For Baby Scoop Era Adoptees: Everything is Still NOT Okay! Tag-Team Post With Laura Dennis, Part I

Why do I team up with Laura Dennis so much in writing blog posts? Because she's just that amazing. Read part one of our post here on my blog and then finish reading over at Laura's.  Here we go...

Laura: I like to consider myself “in the know,” perhaps even trendy … as much as is possible living in Serbia, where Southern European popular culture and style are vastly different compared with Western Europe and the United States.

When it comes to AdoptoLand, however, I’m able to stay up-to-date via the Internet. But I’ve realized that my identity as a U.S. domestic adoptee from the latter part of the Baby Scoop Era (BSE) is … how do I put this? … no longer trendy. I’m passé, as in: decidedly NOT hip.

People, both inside and out of the adoption community think that because the BSE Era is over that we are no longer relevant.

Deanna: You are exactly right. And, so many people believe what we BSE adoptees desperately NEED is obsolete because of the trend of open adoption. This was perfectly described in Karen Caffrey’s post, Who’s Waiting for Adoptees to Die?  Her post shares about the statement from the National Council for Adoption that says:

“Given that a great and increasing majority of domestic adoptions today are open to some degree, and that best practice now requires birthparents to share, at minimum, medical and social background information with the adoptive family and adopted individual, the debate over birth records and information sharing has and will continue to subside.” 

Of this Caffrey says: “In other words, adoptees like me will eventually age and die out.  Our pesky little demands for access to our true, original birth certificates, to our birth heritage, to equal treatment under the law, will subside because we will die out!!  (And pity the poor 5% who will continue on, shackled by the bonds of secrecy.  Presumably they will lack sufficient political clout to disturb any of these “agreements” to which they were supposedly party.)” 

I am grieved that so many believe it is okay to leave us BSE adoptees behind when it comes to equal rights. Everything is NOT okay! And as long as birth certificates are still be amended and sealed, things are really not okay for those coming behind us either. Even in open adoption. Because there are no guarantees.

We need full disclosure of our personal history. It’s our birthright. It’s that simple. The fact that there is a trend towards open adoption has nothing to do with the fact that I still have a birth certificate filled with lies and am completely in the dark about 50% of my personal history. These facts belong to me. If it’s not important, why does the doctor ask for it every time I have an appointment? And if it’s not important, why is the government holding onto it so tightly? 

Laura: I agree. It’s worth repeating, because I see adoptive parents who consider open adoption the new panacea, letting them off the hook.

In open adoptions, an adoptee’s records can still be sealed.

In open adoptions, there are NO guarantees of openness or contact.

In open adoptions, there is no recourse for any party should an adoption close—especially not for the adoptee and his or her wishes.

Instead of “adoptees,” try thinking of it this way... 

Read rest of post here.

Why Do Adoptees Need Their Original Birth Certificates? An Interview With julie j

Today it’s my privilege to introduce my friend, julie j.  We met at Lost Daughters where we are both sisters/bloggers.  I’m relentlessly drawn to kind people. Collecting them as friends is sort of an addiction. So that totally explains why I quickly felt an affinity with julie j. Yes, the small ‘j’s’ are on purpose. No need to correct my grammar.  

Not only is julie j one of the kindest, most helpful people I know --- she's also an absolute treasure trove of information on all things OBC’s, ABC’s and so much more. And... she agreed to do an interview here today on that subject. Read more about the amazingness that is julie j in her bio at the end of this post. 

Here we go: 

Deanna: Most people have no idea that the majority of adoptees do not have their actual birth certificate. Could you please explain to those reading today, what most adoptees have versus the rest of the population?

julie j: Yes, it would be my pleasure to share information on this subject, Deanna. Everyone born in the United States has a birth certificate filled out and placed on file with the state of their birth. This is a historical document that accurately records the details of their birth as it actually happened – the who, what, where, when, etc. Everyone is only born once, so those facts will never, ever change, no matter how many times legal custody of that child may later change. In that respect, everyone in the population is all the same so far.

When someone is adopted at any point in their lives, even in all step-parent adoptions, the court will issue a final adoption decree. This specifies who the adults are who will now be legally responsible for the child. The states don’t stop there though, even though they can and should. They will (unnecessarily) “seal” that individual’s original birth certificate away, in most cases forever, from everybody, including from the individuals themselves. That means in most states, the truth is locked away somewhere and nobody is generally allowed to access it. The state will then create a fake, or “amended” certificate that the individual will be forced to use for all purposes for the rest of their life. 

How is this document different from their real one? Apart from the filing dates, these are designed to resemble real birth certificates. The fake, or “amended” birth certificates, filed months to years after the original ones, claim that the adopting parents gave birth, and they are listed as the mother and father on the amended birth certificate. All of their names, ages, and location details are entered in the places where the natural parents were. The adopting parents have the option of changing any or all parts of the child’s name too, and most (again, unnecessarily) do that. In some cases, places and dates are changed as well. Then the state registrar signs his/her signature at the bottom, “verifying” that the fake one is the exact and true record of the birth and affixes the official state seal to the document. (If anyone else committed that type of felony forgery, they would be facing jail time). Because there can only be one “official” record of birth on file for anyone at any given time, this is what all adopted adults still have today. To sum it up, the original identity and roots are wiped out, and what adoptees have left is a lie, or commonly referred to as “legal fiction.”

Deanna: Why is it so significant that adoptees have their original birth certificate? 

Two Crazy Things People Say to Adoptees

Today, I’m sharing two of the least favorite things I've personally heard as an adoptee, and why they have the distinction of landing on my least favorite list:

Photo Credit: Daquella Manera, Flickr

 
#1

 “Your mother gave you life. That was all that was important. Just forget about everything else... whatever else you think you are missing out on that's so important. Life is all that matters. And, she gave it to you.”

I’m pro-life, as anybody reading here for a while, already knows.

Pro-life means just that -- life.

Many people are pro-birth, not pro-life. 

For such individuals, it's an extremely high priority to get kids safely out of the womb, but whatever injustices they have to go through after they get here are a moot point. 

Regarding the need for adoption reform, someone recently said to me, “Deanna, adoption is really okay the way it is. Whatever happens to these adoptees, it'll be alright, because children are resilient…” 

Why Do Some Adoptees Want To Search For a Bio Parent Who Was Never There?

Upon announcing my public search for Mr. Greek (my natural father) on the Adoptee Restoration Facebook page, this comment appeared:

 

Please don't think I'm picking on Rita. For all I know, Rita and I would have coffee and go shoe shopping together if we lived in the same city. 

I have shared Rita's comment here as an illustration, because Rita is not alone in her feelings. 

Rita is one of untold numbers of people who feel the same way she does. They don't always share it in the same exact words, but the gist of this comment is one that is repeated millions of times. If you are an adoptee, you've probably heard it.   

Comments like these are filled with assumption: 

Adoptee Rights or Death? What Will Happen First?

Adoptee Restoration Tampa Bay support group meetings are like a monthly "homecoming" of sorts, at least  for me.  What a refuge to be in a room of people who totally understand. No explanations are needed, and yet we take time for anything anyone wants to explain, because we need to express ourselves.

Photo Credit: Roland, Flickr

Sheryl* is a newcomer to our AR Tampa family, her first time attending being last Saturday. She brought her search information with her so our search angel, Gayle, could assist her. Imagine my shock when she pulled out a spreadsheet that was at least 10-15 feet long, to share with the group! She has been working on her search for her original family, the majority of her life.

Through tears Sheryl said, “I am 66 years old. I am working as hard as I can on this search and have completed DNA testing. My question is, if I die before this search is complete…will someone keep working on it and finish it?”

Born Into Lies, Choosing to Speak Truth...

Speaking truth to ourselves is important.

Adoptees start our very lives with an absence of truth.

Photo Credit: pittaya, Flickr

We come into the world shrouded in secrecy, and then the very first official document that marks our very existence is amended with lies. 

We are expected to  repeat those lies over and over throughout our lives.

A woman’s name is on our amended birth certificate that says she birthed us.

She didn't. Let's not confuse anyone with the facts.  

               

An Open Letter to the Pro-life Community from a Pro-Life Adoptee

“We need to take a stand for life.”

I agree. I'm pro-life.  

I'm one of you.

And I'm an adoptee. 

So, I say... let’s take a stand for LIFE.

Let's do this thing.

A roadblock to life is that much of the church and the pro-life community is pro BIRTH, not pro LIFE!

We tend to care immensely about making sure children are born, but not so much about them once they’ve arrived.

The Black Box Under The Bed (And How It Helped Me Find My Brother)

Have you ever played hide and seek and found yourself underneath a bed?  Perhaps all of us have been there at some point in time. Laying underneath my adoptive parents bed during a childhood game, I felt a large, cold object. I pulled it out from under the bed into the light. It was a black metal fireproof box. Curious, I opened it. 

Photo Credit: misha.ilin, Creative Commons

Unfolding the parchment-like papers, my eyes fell upon my original name for the first time.  I knew I was adopted, but all of this was new information. Adoption and name change papers declared that the child relinquished by an unnamed woman, and given to my adoptive parents, was named Melanie Lynn Alley. 

I can’t remember exactly how old I was when I found the box. I just know I was still small enough to fit underneath the bed. I couldn't lift my head but I could squeeze underneath there and hide. 

I stared at the papers trying to reconcile that Melanie was Deanna and Deanna was Melanie.