Sometimes Adoption & Reunion Ain’t Pretty! Part 2 A Conversation with Laura Dennis

Have you experienced challenges in reunion? Is the Pope Catholic?  Of course you've dealt with your share of reunion doo-doo, if you have been in reunion more than about 30 seconds. I'm delighted to be joining forces today with my gal pal, Laura Dennis, the adoption fog buster, to discuss this issue! Yeah, she's totally amazzzzzzzzzzing.   

We began this conversation on Laura's blog yesterday with Part One. If you didn't read yesterday you might want to hop over there first to check out the beginning. But please, make sure you hop right back here when you're done! 

With that said, here we go with the second half of our conversation about difficulties in reunion.

Laura – I love this notion of “active relationship,” because it can help non-adoptees see that just because you’re not in an active relationship with someone, it doesn’t mean you’re not affected by that person. Take the situation in which Dad has disappeared, leaving Mom to raise the baby...would we say that Dad doesn’t have an effect on the child’s life? No, we would say the effect is huge exactly because he isn’t there. 

This notion that you mention of being required to fit in, to adjust to the adoptive family reminds me of Daniel Ibn Zayd’s article, Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD): the alienation and resistance of the adoptee. In the post, Daniel argues that the adoptee’s feeling of not fitting in is actually normal. He says:

As Far as It Depends On Me

There are times when improvement is painstakingly slow.

Remember, moving slowly is still progress.  

Maybe you need to be reminded of that too. 

3 More Things SOME Adoptive Parents Do That Drive Me Crazy!

It's back by popular demand! The things that SOME (not all!) adoptive parents (AP'S) do that drive me crazy.  

Photo Credit: www.petsadvisor.com, Flickr

Even the cats are screaming for change...

Now, if you are one of my many AP friends, don't get your panties in a bunch. If you don't do these three things, why do you even care? And if you do them...well, maybe, you want to reconsider doing them. Don't shoot the messenger -- consider the message.

After I shared the first 3 things SOME (not all!) Adoptive Parents do that drive me crazy, I heard reader's cries for more. So, here you go -- the latest portion of reality served up on a plate of truth. 

3 Things SOME Adoptive Parents Do That Drive Me Crazy!

Photo Credit: Jacob Schere,Flickr

There are a lot of things I do that drive people crazy. More than one post could be written about that. 

As a rule, I'm not into judging. So why am I zeroing in on adoptive parents (AP's) today when I have so many issues myself? Because a lot of adoptive parents have been writing to me, especially since I published my story. And they want to know...what do they need to do? How do they need to change?

"How do we avoid this kind of pain, Deanna?" and "What can we do to make sure our kids don't go through this?" they ask.

Post-Story Q & A with Deanna

The following are some questions I've been asked by readers in response to the story.  I thought I'd share them with everyone, in case you've wondered too...

Photo Credit: takomabiblot, Flickr

 Can I meet Tom?

No. I have promised Judy that her identity will remain private in my writings. Thus, I have changed Tom's name as well. I would love for the entire world to know Tom and can understand why you'd want to. Everyone loves Tom. He's amazzzzzing. Due to respecting my mother's privacy, I cannot do an open interview with Tom or introduce him in any way that would reveal his identity here.

Emotional Vs. Physical Pain (And What I'm Discovering in the Storm)

Yesterday was a hard day.
Hard is not an appropriate word.
But appropriate words don't come easy right now.

I'm a wordsmith. Words are my deal.
And yet, accurate adjectives escape me.

Photo Credit: Permanently Scatterbrained, Flickr

I woke up to some adoption drama. Yes, that occurs even this far into an adoptee's journey. We will always be adopted no matter how old we get. (When they say, "Adoption is forever..." it really is!)   And our families (birth and adoptive) react in different ways to us, particularly in the storms of life. And they always will do this. It's not always a conscious thing on their parts that they do it. It's not always malicious or intentional, it's just reality. It comes with the territory of being a family "touched" by adoption as some call it, and I have come to accept this aspect and be at peace with it. I will always be different in this regard than my non-adoptee counterparts.  

Assumptions About Unwed Pregnant Girls

People sometimes try to debate me on adoption issues, emphasis on the word try and say things like:

Photo Credit: genue.luben, Flickr

It's so much better for unwed girls/women to relinquish their babies instead of keeping and raising them, because if the child is not adopted they:

[pick one]

• May be neglected
• May be abused
• May be mistreated/abused/killed by the mother's boyfriend