Even though no one else in the situation changed, unless you count dying I’ve changed.

What's So Great About Being an Older Adoptee? (Not Old! Just A Bit Older.)

“Who are you?”

My friend of many years said this to me, just a few months ago. And, she didn't mean it in a negative way. She was saying that she didn’t recognize who I'd become. 

“Seriously…who are you, Deanna?” she went on… “Because, whatever this change is...can I just say that I'm loving it…?”

Yeah. Me too.

This is an amazing season. I wish I had entered it years ago although I’m not sure it would have been possible. Maybe it would have been if I could have found a therapist like Melissa Richards, sooner. But the older aspect? Well,  being older only comes through…aging. Brilliant, Deanna! This is why people read your blog, to find such revelations, like the fact that being older only happens by aging.

Could I have learned these lessons without more life experience?

I don’t know. There’s a lot of "I don’t knows" today, if you hadn’t noticed.

I do know this -- some of this is not about being adopted.

There’s something that happens when you enter your forties, that seems to be common. And I hear it becomes even fiercer in your fifties, though I’m not there yet. My friends who are there tell me to buckle up, hold on to the bar and get ready! Well, actually they warn Larry more than me...

There's this “thing” that happens to you as your body begins to change -- so do a lot of other things. You tend to not give a rip about things you used to freak out about. In mid-life, a new-found confidence seems to indwell whereby you can finally face your worst fears in order to live true.

Maybe it's that you have less time to face them, and you are more cognizant of that, daily...I don't know. There's that pesky "I don't know," again. 

I know this. There are things I have done the last year that I would have never done, in my young adult adoptee life.

Steve Jobs and Post-Adoption Pain (It's SO Obvious, People!!)

Countless graphics have crossed my Facebook page lauding the fact that Steve Jobs was a history maker, and adopted.

Ones like this:

Last week I finally got around to watching the movie, Jobs.   I was tied up with work projects when the movie came out and couldn’t get to it. All this time it’s been on my mind to get it at Redbox and the other night my husband finally brought it home for us to watch. 

One thought kept coming to my mind the whole movie.

How come I haven't heard even one person comment on the obvious?

The movie is one humongous post adoption issue screaming in your face!!

Mark Your Calendars and Come Join Me!

Click to Enlarge

 

I've never attended an inner healing conference.

I've never hosted one.

In fact, when God impressed on my heart to lead one, I'd never even heard of such a thing.

Shortly after I had the thought during prayer many months ago that I was supposed to do this, people started asking me to. No, they didn't say, "Deanna, we want you to host an inner healing conference..." but what they did say was worded in such a way that it was basically what they were asking for. 

"Deanna, I wish you could get everybody together for a weekend conference that is focused on moving forward from hurts that we face..."

"Deanna, have you thought about planning a retreat where adoptees could focus on healing? I would like that very much..."

When Mothers Defend Their Right to Stay Unhealed

Karen Caffrey, LPC, JD, wrote an amazing post this past week at Adoption VoicesMagazine that had me dancing around the room.

At the same time, the post had some mother's panties in a bunch.

 

Photo Credit: Dogfaceboy, Flickr

If you haven’t read, “Birthmothers and the Responsibility to Heal,” you might want to exit out of here right now and go read it. 

And comment on it.

It’s that important.

Ready, set, go!

Leave this blog, comment, go potty, get a cup of coffee, and come back and cozy up with me. I don't bite. At least not on Wednesdays.

Okay, now that you’re back…

I don't even know where to start in sharing what I adore about Karen's post. I like this post so much, I ate it for breakfast, shredded on top of my oatmeal this morning. Super good, people. 

Things People Say to Adopted People

Being a pastor, I have a front row seat into people’s lives both good and bad. I rejoice with them in good times and weep with them in times of sorrow.

Photo Credit: ST33VO, Flickr

I’ve comforted a lot of people as they have received news of everything from a death in the family to a diagnosis of cancer. 

With all of these tragedies, I can safely tell you that I have never said things like:

Does It Bring You Abundant Life?

One of the post-adoption issues my therapist worked with me on was an eating disorder. Up until the day my natural mother died, I had not conquered that issue. In fact I had never managed to go more than 21 days without regressing.

Photo Credit: Sam Howzit, Flickr

 
That all changed the day my natural mother died.

I’m not saying I’ve arrived. 

Not boasting here and making a triumphant announcement of perfection or anything like that. This isn't my first rodeo with post-adoption issues or stupidity.

What I can tell you is that for the longest time, ever in my life…60 days as of today, I have not regressed.  **happy dance**

Wheeling my suitcase out of hospice, I remember thinking to myself, "I will never be the same again." 

And with God's help, I'm not.

I was changed and never looked back.

Tragic News For My Critics: My Therapist Said Goodbye.

Goodbyes are hard for me as an adoptee.

I was afraid of this day coming.

Photo Credit: Eje Gustaffson, Flickr

I love going to therapy more than teenage boys love Axe. 

Being in therapy hasn’t only helped my adoption related issues -- it has touched every area of my life. I had considered keeping a monthly session scheduled with Melissa simply to help me in dealing with ministry related issues. 

 I believe therapy should be something we all do, like wearing deodorant.

One day recently Melissa delivered the news: “Deanna, it’s time for us to work toward closure with your therapy.”

“WHAT???” 

I almost fell off the couch.