April 3, 2013

The Night I Melted Down at the Movies

Two years ago my husband took me on a date to see the movie October Baby. He had no idea the trigger that would result or he would have never made this choice. He doesn't take me on dates to slay me emotionally.


Photo Credit: Sarah_Ackerman, Creative Commons

The movie portrayed a late discovery (young adult) adoptee, Hannah, who found out she was adopted only because of serious medical issues that arose. She had always felt that something was amiss, her journal revealing a young lady feeling out of place and depressed. One day during a theatrical performance, she collapsed on stage, resulting in the family doctor encouraging her parents to tell her the truth of her origin. Her parents always felt it best that she not know about her adoption due to circumstances of her conception and birth. (She was birthed after a botched abortion. Her twin did not survive.)

After disclosure about her adoption she began to search for her original mother while her adoptive father did everything in his power to stop it.  He even forced her (young adult) boyfriend to break up with her because he had assisted her in the quest to go on a trip (without her parents permission - gasp!) to find her original mother. 

Perhaps what bothered me most was that toward the end, Hannah's adoptive father did apologize for his actions and “set her free” (as if it was ever his choice or decision) for her to find her original mother, but in his apology he basically said, “I’m sorry I reacted this way but it was just because I love you soooo much.”

I glanced around me and noticed a theater full of people crying. Not for the same reason I was. By the looks on their faces it was as though they were touched by his apology.

I was like…. “Whaaaaaaat?”  

More than what was portrayed on the screen, I was grieved by the vibes I got from the people around me who all seemed to think this was beautiful. What I saw on the screen was manipulation and control on the part of the father who tried everything possible to keep secrets and control his daughter.

It’s kind of like an abusive husband saying, “I’m sorry I held you down against your will and prevented you from leaving, but I did it because I love you soooo much.”


There’s nothing beautiful about that, but when it concerns adoption, some people have a different standard. They understand adoptive parents who keep secrets “for the good of their children” and exert measures of control to keep secrets, or hold on fiercely to what they believe is exclusively theirs. 

*Spoiler alert*

The movie ends with Hannah finding her original mother who turns her away. After meeting with a priest, Hannah decides to forgive her original mother.  After  hugging her adoptive parents and thanking them for “wanting her when no one else did," Hannah walks away glancing back as her father glows with pride, as she strolls arm in arm with the boyfriend who was earlier forbidden but has now received her father's blessing. People in the theater dabbed their eyes with Kleenex like, “ohhhh how amazzzzinnnngggg…the Dad let the boyfriend come back to her…” (I was about to drop kick someone!! It was not his choice to let her date anyone. She was an adult.)

This left me undone.

What was the worst to me were the koolaid drinkers who thought this was something of beauty. I wanted to get up and scream. But alas, I was a blubbering mess. Those around me probably thought I was touched by the message, too.  [Sigh] I should have given a message in tongues and interpreted it myself, "Oh my children, this is craziness thus saith the Lord Your God...disregard everything you have just seen in this theater, oh my people...especially the very, very bad man on the screen who calls himself a father..."

My husband wanted to go out for ice cream afterwards. Bad move. We've just watched my definition of a horror flick and he was thinking about chocolate chip cookie dough.  I was in no shape to do that but said yes anyway. We sat at a little table at the ice cream place and he gently probed to ask me what was so upsetting to me. Brave man.

Some adoptees will understand that it upset me that he had to even ask me what was so devastating! I thought, "doesn’t he just know what is wrong with this, on so many levels?"

He viewed the movie through a different lens than me. 
I know that. 
He doesn't see it through adoptee eyes.

He said, “Help me understand, Deanna. Please, tell me what's wrong...” 

Photo Credit: StevenDepolo, Creative Commons

All I could do was cry. And cry. And cry.

The napkins that were supposed to catch the chocolate sprinkles falling from my ice cream cone were now catching the tears falling from my eyes.  

We went home and I curled up in a fetal position no making love after this date and cried all night.

I was struck with the horror of how many people out there still have no idea about why stories like this are not beautiful. They are not lovely. They are not Christ-like. 

 Psalm 30:5 says, “weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning.” 

I woke up the next morning and said, "Okay, I can't just lay here and cry. I need to connect with people who understand." I got online and connected with the adoptee community. 

My friend Kathryn says there's a gift in everything. The gift from my awful experience with October Baby is that I can give thanks for all of the relationships I've developed in the adoptee community.

As amazing as that is, it's not enough. 

Injustice cries out. 

Those of us who are aware, must speak. 
We must speak up for those who are too little to speak. 
We must speak up for those who know and are still too afraid to speak.
And, we must speak up for those who aren't aware yet.

We must speak up for the Hannah's.  Ironically, some people think they already have.

My thoughts almost two years later in reflection are this:

Photo Credit: ARCanoe, Creative Commons

Secrets are NEVER good.

Ever.  It doesn’t matter how tragic someone’s beginning is -- Rape? Botched abortion? Incest?  Tell. The. Truth. The adoptee can handle it. Chances are, like Hannah,  they already know something is not right. They know they are different. And they are just waiting for somebody to finally tell them the truth. They can handle more than people think they can. What they cannot deal with are secrets.

 Control, manipulation, abuse = NEVER good.

Even in the name of baby-saving, even in the name of God, even in the name of love. Especially in the name of love. There’s not anything loving about it. Ever. Please do not ever “keep things from people for their own good.” 

None of us “own” our kids whether by birth or adoption.   

In my faith tradition, when pastors perform what is known as infant/child dedications, we generally remind the parents that none of us own our children. They belong to God. We are simply stewards of them while they are still children, and when they become adults, they make their own decisions.  As we dedicate the children to God, we admonish parents to raise them well, and urge them to remember that ultimately they are God’s children.  No human being “owns” another. Or should own another. I think one reason it’s hard for some adoptive parents to remember this is, when you pay up to 50K for someone, or  you jump through so many other hoops to acquire them, you feel entitled. You want ownership. [sigh] But nothing good has ever come from a human being ever owning another human being. 

Control is a factor long after adoptees are adults. 

For instance, Hannah needed her father’s “blessing” to enter back into relationship with her boyfriend. Her adoptive father and mother intervened and were subsequently involved in her search for her original mother -- without asking her permission.  I have heard adoptive parents who may believe they are just being supportive say, “when they are adults, my children will have opportunity to search if they so desire, with my help.” Or, "We will search, together." Red flag. I wonder: why do they automatically assume they are entitled to be a part of the search?  On one hand some might think, “They are just being helpful…isn’t that what adoptive parents should do?” Yes, an offer of help is good.  But a presumption of involvement is another thing altogether. 

At the end of the day, it’s the adoptee’s journey and they should call the shots once they're adults. Period.


 The end doesn’t justify the means.  

As most readers of this blog know, I’m pro-life. Many of my friends strongly supported this movie. They claim it’s theme of life as well as forgiveness trumps anything else. I understand that in their eyes, these themes override other aspects of the movie that are problematic. That doesn’t work for me. There is so much about the film that is not at all what Jesus would do, that I cannot support it simply for it’s pro-life and forgiveness value.  

There’s so much more I could say I know you’re not surprised, but finally… I’m glad Hannah survived a botched abortion but woefully sad that she was also treated like dirt once she was born. 

Comments (22)

Loading... Logging you in...
  • Logged in as
Ah ha! I see ... this movie was the catalyst so-to-speak for you connecting with the adoptee community! Seeing so many people who simply didn't "get it," prompted you to find those who do. ... And what is so great is to see you now turning around, reaching a hand out to help others understand, as well.

I love this idea that we don't own our children, we can watch over them, but they are not OURS. If we think of it this way, we can see our children as the true small humans that they are, with real thoughts, feelings and desires. Thanks for this reminder!

Laura
My recent post Adoptee memoir–The Sound of Hope
1 reply · active 650 weeks ago
Laura,

As painful as the movie was for me to experience, I'm so glad I did. I wouldn't have you in my life right now had I not watched that movie. The first site I landed on was Lost Daughters. <3

Love you
My recent post The Night I Melted Down
Rob Mcclntock's avatar

Rob Mcclntock · 650 weeks ago

Thanks for sharing another difficult moment with us. i am still trying to make sense of my feelings and reading your posts have helped me face some and deal with others. I have a long way to go but just knowing you're out there and have gone through things that I have a hard time explaining to others is a comfort. I so wish I could join you on the 13th but a little too far to go for just the weekend. However I am planning on being in Atlanta in August to show my support. Thanks again Deanna you are a blessing to many of us.

Rob
1 reply · active 650 weeks ago
Rob,

I'm still trying to make sense of my feelings too! Please know you're not alone. I'm not sure that ever goes away for many of us adoptees. We are still trying to make sense of things that don't add up in so many ways. I have a long way to go too.

I am planning on being in Atlanta in August too! I can't wait to meet you!

Blessings,
~Deanna
My recent post The Night I Melted Down
Lesley Earl's avatar

Lesley Earl · 650 weeks ago

thanks for your insight re October Baby...I had all the same problems with the film plus (I'm pro chioce) so saw it as a real number done on abortion. It was recomended viewing by someone on one of the adoption forums I was participating in. I was only able to be a compliant adoptee until hormones hit as a teenager. To this day I do not handle well being told (ordered) what to do by anyone...The adults and professionals in my life regularly blew their responsibilities in regards to decisions they made for and about my life and to this day I still struggle with orders.
1 reply · active 650 weeks ago
Lesley,

It's good to hear other pro-lifers weigh in on this. I think one of the most frustrating things to me is realizing that they put all this money and effort into something that doesn't really move the cause of pro-life along.

I too was a compliant adoptee (any rellion for me = passive aggressive/behind the scenes) but when I became an adult I totally broke free.
My recent post The Night I Melted Down
Tears are landing on my un-made bed as I write this :) Love you and sorry about the trauma of that horrible-sounding movie that I will never see, thanks to you. Thank you for writing about this!
1 reply · active 650 weeks ago
Lynn,

I'll never forget melting down and reaching out at Lost Daughters and you saying, "I wish you lived here. I'd invite you over." That meant the world to me.

I have this "horrible-sounding movie" to thank that I know you today. :) I am so grateful. <3

Love you lots
My recent post The Night I Melted Down
I hear you loud and clear. At 54 i am still healing from dishonesty of my parents with holding my birth parents identity. Mom told me 5 years after dad was gone. Then i got told what they felt necessary and it closed up as a secret. My cousins and another aunt and uncle knew. Tight lipped. Only when i came would i find out anything. I learned my cousin brother knew but my now only my sister cousin doesn't kniw and my birth mother threatened me legally. I wanted to out in the open. I have waited 10 years and at 54 i have only now have the courage to be telling her. I don't want to keep it from her. PRAY.
I have to forgive to set myself free. I don't want anyone to go through what i have gone throygh..
Just for the record i have friends who have adoptive children and they told them the truth.
Bless them.
1 reply · active 650 weeks ago
((((((Margaret)))))))))))))

I am so sorry for your losses.

You are right, we do need to forgive for our own sakes. Still it is tremendous loss.

We are here for you, anytime you need to talk. <3

My recent post The Night I Melted Down
Deanna, thank you for your honest and heartfelt blogs. I'm an adoptee too, and generally I do not have the emotional maturity to understand why I feel to way I do or to understand why I react certain ways. People I've talked to just make me feel like I 'feel' the wrong way. Reading your blog and others has helped me see, and I'm beginning to understand that I'm not so crazy. I can now start to explain why I have certain opinions and strong emotions toward things that others seem not too. Again... thanks!

Carla
37 yr old reunited adoptee
2 replies · active 650 weeks ago
Carla,

So blessed to connect with you. And you're welcome. <3

Know you are NOT alone! I don't always have the emotional wherewithal to understand why i feel the way I do or why I react in certain ways.

And as far as people telling me I "feel the wrong way"...oh guuuuuuuuuuuurl. You have no idea! I think this is common for us adoptees who are out of the fog enough to actually deal with our feelings.

You are not crazy and you are most certainly not alone!

Much love,
~Deanna

My recent post The Night I Melted Down
I just read your convo with Laura about coming out of the fog. Great stuff! I wish there were people I could talk to in my area who understand, but It's really cool that you guys are 'out there' understanding. :)

Carla
I experienced the same reaction, Deanna. Thanks so much for putting words to it.
Also, the movie made it seem as if all adoptees are "saved" from abortions somehow and should be eternally grateful to everyone for giving them "Life" and "a home", to the point of no boundaries or rights of their own. It is a myth the adoption industry feeds to get more available babies for adoption, when in fact, most women who place their babies for adoption would never consider abortion in the first place. They just feel unsupported to be the Mother God made them to be...and like they should give their baby as a "gift" to those who are desperately waiting for this decision. : (
My recent post Sacred Journeys
1 reply · active 650 weeks ago
That is so true, Samantha. You bring up another great point. I *felt* this but couldn't articulate it myself...that's why it helps to hear other adoptee reactions -- helps us to know what that icky feeling was inside us, even the ones we couldn't find words for.

The research shows what you mention about abortion/adoption but unfortunately it keeps falling on deaf ears and people just keep conflating it.

My recent post The Night I Melted Down
Deanna,

Thank you so much for this post. I have been following you on this blog since the beginning and your other blog for over a year now. My husband and I are both pastors in northern California.

Last year, one of my youth students showed up to church incredibly upset. He pulled me aside and asked for prayers because one of his good friends had tried to commit suicide. The reason being was that this young man was a teenager and had just found out he was adopted. He could not cope with the lies he had been told his entire life. Secrets and lies are ALWAYS devastating.

In contrast, after I started reading your blog, I went to a dear friend of mine and began talking to her about your blog and questioning her about her and her daughter's relationship. She had adopted her daughter as an infant, but their relationship appears to be (on both sides) a fantastic one. The one thing she said that stood out to me was that she was always as open as possible with her daughter. She never hid anything. She helped her daughter find her first family, she took her daughter on a vacation to see her first family. Whenever her daughter asked questions my friend did her best to give her daughter all the information she wanted. What a contrast!

I have appreciated this blog so much. Though I am not adopted, I have always had a strong desire to adopt. Your blog has opened my eyes to the "other side" of the story and has changed my view on adoption completely. I appreciate your openness, honesty and vulnerability on the issue. Your testimony is needed because adoption has been branded in the church as "God's sanctified way" and in reality I believe the church MUST be working toward family restoration. The church must stand up on this issue and fight to help mothers overcome the hurdles facing them in society so that they have the means and support to keep their children.

My prayer has changed from praying for adoption to praying that God will use me as a last case resort if in a child's life they cannot be restored to the first family (at this time). I have begun to pray for family restoration and that other's eyes will be opened as well.

Thanks again and keep writing!
1 reply · active 650 weeks ago
Randi,

Ummmmm...wow. This is really humbling to read. I don't even know where to start but...
Thank you for taking the time to share all this. It really means a lot.
I'm honored that you're reading.
Keep up the great work where you are, making such a difference in hearts and lives.

Blessings and love!
~Deanna
My recent post The Night I Melted Down
As an adoptee, I don't experience this movie as you did. I think we have different triggers for different things. I can't imagine not being told of my being adopted for one thing! But I understand the fears adoptive parents have and how fear motivates these actions. I never questioned his love for her, not once. All I see is how fear motivates and causes us to make some selfish and foolish choices. Once he processed thru his fear, he restored his credibility as a human and as a father. In Texas, a woman senator, adoptive mom set out to defeat legislation that would have helped adoptees... It was her against an onslaught of adoptee advocates. (It appears she won.) I'm very careful about making adoptive parents the "bad guy" because I think as much as they are also victims of the adoption industry, they are also victims of fear. The senator in Texas as her child grows up... And she has to deal with the identity behavior, PTSD, unknown medical history ...it will become more important than her fear and she will see how much harm she did for adoptees in Texas. Meanwhile, we adoptees are stuck with the consequences. We can either play the victim card or find our ... Resiliency ... And keep moving forward. I choose the latter.
My recent post Break for Honor
Ktmckinsey's avatar

Ktmckinsey · 647 weeks ago

Props to you for being able to handle that movie. My parents (adoptive) suggested I go see it. Not wanting to be a catatonic mess for the next few weeks, I declined. There's no way they could have handled the subject matter that wouldn't have been terribly triggering. After hearing your thoughts on it, I don't think I'll ever watch it. I can completely understand why my parents liked it, though. **Sigh**
Love reading this stuff. Keep up the good work!
Dorothy Fletcher's avatar

Dorothy Fletcher · 642 weeks ago

You are SO blessed to have found a man who actually wants to, and tries to, "Get it"!!! He's probably the last one out there...lol ;-) Thank you for your posts...I wrote quite a bit more when I shared this on my FB page.

Post a new comment

Comments by