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| Photo Credit: KetuGajjur, FlickR |
When I started this blog, I expected to gather some adoptees together for healing, and hopefully educate some Christians in the process. I've been overwhelmed and humbled by unexpected responses. Many educators, social workers, licensed professional counselors and therapists (both Christians and non-Christians) have reached out to me to thank me for what I write here.
Over and over I hear, "You're doing an important work here, Deanna. Please, don't stop."
I
believe adoptees are the experts on adoption because we are the ones who actually live it. But
we're not alone in understanding the complicated realities of adoption. Many experts possessing specialized education, professional experience and licensing also believe and declare what many of us adoptees know to
be true.
I am going to feature them in a series of posts to come, entitled, "Ask a Therapist". I'm incredibly excited to introduce the first therapist to be interviewed -- a personal friend of over 25 years. I admire her so much, for many reasons, one of which is the work she is doing all around the world in bringing hope and healing.
Bonnie Martin, MEd, CACS, LCPC is a therapist specializing in psychotherapy for adults, young adults and adolescents. Her more extensive bio is featured at the end of this interview.
Deanna: Bonnie, I am so honored to have you share today at Adoptee Restoration. Speaking from
personal experience as well as hearing many other adoptees' stories, it can be
difficult to find Christians and even Christian therapists who understand the
significant loss and trauma related to adoption. Why is this?
Bonnie: There is a little known
psychological term called “spiritual bypass”.
Spiritual Bypass is when we engage in religious beliefs and activities
in order to avoid or cover up unmet needs, deep wounds or hidden fears. In the church, adoption is most often viewed
as a righteous, selfless act of rescue or a ministry or higher calling. The
glorification of the act of adopting unfortunately results in “bypassing” the
fact that separation from biological parents, at any stage of development, is
traumatic.
It is also often the case
that adoption meets a significant need in those who seek to adopt. This places a great responsibility on the
adoptee. Any expression of trauma, loss or grief, or identity exploration by
adopted children can be misinterpreted as rejection of the adopted parent(s). When this happens, the result is usually an
inappropriate role reversal in the parent/child relationship. The child is responsible
for the parent’s unmet needs instead of vice versa. Such a child will either
comply with the rules of engagement, suffering tremendous anxiety or the child
will refuse the role reversal and act out, appearing as
angry/rebellious/ungrateful.
Acknowledging and accepting
that emotional pain and identity confusion can be significant for the adopted
child will mean a paradigm shift for the church. It will mean viewing adoption
more as a painful separation of the relationship that God intended, and less as
a glorious act of salvation. I would
encourage anyone seeking help to find a state licensed therapist who is a
Christian as opposed to a Christian counselor who is not licensed by the state
governing body. Licensure usually ensures a level of education and specific
course work appropriate in addressing the complicated emotions and
psychological implications of adoption.
Deanna: In your practice/experience, do you find that
attitudes are changing at all? Are people starting to embrace the idea that
trauma is related to adoption?
Bonnie: The church, in particular, has
done a lot of changing the last 30 years. In general we are doing better at
acknowledging and addressing emotional and psychological pain as more than just
a “spiritual problem”.
The rights of the adopted have
been and are continuing to be heard and changes in policies are reflecting a
more compassionate and empowering approach.
The church is guilty of
engaging in collective spiritual bypass when it comes to understanding the
trauma of children separated from their parents. Abuse and abortion are two
issues of particular relevance. We often downplay or deny the painful
experience of adoptees by comparing adoption to abuse or abortion. We have a
long way to go to remedy this unfortunate approach. When we make such
comparisons we do much harm to the very children we seek to save.
Deanna: If you could say anything to people, Christians
in particular, about those dealing with significant losses, what would it be?
Bonnie: Never say, “God will be glorified in
this.”
Say instead, “I am so
sorry. I know you are hurting. Talk to me.”
Never say,“Everything happens for a
reason.” "All things work together."
Say instead, “This never
should have happened. It is not right.”
Never say,“Forgiveness is a choice.
It will set you free.
Say instead, “You have a
right to be angry.”
Never say, “You need to have faith. God has a plan.”
Say instead, “I am as
confused by this as you are.”
Never say, "All you need is Jesus."
Say instead, “I am here.
And I will be here tomorrow. I am not going anywhere.”
Never say,“How are you feeling, I
have been praying for you.”
Say instead, “Let’s go get
ice cream. I have been thinking about you.”
Deanna: Amazing wisdom there! There are those who say, "Even if adoption
has trauma attached to it, this happened when these adults were children. They
need to just build a bridge and get over it." What would you say in
response to that?
Bonnie: I would say to look
carefully at the cross. Really look at it. Satan did not just want to kill the
Son of God, he wanted the Son of God to suffer and he wanted to shame him. He
stripped Jesus naked, spit on him, mocked him, pulled out hair from his beard,
beat him, nailed his hands so he could not cover his face. All on the highest
point in town on the biggest holiday of the year. Christ suffered immense
physical and psychological pain. But Satan did not stop there. He knew the most
pain he could cause to the Son of God would be emotional. It would involve
Jesus feeling abandoned by the one whose life was inextricably tied to his, and
feeling rejected by the one who loved him most. The most painful moment of the
crucifixion was when the Son of God felt abandoned and rejected by his own
father. It was Satan’s most triumphant
moment.
Understand that, like all
effects of life in a fallen world, there is no “getting over” such a
foundational loss. There will be moments of reprieve but the grief, the shame,
the trauma will revisit time and again. Such waves of pain are normal for such
abnormal separation. Learn to be comfortable in the suffering of your adopted son
or daughter or friend and you will be a continuous balm in a wound that will
really never heal this side of heaven.
Deanna: Do you have any advice for
adoptees that are looking for therapists who will understand the loss related
to adoption?
Bonnie: I would advise a state
licensed professional counselor who has studied complex trauma, psychodynamic
theory, attachment focused therapy and/or complicated grief.
Finding a good therapist is
like finding a good pair of shoes. You may have to try a few on for size until
you find the right fit.
Healing will be cyclical
and developmental milestones or major loss can trigger emotional states that
you thought you had moved past and healed from. This is normal, so building a
long-term relationship with one therapist is helpful. You may not need therapy
for long periods of time, but when you do you can go to someone you trust and
who already knows your story.
Bonnie Martin, M.Ed., CACS, Director,
Seraphim Global, Mental Health and Psychosocial Services, is a Licensed Professional Counselor
and Therapist Supervisor in Maryland and Virginia. Bonnie specializes in
complex trauma and has an extensive background in working with victims of
violence, exploitation and human trafficking. She has worked internationally
for 13 years to reduce the effects of trauma on interpersonal relationships,
learning, and rule of law in stress-affected societies. Her work focuses on
building the psychosocial capacity of community based organizations.
In order to break cycles of conflict and
instability at individual, community and society levels, Bonnie incorporates
culturally specific strength-based approaches for motivating behavioral change
and building trauma resiliency. Bonnie
spent seven years in the field, developing a culturally sensitive, holistic
model for the prevention, intervention and treatment of traumatic stress that
is based on the most current neuroscientific research. She provides systemic training for
corporations, government agencies, professionals, paraprofessionals and grass
roots organizations. She also provides consultation and quality assurance
measurements for stakeholders and funders. Her field experience includes the
countries of India, South Africa, Swaziland, Serbia, Russia, Bolivia, Colombia,
Thailand, Haiti, Nepal and the United States.
