Adoptees Deserve the Truth No Matter What

No. Matter. What.

That’s the absolute answer to the question, “Should all adoptees have the truth of their origin, no matter the circumstance?" 

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I am still very much in search mode. There is an active search going on with a team of people who are committed to help me search for my natural father. In fact, we are closer to the resolution of this search than ever before and have bona fide leads that are DNA matches.

I am cognizant of the fact that many people believe in some circumstances, it’s best that a person not know the truth. 

Or that when the truth is revealed and the person's father or mother ends up to be a rapist, abuser, criminal -- or even someone related to their other parent. (cases of incest) it's understandable that the truth was not revealed to them.

And I believe that’s bull.

When People Desperately NEED You to Say Adoption is Beautiful

I had a friend.

The loss of the friendship makes me sad and at the same time, not so.

Reason being: I believe in living in reality. 

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Is friendship worth it if it requires you to depart from reality?

My ex-friend, Linda*, is adopted.

Linda has often remarked that she's, "sooooo glad she was adopted." Emphasis on the word was. She doesn't consider herself an "adoptee" and bristles at the word. Although adoptee is the proper term for anyone who is adopted, never mind the facts.

Secrets and Lies of the Adoption Constellation

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Let's imagine together.

Imagine with me, something I can’t fathom happening in my wildest dreams. 

What if my husband cheated on me?


For those who don't know my husband, Larry...let me introduce you. 

He's a man of his word, a person of integrity and a great husband and father. I am so blessed to be married to a person regarded by many, including me, as an integral man of God.  He's sexy in a black suit, too.

But imagine for a moment that none of that was true.

Picture Larry...spinning a web of secrets and lies. 

I imagine many of my friends and family would say, “What a jerk!” 

I know for a fact that if Larry did this, many if not most of our friends and family would encourage me to leave, or to kick him out – particularly if he wasn’t willing to come clean with everything, and turn completely from his deceitful ways.

I can hear them now: “You don’t need this, or deserve it, Deanna…” 

Are You Using Instant Therapy Spray?

While I was on vacation, I spotted this gag gift in a store and it brought a hearty chuckle.

As funny as it was to see this “instant therapy spray”, it reminded me of how many broken or even traumatized people think they can become whole without help.

Just like crash diets don’t work, neither does suppression, pasting on a smile, or living in denial.

“Stopping by to talk to the pastor” doesn’t work either.  I’ve been a minister for 28 years and although I have the utmost respect for pastors, they aren’t the same as therapists. Pastors give biblical counsel, not therapy – unless they are also licensed professional therapists. I know a few pastors who have that training and licensing, but most don’t.   

When Adoptive Family Members Say They Support Your Search But Really Don't

Decades ago, I made it known that I was searching for my natural family. At the time, all of my adoptive  family with whom I had a conversation about it  said they were supportive.  In some cases, that was true. In others, it was not.

I heard: "I support you all the way" or "I support you 100%."

Regarding my search, they did appear to support me. As time went on, I realized that as long as I was searching for strangers who I would one day refer to as acquaintances, or friends – all was fine. But the moment I actually called them family, the support stopped. One adoptive family member in particular reiterated whether passive aggressively or outright, their "exclusive" position in my life. 

I’ve discovered, some are alright with you searching, as long as you don’t find family. As long as you don't find someone who is a mother,  father, sister or brother…it’s okay. As long as your natural family referred to by their first names,  all is well. But as soon as you start referring to these folks as your family, as mom or dad -- or Lord forbid you start inviting them to your significant family events (birthdays, etc.) or sharing holidays -- look the heck out! Even Chuck Norris would be afraid.

Somebody Took a DNA Test...

Generations are affected by adoption.

Not just the adoptee.

Not just the natural mother.

All the generations to come are impacted.

A lot is said about the need for adoptees to be grateful.

I am so very grateful...

for a son who is willing to take a DNA test that will assist the search team in isolating matches.

Thank you, Jordan.

The Search for My Natural Father: Taking the Long Way Home

“Is there anything new in the search for your natural father?” people often inquire. Or, they ask me why I haven’t written about it lately. The answer was that there hadn't been anything new for quite a while. But suddenly now...there is!

Photo Credit: Deanna Doss Shrodes

My search is freshly invigorated with hot new leads thanks to one of my sisters at Lost Daughters who has not only put her own investigative talents to use, but has introduced me to two individuals who have readily agreed to help. One specializes in working with surnames and the other is a professor and genealogist with expertise in DNA. I am totally amazed at connections they have already found.  I am thankful to also have the same three people who have been working on my search all along, and are still there for whatever is needed.

I accomplished the search for my natural mother alone, without knowing what I was doing at all until I got into it. The search for my natural father is much more complicated as it’s almost entirely DNA based. It's taking a village!