Two years ago my husband took me on a date to see the movie October Baby. He had no idea the trigger that would result or he would have never made this choice. He doesn't take me on dates to slay me emotionally.
The movie portrayed a late discovery (young adult) adoptee, Hannah, who found out she was adopted only because of serious medical issues that arose. She had always felt that something was amiss, her journal revealing a young lady feeling out of place and depressed. One day during a theatrical performance, she collapsed on stage, resulting in the family doctor encouraging her parents to tell her the truth of her origin. Her parents always felt it best that she not know about her adoption due to circumstances of her conception and birth. (She was birthed after a botched abortion. Her twin did not survive.)
![]() |
Photo Credit: Sarah_Ackerman, Creative Commons |
The movie portrayed a late discovery (young adult) adoptee, Hannah, who found out she was adopted only because of serious medical issues that arose. She had always felt that something was amiss, her journal revealing a young lady feeling out of place and depressed. One day during a theatrical performance, she collapsed on stage, resulting in the family doctor encouraging her parents to tell her the truth of her origin. Her parents always felt it best that she not know about her adoption due to circumstances of her conception and birth. (She was birthed after a botched abortion. Her twin did not survive.)
After disclosure about her adoption she began to search for
her original mother while her adoptive father did everything in his power to
stop it. He even forced her (young adult)
boyfriend to break up with her because he had assisted her in the quest to go
on a trip (without her parents permission - gasp!) to find her original mother.
Perhaps what bothered me most was that toward the end, Hannah's adoptive
father did apologize for his actions and “set her free” (as if it
was ever his choice or decision) for her to find her original mother, but in
his apology he basically said, “I’m sorry I reacted this way but it was
just because I love you soooo much.”
I glanced around me and noticed a theater full of people crying.
Not for the same reason I was. By the looks on their faces it was as though they were
touched by his apology.
I was like…. “Whaaaaaaat?”
More than what was portrayed on the screen,
I was grieved by the vibes I got from the people around me who all seemed to think this was
beautiful. What I saw on the screen was manipulation and control
on the part of the father who tried everything possible to keep secrets
and control his daughter.
It’s kind of like an abusive husband saying, “I’m sorry I held
you down against your will and prevented you from leaving, but I did it because
I love you soooo much.”
There’s nothing beautiful about that, but when it concerns
adoption, some people have a different standard. They understand adoptive
parents who keep secrets “for the good of their children” and exert measures of
control to keep secrets, or hold on fiercely to what they believe is exclusively theirs.
*Spoiler alert*
The movie ends with Hannah finding her original mother who turns her away. After meeting with a priest, Hannah decides to forgive her original mother. After hugging her adoptive parents and thanking
them for “wanting her when no one else did," Hannah walks away glancing back as her father glows with pride, as she strolls arm in arm with the boyfriend who was earlier forbidden but has now received her father's blessing. People in the theater dabbed their eyes with Kleenex like, “ohhhh how amazzzzinnnngggg…the Dad let the boyfriend come back to her…” (I was about to drop kick someone!! It
was not his choice to let her date anyone. She was an adult.)
This left me undone.
What was the worst to me were the koolaid drinkers who thought this was something of beauty. I
wanted to get up and scream. But alas, I was a blubbering mess. Those around me probably thought I was touched by the message, too. [Sigh] I should have given a message in tongues and interpreted it myself, "Oh my children, this is craziness thus saith the Lord Your God...disregard everything you have just seen in this theater, oh my people...especially the very, very bad man on the screen who calls himself a father..."
My husband wanted to go out for ice cream afterwards. Bad move. We've just watched my definition of a horror flick and he was thinking about chocolate chip cookie dough. I was
in no shape to do that but said yes anyway. We sat at a little
table at the ice cream place and he gently probed to ask me what was so upsetting to me. Brave man.
He viewed the movie through a different lens than me.
I know that.
He doesn't see it through adoptee eyes.
He said, “Help me understand, Deanna. Please, tell me what's wrong...”
![]() |
Photo Credit: StevenDepolo, Creative Commons |
All I could do was cry. And cry. And cry.
The napkins that were supposed to catch the chocolate sprinkles falling from my ice cream cone were now catching the tears falling from my eyes.
We went home and I curled up in a fetal position no making love after this date and cried all
night.
I was struck with the horror of how many people out there
still have no idea about why stories like this are not beautiful. They are
not lovely. They are not Christ-like.
Psalm 30:5 says, “weeping
may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning.”
I woke up the next morning and said, "Okay, I can't just lay here and cry. I need to connect with people who understand." I got online and connected with the adoptee community.
My friend Kathryn says there's a gift in everything. The gift from my awful experience with October Baby is that I can give thanks for all of the
relationships I've developed in the adoptee community.
As amazing as that is, it's not enough.
Injustice cries out.
Injustice cries out.
Those of us who are aware, must speak.
We must speak up for those who are too little to speak.
We must speak up for those who know and are still too afraid to speak.
And, we must speak up for those who aren't aware yet.
We must speak up for the Hannah's.Ironically, some people think they already have.
We must speak up for those who are too little to speak.
We must speak up for those who know and are still too afraid to speak.
And, we must speak up for those who aren't aware yet.
We must speak up for the Hannah's.
My thoughts almost two years later in reflection are this:
![]() |
Photo Credit: ARCanoe, Creative Commons |
Secrets are NEVER good.
Ever. It doesn’t matter how tragic someone’s beginning is -- Rape? Botched abortion? Incest? Tell. The. Truth. The adoptee can handle it. Chances are, like Hannah, they already know something is not right. They know they are different. And they are just waiting for somebody to finally tell them the truth. They can handle more than people think they can. What they cannot deal with are secrets.
Control, manipulation, abuse = NEVER good.
Even in the name of baby-saving, even in the name of God, even in the name of love. Especially in the name of love. There’s not anything loving about it. Ever. Please do not ever “keep things from people for their own good.”
None of us “own” our kids whether by birth or adoption.
In my faith tradition, when pastors perform what is known as infant/child dedications, we generally remind the parents that none of us own our children. They belong to God. We are simply stewards of them while they are still children, and when they become adults, they make their own decisions. As we dedicate the children to God, we admonish parents to raise them well, and urge them to remember that ultimately they are God’s children. No human being “owns” another. Or should own another. I think one reason it’s hard for some adoptive parents to remember this is, when you pay up to 50K for someone, or you jump through so many other hoops to acquire them, you feel entitled. You want ownership. [sigh] But nothing good has ever come from a human being ever owning another human being.
Control is a factor long after adoptees are adults.
For instance, Hannah needed her father’s “blessing” to enter back into relationship with her boyfriend. Her adoptive father and mother intervened and were subsequently involved in her search for her original mother -- without asking her permission. I have heard adoptive parents who may believe they are just being supportive say, “when they are adults, my children will have opportunity to search if they so desire, with my help.” Or, "We will search, together." Red flag. I wonder: why do they automatically assume they are entitled to be a part of the search? On one hand some might think, “They are just being helpful…isn’t that what adoptive parents should do?” Yes, an offer of help is good. But a presumption of involvement is another thing altogether.
At the end of the day, it’s the adoptee’s journey and they should call the shots once they're adults. Period.
The end doesn’t justify the means.
As most readers of this blog know, I’m pro-life. Many of my friends strongly supported this movie. They claim it’s theme of life as well as forgiveness trumps anything else. I understand that in their eyes, these themes override other aspects of the movie that are problematic. That doesn’t work for me. There is so much about the film that is not at all what Jesus would do, that I cannot support it simply for it’s pro-life and forgiveness value.
There’s so much more I could say I know you’re not
surprised, but finally… I’m glad Hannah survived a botched abortion but
woefully sad that she was also treated like dirt once she was born.
lauradennisca 62p · 650 weeks ago
I love this idea that we don't own our children, we can watch over them, but they are not OURS. If we think of it this way, we can see our children as the true small humans that they are, with real thoughts, feelings and desires. Thanks for this reminder!
Laura
My recent post Adoptee memoir–The Sound of Hope
ddshrodes 94p · 650 weeks ago
As painful as the movie was for me to experience, I'm so glad I did. I wouldn't have you in my life right now had I not watched that movie. The first site I landed on was Lost Daughters. <3
Love you
My recent post The Night I Melted Down
Rob Mcclntock · 650 weeks ago
Rob
ddshrodes 94p · 650 weeks ago
I'm still trying to make sense of my feelings too! Please know you're not alone. I'm not sure that ever goes away for many of us adoptees. We are still trying to make sense of things that don't add up in so many ways. I have a long way to go too.
I am planning on being in Atlanta in August too! I can't wait to meet you!
Blessings,
~Deanna
My recent post The Night I Melted Down
Lesley Earl · 650 weeks ago
ddshrodes 94p · 650 weeks ago
It's good to hear other pro-lifers weigh in on this. I think one of the most frustrating things to me is realizing that they put all this money and effort into something that doesn't really move the cause of pro-life along.
I too was a compliant adoptee (any rellion for me = passive aggressive/behind the scenes) but when I became an adult I totally broke free.
My recent post The Night I Melted Down
lynngrubb 57p · 650 weeks ago
ddshrodes 94p · 650 weeks ago
I'll never forget melting down and reaching out at Lost Daughters and you saying, "I wish you lived here. I'd invite you over." That meant the world to me.
I have this "horrible-sounding movie" to thank that I know you today. :) I am so grateful. <3
Love you lots
My recent post The Night I Melted Down
Margaret · 650 weeks ago
I have to forgive to set myself free. I don't want anyone to go through what i have gone throygh..
Just for the record i have friends who have adoptive children and they told them the truth.
Bless them.
ddshrodes 94p · 650 weeks ago
I am so sorry for your losses.
You are right, we do need to forgive for our own sakes. Still it is tremendous loss.
We are here for you, anytime you need to talk. <3
My recent post The Night I Melted Down
Carla · 650 weeks ago
Carla
37 yr old reunited adoptee
ddshrodes 94p · 650 weeks ago
So blessed to connect with you. And you're welcome. <3
Know you are NOT alone! I don't always have the emotional wherewithal to understand why i feel the way I do or why I react in certain ways.
And as far as people telling me I "feel the wrong way"...oh guuuuuuuuuuuurl. You have no idea! I think this is common for us adoptees who are out of the fog enough to actually deal with our feelings.
You are not crazy and you are most certainly not alone!
Much love,
~Deanna
My recent post The Night I Melted Down
Carla · 650 weeks ago
Carla
Samantha · 650 weeks ago
Also, the movie made it seem as if all adoptees are "saved" from abortions somehow and should be eternally grateful to everyone for giving them "Life" and "a home", to the point of no boundaries or rights of their own. It is a myth the adoption industry feeds to get more available babies for adoption, when in fact, most women who place their babies for adoption would never consider abortion in the first place. They just feel unsupported to be the Mother God made them to be...and like they should give their baby as a "gift" to those who are desperately waiting for this decision. : (
My recent post Sacred Journeys
ddshrodes 94p · 650 weeks ago
The research shows what you mention about abortion/adoption but unfortunately it keeps falling on deaf ears and people just keep conflating it.
My recent post The Night I Melted Down
Randi · 650 weeks ago
Thank you so much for this post. I have been following you on this blog since the beginning and your other blog for over a year now. My husband and I are both pastors in northern California.
Last year, one of my youth students showed up to church incredibly upset. He pulled me aside and asked for prayers because one of his good friends had tried to commit suicide. The reason being was that this young man was a teenager and had just found out he was adopted. He could not cope with the lies he had been told his entire life. Secrets and lies are ALWAYS devastating.
In contrast, after I started reading your blog, I went to a dear friend of mine and began talking to her about your blog and questioning her about her and her daughter's relationship. She had adopted her daughter as an infant, but their relationship appears to be (on both sides) a fantastic one. The one thing she said that stood out to me was that she was always as open as possible with her daughter. She never hid anything. She helped her daughter find her first family, she took her daughter on a vacation to see her first family. Whenever her daughter asked questions my friend did her best to give her daughter all the information she wanted. What a contrast!
I have appreciated this blog so much. Though I am not adopted, I have always had a strong desire to adopt. Your blog has opened my eyes to the "other side" of the story and has changed my view on adoption completely. I appreciate your openness, honesty and vulnerability on the issue. Your testimony is needed because adoption has been branded in the church as "God's sanctified way" and in reality I believe the church MUST be working toward family restoration. The church must stand up on this issue and fight to help mothers overcome the hurdles facing them in society so that they have the means and support to keep their children.
My prayer has changed from praying for adoption to praying that God will use me as a last case resort if in a child's life they cannot be restored to the first family (at this time). I have begun to pray for family restoration and that other's eyes will be opened as well.
Thanks again and keep writing!
ddshrodes 94p · 650 weeks ago
Ummmmm...wow. This is really humbling to read. I don't even know where to start but...
Thank you for taking the time to share all this. It really means a lot.
I'm honored that you're reading.
Keep up the great work where you are, making such a difference in hearts and lives.
Blessings and love!
~Deanna
My recent post The Night I Melted Down
MelAnn · 649 weeks ago
My recent post Break for Honor
@Mama_Spear · 648 weeks ago
BTW: With your husband not understanding, I don't think it was an adoptee thing but a male thing. My hubby is adopted and continually doesn't get why things upset me.
Ktmckinsey · 647 weeks ago
Jesusita · 646 weeks ago
Dorothy Fletcher · 642 weeks ago